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Post by BA on May 31, 2010 8:49:18 GMT -5
Wow, I have lurked on this board for a little while and obviously it was such a huge relief to find this place. Neffie, you are completely amazing. If that happened to me I'm not sure I would be able to hold it together. Truthfully, your story has totally freaked me out as I'm about to travel to California to meet a guy I have been talking to online for a while. He is completely amazing and I'm about as in love with him as it's possible to be without actually having touched him! But I'm completely terrified. I have had "dev" feelings since I was really young but I have never had the balls to even talk to a wheeler, let alone date one! I know that I love him for him but obviously the quad-factor play as huge role in my physical attraction to him. He is a quad c4/c5 and has live-in care 24/7. Honestly, it feels like entering a completely different world. I'm apprehensive but so f*cking excited! No one has EVER turned me on the way he does. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be so sexy! Anyway, not sure what my point was lol - I'm Beci, looking forward to being part of the board  You know what Bex? Sometimes you just HAVE TO take the risk. Scared though you may be, there are experiences in life that cannot be passed up. This is an amazing adventure you are about to embark on. This is the place to talk about it. Welcome! |
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Post by Devoblue on May 31, 2010 9:55:52 GMT -5
Such a crappy situation Neffie. I'm sure its tough still talking to him..you're a tough cookie obviously though and I'm sure he won't get the better of you. Welcome Bex. It sounds like you're on the verge of very exciting times, I agree with what BA says... I hope it all works out for you. |
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Post by Neffie on Jun 1, 2010 14:46:30 GMT -5
Bex, don't be put off please!!!!!
I rushed into things and it was as much my fault. Because of my job and where I live I have to take fixed holidays which happened to be about 3 months into me talking to this guy. When I asked him to meet me in New York for Valentine's (yes, shoot me for being such a cliche but it wasn't planned that way) it was too soon.
There were TOTALLY different circumstances to this situation. He is independent but also struggling with certain things he thought I couldn't handle (not his choice but what can you do when it comes to male pride?).
Yeah, I am fucking strong, I have to be because I have travelled everywhere on my own and never given myself over to a man like I did for this one. I went and took a risk and it didn't pay off. I was devastated and cried a lot (on the plane - God bless the Delta stewardesses) and then I got pulled by customs at JFK LOL which sucked. Ok I look like an Arab but apparently that IS a crime. This only added to my mood. I then got caught in the blizzard (we almost landed in Baltimore and his flight was cancelled anyway!).
In the end I arrived in NYC in the middle of the snow storm and after not sleeping for 36 hrs. I just thought f*ck it and started walking with my backpack. I walked 72 blocks the first afternoon alone (yep with the backpack) and the following day I walked from Central Park to the bottom of Canal Street and back.
You know what I realised?
I COULD just get on a plane and leave Luxor and fly to London and NYC and when I got there I COULD wade through snow drifts and see the city despite the fact the cops wouldn't even get out of their cars.
It's not that he didn't want to be there, he couldn't be there and as much as it broke my heart I felt lucky for all that I could do. Yeah I still wanted to see him but he didn't shy away, he talked to me, he took all my anger and hurt and he listened to me cry God love him.
Things are better now and I'm a lot more realistic about things. This was over 3 months ago and although we have our hiccups I still want to be with this guy and will make the 7,000 mile trip again next year.....
Seriously don't let me put you off, nothing worthwhile in life comes easily and in all fairness I always thought it was quite romantic to have some obstacles in your way. It wasn't the right time for us but we've just decided that we'll wait until the Universe doesn't throw snowstorms and all that crap our way.
So go for it Bex, what I went through hasn't changed how I felt, it just made me see things more clearly and added to my determination!
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Post by Devoblue on Jun 4, 2010 9:59:06 GMT -5
Tough one bex. My first instinct is to say to not settle for less than what you want in someone. I did that in my marriage and began resenting him because of it and it all collapsed after 7 yrs together. It's either a matter of deciding if the career thing is a deal breaker for you or if there is enough between you for a meaningful relationship you can let the career thing go. Be honest with yourself though in terms of whether you can really let it go. If you aren't really sure about that it could be an issue between you down the line. I hate to sound discouraging, I really hope it all works out for you because it does sound like you have found someone special. My comments only come from my own experience and not wanting to see someone else go through the kind of relationship I did. |
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Post by BA on Jun 5, 2010 10:53:18 GMT -5
Again, Bex, you have to go with your heart. The worst thing that can happen is that, as with any other relationship, you or he find that it is not going to work out (and it could be for any multitude of reasons). It is so difficult to imagine how a real life relationship is going to pan out because being on the computer/phone is just so different. It is awesome that you are willing to take the chance. Again, you have to look at this as an adventure that could have an amazing outcome. As long as you are not putting yourself in any danger and I don't think you are.
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Post by Neffie on Jun 5, 2010 12:37:45 GMT -5
Bex you're such a total girl!
We all are and you know what girls do? We envisage things. From when we are little we picture the perfect man, wedding, whatever. You grow up and realise what you want in life and you finally see it clearly.
You see your future husband and he's everything you ever wanted; intelligent, funny, family oriented and a quad.
It may not be the dream your parents' had in mind but its yours. Let's not skip ahead too much cos you still have to meet him.
His ONE fault is lack of ambition?
If your career means a lot to you (as does mine) then I see how you feel but you can't project that onto him.
He's probably capable of doing loads but does that mean he wants to?
These are HUGE questions you'll find the answers to when you meet up.
You can't push him but you may be the girl that kick starts his life, who knows?
My sister's been married 4 yrs to a guy who's now unemployed and wants to be a pro poker player. If she even suggests that's a pipe dream he goes mad.
I don't know what to say but if you love your career then maybe you'll find a way to create a career that involves you both
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Post by Samantha on Jun 25, 2010 1:41:04 GMT -5
I'm sorry but I think I would like doing some cares especially those involving taking clothes off and maybe bathing could be sexy. I however have never done this (to someone I'm into) except in few fantasies but not many. Is this abnormal? And I'm also interested in what girls who have had to do this have to say. I guess iv considered it when not fantasizing but think it may be weird even scary but I used to think similar thoughts before I was ever with a wheeler. That the real thing would be scary and weird but finally when I did it was totally natural so maybe its like that?
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Post by Samantha on Jun 25, 2010 1:43:46 GMT -5
I'm sorry but I think I would like doing some cares especially those involving taking clothes off and maybe bathing could be sexy. I however have never done this (to someone I'm into) except in few fantasies but not many. Is this abnormal? And I'm also interested in what girls who have had to do this have to say. I guess iv considered it when not fantasizing but think it may be weird even scary but I used to think similar thoughts before I was ever with a wheeler. That the real thing would be scary and weird but finally when I did it was totally natural so maybe its like that?
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annie
Full Member
Posts: 197
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Post by annie on Jun 25, 2010 6:32:35 GMT -5
I think elements of caring can be a turn on, but I think what others have implied in the past is that it gets sticky when you take on a caregiver role full time. I think that once you are with him you will know what feels right, though. I am with a wheeler, but he is a para, so I don't have any advice on dealing with aides/ caregivers, just that the real thing, with the right man is sooooo much better than fantasy.
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Post by Neffie on Jun 27, 2010 12:21:15 GMT -5
Bex, you have to have talked to him about his care etc already. I mean if you feel so strongly then I think you'll have a clue about the care he needs and what you can handle.
Thing is, a lot of women (or men) who end up in this situation will assume responsibility over care and end up resenting that person.
Being a dev you are different but I don't think it's good to base a relationship on that amount of pressure.
If he has home help, let them do everthing and just learn, if he wants you to. BUT if he has home care then leave it that way for a long time.
No one needs to feel that pressure. You'll have your intimate moments and find out what works for you as a couple rather than for him.
You might want to get involved in stuff but as BA said...just be careful you don't wind up being a free nurse. That's not good and you love your job.
If this guy loves you Bex, he'll be with you and understand your job but you have to be honest about your fears from the start.
Don't let the guy fall for you and let him down.
I wish you all the best hun. Go fuck that wheeler!!!
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Post by BA on Jun 27, 2010 17:21:55 GMT -5
Thing is, a lot of women (or men) who end up in this situation will assume responsibility over care and end up resenting that person. Being a dev you are different but I don't think it's good to base a relationship on that amount of pressure. I am confused. Is he asking you to be a full time carer, Bex? If so, I'd run away right now. That is not a reasonable expectation at all, nor could most of us handle it in the context of a 'relationship'. As far as I am concerned you are either one or the other (girlfriend or carer). Anything that requires you to be both is guaranteed trouble, no matter how much you THINK you might like it. Reality is that performing caregiving duties for a high level quad is very hard work. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Jun 28, 2010 11:10:55 GMT -5
Thing is, a lot of women (or men) who end up in this situation will assume responsibility over care and end up resenting that person. Being a dev you are different but I don't think it's good to base a relationship on that amount of pressure. I am confused. Is he asking you to be a full time carer, Bex? If so, I'd run away right now. That is not a reasonable expectation at all, nor could most of us handle it in the context of a 'relationship'. As far as I am concerned you are either one or the other (girlfriend or carer). Anything that requires you to be both is guaranteed trouble, no matter how much you THINK you might like it. Reality is that performing caregiving duties for a high level quad is very hard work. Yes, BA, I agree very much with you on this subject. No one can be both a girlfriend and a full time caregiver for a para or quad at the same time, and it would definitely not be a good situation to get into. |
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Post by Be As You Are on Jun 29, 2010 16:34:24 GMT -5
Bex-
I hope that your meeting in real life is everything you are hoping it will be!
Neffie, BA, and Devina all gave some excellent advice in terms of knowing what you are getting into and being very clear with expectations/concerns up front so neither of you get hurt!
Best of luck girl! Keep us posted! May you find as much happiness as Annie has!
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Post by Devoblue on Jul 2, 2010 14:26:43 GMT -5
I second that. I'm sure you mentioned at some point but how long now till you get to have that meeting? All the best. |
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Post by Devoblue on Jul 5, 2010 12:21:07 GMT -5
I'm sure you'll be fine bex. Just enjoy being together. I'm sure it'll be wonderful. |
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