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Post by Mets on Dec 23, 2019 1:24:34 GMT -5
I guess it really is easier to just mention it in passing that I'm in a wheelchair. The drama and stress isn't worth it if and when the person disappears, because you'll never really know if finding out you were in a wheelchair made the difference. Even though I know I don't care, and I don't want to indicate I care much, it poses no risk to make a super quick reference. If the discussion and potential for ghosting is causing you stress, then I would reevaluate either your expectations or your goals. While you’re totally right that mentioning it in passing will lessen the chance of ghosting, I do think it increases the chance of the first date going poorly. It’s totally reasonable to downplay the severity of your disability at first, but I would suggest acknowledging it boldly and with confidence. Once technique that worked well for me when I was online dating was integrating details of my disability into normal “tell me about yourself” conversation. I’d say things like “I really like my new apartment building because it has a backup elevator in case one breaks”, or “Yeah I really enjoy my job. They treat employees really well and they’ve been helpful with the few accommodations I needed, which made me feel comfortable there”. You can also mention more about it’s influence on your personality, like “I found that growing up with a physical disability made me more aware of my emotions than most” or “I’ve learned how to find humor in shitty situations”. There ARE people that can get away with “oh the wheelchair is just my legs, I’m just like any other guy, blah blah”, but that is not us. For those of us with more severe conditions, we are being dishonest by acting that way. Most able bodied people can’t easily tell the severity of a disability, and they’re trusting you that you’re accurately describing it to them, so if you mention it in passing as if it’s nothing, they’ll expect it to have no role in your first date. The best thing you can do is just be confident about it and embrace the attributes of yourself that you are most proud of.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Dec 23, 2019 13:06:25 GMT -5
I guess it really is easier to just mention it in passing that I'm in a wheelchair. The drama and stress isn't worth it if and when the person disappears, because you'll never really know if finding out you were in a wheelchair made the difference. Even though I know I don't care, and I don't want to indicate I care much, it poses no risk to make a super quick reference. There ARE people that can get away with “oh the wheelchair is just my legs, I’m just like any other guy, blah blah”, but that is not us. For those of us with more severe conditions, we are being dishonest by acting that way. Most able bodied people can’t easily tell the severity of a disability, and they’re trusting you that you’re accurately describing it to them, so if you mention it in passing as if it’s nothing, they’ll expect it to have no role in your first date. The best thing you can do is just be confident about it and embrace the attributes of yourself that you are most proud of. This is pure gold.
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Post by Jay on Dec 24, 2019 13:22:33 GMT -5
I got a response back, three weeks later now. Apparently I made her feel like I was testing her intelligence. Sorry, I'm a bit slow... I don't mean this in a weird way, but how were you testing her intelligence... by telling her you're using a wheelchair?
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HottRodd
Junior Member
Posts: 65
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by HottRodd on Dec 24, 2019 14:47:10 GMT -5
There ARE people that can get away with “oh the wheelchair is just my legs, I’m just like any other guy, blah blah”, but that is not us. For those of us with more severe conditions, we are being dishonest by acting that way. Most able bodied people can’t easily tell the severity of a disability, and they’re trusting you that you’re accurately describing it to them, so if you mention it in passing as if it’s nothing, they’ll expect it to have no role in your first date. The best thing you can do is just be confident about it and embrace the attributes of yourself that you are most proud of. This is pure gold. This x1000
You may get fewer responses/matches, but the ones who do respond will respond because they accept YOU AS YOU ARE. Those are the people you want in your life anyway.
Better to not waste any time with the ones who dont accept your disability and just be open with it.
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Post by Green on Dec 24, 2019 19:14:53 GMT -5
but how were you testing her intelligence... by telling her you're using a wheelchair? Her saying that didn't have to do with me being in a wheelchair. But even with what people say, that doesn't always mean the wheelchair had nothing to do with it. So whatever we were talking about bothered her somehow. The tone of the conversation wasn't any different, the only actual change was me mentioning the wheelchair, but who knows. She actually apologized about her reaction, it sounds like she wasn't in the best headspace anyway (and perceptions of even what it means to be friends with someone in a wheelchair may have made some stress). So in the end, it's better not to stress about if or when people ghost. * I like what you said Steve, that's a good way to think of it, and probably similar to what I have usually done all along, but actually even more helpful ways to think about it.
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Post by Jay on Dec 24, 2019 19:24:57 GMT -5
So in the end, it's better not to stress about if or when people ghost. Hear hear!! Merry Christmas!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2019 17:16:46 GMT -5
This post may come off as harsh, but I hate to see my brothers struggling and sometimes it takes tough love to remedy these kinds of romantic situations. And it may only briefly touch on the context of this thread, but I feel the need to say some words. First of all, a few message exchanges in text form on a dating app means very little to a woman. Most of them are on there for ONLY the attention and validation, with no intention of meeting up with any one. There is no real connection being made. Even the best of them have a lot going on in their life, and a random dude from a dating app is way down on the list of their priorities. Down below her main friend group, her family, her career, her secondary/work friend group, her yoga/netflix/starbucks, her continued education, her travel, her dog, etc. So any notion of a connection being made prior to an in-person meetup is an illusion. Sure it can happen in a RARE occasion but generally speaking text or any electronic communication is no way to establish a relationship.
I mean come on bro, racking your brain over a few text messages!? Do you think she was doing the same? Of course not. May advice to anyone foolish enough to listen to it is: have a lot of cool shit going on in your life so that some random girl from a dating app isn't causing you such frustration. It's not healthy! I've been there, I know. I have experience using that online dating shite with no intention other than being validated and feeling desired. It's easy to fall into, it's an awful cycle to be in, and one I am glad to have figured out because it was a total waste of time. So make sure you're seeking a partner for the right reasons--online or IRL. Sometimes it's about external validation that will never fulfill what is empty on the inside. Also, it seems to me like your disability IS a big deal to you and rightfully fucking so. But your declaring it's not could be a source of your struggles. Hence this thread, and your consideration on the matter. Women can SENSE it my dude. She gave you three weeks to sort it out, and I'm guessing she knew immediately by your response that it was a no-go. I would seek to REMEDY that first before seeking any romantic relationship. Make how you feel about yourself and your circumstance like STONE man. Unmovable and unshakable.
It's worth noting that there's a lot of pressure on a woman when you invite her out to meet in person from a dating app/site. Pressure to perform, meet a stranger, will this guy be weird, will I be weird, will he try and kidnap me. It's just her and her imagination. Their life is literally on the line, whether they're consciously aware of it or not...because of the implication. (sorry couldn't help but drop in a Sunny reference) Okay but in all seriousness did the chair tip things against your favor and cause to her ghost? Probably. But guess what, she was probably going to ghost on you anyways. It's a cruel joke but maybe find some peace there.These girls out there on dating apps are trifling my dude! Abandon ship! Okay, kidding. Well only partially. If you want to rake through the shit looking for gems be my guest, but the juice isn't worth the squeeze in my opinion. My unsolicited prescription is to forget the dating sites and focus on yourself. It's simple but not easy. Like others have mentioned, a lot of people are being ghosted on; able bodied, handsome, great guys with a lot going on in their lives. Treated like dogs, man. I know people that are experiencing it. And of course not all women are doing this, but this ghosting behavior is readily apparent among MOST women who are HEAVY into social media and dating apps. It's a topic for another time, but these apps and social media are a plague on us and our ability to connect with people. 0/10 would not recommend.
Buuuuut, and finally, if one were absolutely determined to keep at the online dating shit show, then I would first do some soul searching and figure out what you really want. Then put it down on paper. It sounds corny sure, but just do it. Figure out down to the detail of hair color, occupation, food preferences, personality, all of it, whatever. Imagine her and bring her into existence. Then put it ALL out there in your profile. What she is like, what you are like, what she does, what you do, what being with you is going to be like, etc. Spend A LOT of time up front to make your profile the best it can be. Let your truth ring out. Research how to make a good profile, and how to grab attention. Get some pro pics taken if you can afford it, or ask a friend for help. Then let it hang out there like a message in a bottle. Stop checking that profile so often and don't let the thought of what is in or not in that inbox weigh on you. Don't message any women. Let them come to you. Patience is key of course. Then go about your life and do your best. Don't forget to breathe.
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Post by linda on Jan 3, 2020 9:24:50 GMT -5
This post may come off as harsh, but I hate to see my brothers struggling and sometimes it takes tough love to remedy these kinds of romantic situations. And it may only briefly touch on the context of this thread, but I feel the need to say some words. First of all, a few message exchanges in text form on a dating app means very little to a woman. Most of them are on there for ONLY the attention and validation, with no intention of meeting up with any one. There is no real connection being made. Even the best of them have a lot going on in their life, and a random dude from a dating app is way down on the list of their priorities. Down below her main friend group, her family, her career, her secondary/work friend group, her yoga/netflix/starbucks, her continued education, her travel, her dog, etc. So any notion of a connection being made prior to an in-person meetup is an illusion. Sure it can happen in a RARE occasion but generally speaking text or any electronic communication is no way to establish a relationship. Many good points here, @lakeman, but I just want to add this: I believe men are no better than women. Your description sounds very much as if women were the guilty ones when it comes to online dating. But I‘ve been there, made this weirdest ghosting experience more than once, also very recently. It has absolutely nothing to do with the gender.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2020 11:33:17 GMT -5
Hey linda I appreciate the response. I was merely relating to the OPs position as a guy, and I wanted to hit home how awful I think online dating is, especially from a guys perspective because overall we have it worse. It's a pretty objective reality, but we could also endlessly debate what "worse," means. And no it's not women's fault, nor are they guilty of anything. This ghosting thing is just a product of the online dating market, and sadly, how people view each other as disposable because of interaction through electronic means. And so at a point where this behavior becomes the norm, as a rational and reasonable man, it's my advice to not participate in such a fruitless endeavor. I have no doubts that it's equally frustrating for a woman, and I absolutely concede that ghosting happens on both sides. However I do contest that women do it more, but only technically, and because they have more options or prospects. Therefore they have to dish out rejection more, in any form. Just like in IRL. I see it as a gradient scale, and not that guilt lies on one side or the other. It's interesting because I think that we both experience the same struggle, but from different contexts. Often time for us guys, our one and only option ghosts us. Whereas for women, they may have many dating prospects, but often times none of them are exciting or interesting, so she moves on from them. And maybe there is one but he then ghosts her for whatever reason. In the online dating climate we currently have, women are like waiting for the cream to rise to the top, and men are like scraping the bottom of the barrel. So as a man it's like why bother? And as woman, it's like I hope you have infinite patience!
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Post by linda on Jan 3, 2020 12:11:53 GMT -5
In the online dating climate we currently have, women are like waiting for the cream to rise to the top, and men are like scraping the bottom of the barrel. So as a man it's like why bother? And as woman, it's like I hope you have infinite patience! Haha, @lakeman, that’s a funny picture here. If it only was like that! (No, not really. I‘m not wishing anything bad on anyone). I know that there is the common understanding that online dating would be easier for women than for men, but I have no idea where that assumption comes from. And also, I’m not throwing myself into this „fruitless endeavor“ as you put it so well for attention or anything like that. I was seriously hoping to find a life partner. And when you approach it with seriousness, you have picked out one person to open up to and get closer. It’s not a random choice. Then to me it doesn’t really matter whether I might have other options or not, it was the one person I‘ve been interested in and it hurts. It’s one thing of someone doesn’t want to continue the contact, for whatever reason. One has to be prepared for that, otherwise it would be smarter to not participate in online dating. But being ghosted without a single word of farewell after having put some trust in someone is just so awful, because it devalues everything that had been between the two people in retrospective. And turns it into a total waste of precious time and feelings.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2020 12:37:39 GMT -5
It’s one thing of someone doesn’t want to continue the contact, for whatever reason. One has to be prepared for that, otherwise it would be smarter to not participate in online dating. But being ghosted without a single word of farewell after having put some trust in someone is just so awful, because it devalues everything that had been between the two people in retrospective. And turns it into a total waste of precious time and feelings. linda this sucks. I'm sorry that you put in serious effort to find someone, and it didn't work out. Not only that, but they vanished without a trace. It sucks, I know. But that seems to me to be self-evident enough that it WAS a fruitless endeavor? You see? Your intentions were good, but like I said, your patience better be epic if you're going to expect a good result from a dating app. And chances are you'll be turned off by the whole thing before it can bear fruit. I think that's how we all feel about it. Not to hammer on the, "women have it better than men," thing, but when you factor in that women rate 80% of men as unattractive on okcupid. Or when you look at the volume of messages, and response rates women receive compared to men, either anecdotally or in studies, it's clear that women have an advantage in opportunity. I mean, one can do a rudimentary web search about why women have the advantage in online dating, and it's all right there. That doesn't necessarily mean it nets a better result for women, but it's reasonable to say that having more access to potential matches is an advantage, no? Oh, and how do you think those guys feel, potentially or hypothetically, who are your "other options," you know the ones you didn't care about, because you had the "one good option." To them you were likely their only option, but to you they were one of many. Even if it'sYou see? It's bad for them, bad for you. Bad for everyone. Let's burn it all down! lol
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Jan 3, 2020 13:50:26 GMT -5
It’s one thing of someone doesn’t want to continue the contact, for whatever reason. One has to be prepared for that, otherwise it would be smarter to not participate in online dating. But being ghosted without a single word of farewell after having put some trust in someone is just so awful, because it devalues everything that had been between the two people in retrospective. And turns it into a total waste of precious time and feelings. It's bad for them, bad for you. Bad for everyone. Let's burn it all down! lol Haha, sounds good. What could go wrong?
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Post by linda on Jan 3, 2020 14:15:00 GMT -5
[quote source="/post/199121/thread" author="@lakeman" Oh, and how do you think those guys feel, potentially or hypothetically, who are your "other options," you know the ones you didn't care about, because you had the "one good option." To them you were likely their only option, but to you they were one of many. Even if it'sYou see? It's bad for them, bad for you. Bad for everyone. Let's burn it all down! lol[/
That‘s a word, @lakeman! I‘m in! Lol
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Post by feelsunshine on Jan 3, 2020 15:05:57 GMT -5
[quote source="/post/199121/thread" author="@lakeman " Oh, and how do you think those guys feel, potentially or hypothetically, who are your "other options," you know the ones you didn't care about, because you had the "one good option." To them you were likely their only option, but to you they were one of many. Even if it'sYou see? It's bad for them, bad for you. Bad for everyone. Let's burn it all down! lol[/ That‘s a word, @lakeman ! I‘m in! Lol me too. Let's all kick the online dating world's ass!
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Post by missparkle on Jan 3, 2020 15:26:20 GMT -5
Not to hammer on the, "women have it better than men," thing, but when you factor in that women rate 80% of men as unattractive on okcupid. Or when you look at the volume of messages, and response rates women receive compared to men, either anecdotally or in studies, it's clear that women have an advantage in opportunity. I don't think this does right to women. But I didn't really want to interfere, to deepen this debate and make it male/female war on who has it worse online. I believe both sides have their own struggles. @lakeman you are sure women have more choices and better prospects. But the crucial question is "For what?". If woman gets more contacted than a man, yes, I am sure that is the case. But have you ever considered for what reason? What are the real intentions of her "many options"? Are you sure all that wonderful crowd of men, in her inbox, is interested in deep, meaningful and prospective relationship? I believe it is deeply, genetically, somewhere in our nature, for men to try on as many places as possible (to impregnate) and for women to be picky (about potential future father of her children). And I don't really think it works different IRL and online. Except for ghosting IRL goes a little bit different.
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