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Post by sweetlia on Jul 8, 2010 8:54:15 GMT -5
I've been a lurker for a while but after reading your story, I wanted to share mine and hopefully your relationship will work out the same. I met my current bf online as well, we emailed, talked on the phone, chatted for about 8 months before we decided to meet. He was very open about his injury, and he was always happy to answer any questions I had and I was very curious as it was all new to me. All I can say is when we met, it was better than I ever expected and we wanted to see each other all the time. I was also in the same situation as you, he lived in a different country and after about a yr of doing the long distance thing, I decided to move to be with him. It was easier for me as he already had a house there and much easier for me to move. My bf however does work full-time, has a decent job and is self-sufficient, so I never had to worry about financial matters. My bf is a C5 incomplete quad, he is basically paralyzed from the chest down and has very limited use of his hands but he has mild sensations all over his body, including his private parts  This has not stopped us from having a great time experimenting and find ways to please each other. He has daily aids who come in to help him with his morning care but we spent a couple of months travelling alone together and I helped him with everything he needed daily, from morning till night. I thought some aspects of it would be a turn off for me, but it wasn't. What I can say though is that there is a lot more involved than one may think, I mean I had no clue whatsoever what his daily morning routine entailed, and it takes about 3hrs from the time we get up in the morning for him to be ready to leave for work, there is no quick way about it and you just need to be patient and understanding at times. However helping him came very easy and natural, I didn't even think twice helping him get dressed or in the bathroom etc and I think it's because what I felt for him was more than just lust and attraction, I am in love with him. I still find him attractive everyday, he still turns me on and our time together is always fun and special. He makes me laugh and we have a great time together, sometimes I even forget he is in a wheelchair. To this stage, I am still unsure if I am 100% dev as I have never been attracted to someone in a wheelchair before, all my ex bfs were abled bodied but since I have been with my current bf, all I can think about is how sexy I find him and how suddenly I am attracted to men in wheelchairs. I am still very much confused as to where this sudden attraction came from and trying to figure this out. I feel blessed everyday that I found someone who can make me happy. To me he is more of a man than anyone I know and I can't see myself with anyone else. Good luck and hope it all works out for you. At the end of the day, if it does not work out, you know at least you gave it a shot. Feel free to PM message me if you have any specific question about his care or anything else. I am pretty open but I would rather not discuss these details in public |
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Post by Neffie on Jul 8, 2010 15:03:28 GMT -5
Sweetlia WOW
I say that first out of admiration because you weren't a dev before and secondly out of jelousy!
Damn!! I guess we all have our different issues and I wish mine were physical but they're not.
I still think bex is onto a winner but I'm struggling now.
I listen to all these stories about the physical issues and struggles and I'm not getting it. I'm still stuck in a world of angst and uncertaintanty.
I've been good to go since November but my wheeler isn't ready. I know, I know, I should give up the ghost but I can't.
I won't get a chance to see him for another 7 months and even then I feel I'm alone in this. I mean I'm the one getting guys coming up to me in bars and I'm turning them down because i know what I want. Only problem is that the man I want doesn't seem to want me half the time.
Don't even bother telling me to drop it because it won't happen. When we do talk it's amazing but he'll "happily" go 2 -3 weeks without a word and it's painful. I mean, I miss him, he's one of my best friends and I know he has stuff he wants to deal with but I'm READY!!!
The problem is that each time we get close he retreats. We have a great time on the webcam (13 hrs is the record) but then nothing. Not a thing.
He asked me to have faith in him but how can I when he's on another continent and won't talk to me.
I send him a msg every couple of days (2 in the last 2 weeks and 1 txt) and I still think i'm being stalkery.
At the same time I have men (AB guys) here hitting on me. I mean I turned down a REALLY hot Aussie guy and my friends thought I was crazy but I knew I wouldn't enjoy it and I couldn't tell him that! LOL
I've had other wheelers show an interest too and it's nice but I can't think about anyone else.
All my close friends and my sister know he's a wheeler, they know I went to New York to see him, they know it all and yeah of course they want me to ditch his ass but I just can't.
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Post by sweetlia on Jul 8, 2010 15:35:28 GMT -5
Hi Neffie,
I read your story and I am sorry to hear how hard it has been for you. And the fact that you even went all the way to NY to see him shows your committment. All I can say is above all, he is still a man and seems the issues you are dealing with has nothing to do with his disability but more personal committment issues.
My guy was very reluctant at first too, he told me that before he met me, 99% of girls he talked to and became friends with online were never interested to actually be with him, and he didn't want to keep his hopes up and apparently there are a lot of scammers out there too, so he had his guards up real high. It took me a long time to gain his trust and I tried not to be too over-bearing too. Although we talked and chatted on the webcam and emailed each other for months before we met, we both agreed not to hold any expectations until we actually met to avoid any heartbreak and I was happy that it all worked out better in the end for me. I was a nervous wreck, almost called off the whole meeting when the day came, but I am glad I didn't.
If this guy means a lot to you, don't give up. Be upfront with him about how you feel and what you want and let him know that you are there when he is ready. But don't put your life on hold hoping he is 'the one' as you may be missing out on other other fantastic guys who may appreciate more what you have to give.
As you say, every relationship, situation, people is different and it's hard to know what is the right thing to do. I always think to myself, as long as I don't regret the things I am doing now when I look back in the future, then I'm good.
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Post by Neffie on Jul 8, 2010 16:38:55 GMT -5
Oh and just to say the last time I bitched about him not getting in touch he was in the hospital with a UI. How much of a bitch did I feel then?
I can't frigging win at all. Every step forward he takes two back.
I suppose I invested a lot because he gave me cause to. I've effectively come out of the closet for this guy and there's no going back from that.
I mean he could get in touch tomorrow and everything in my life will be fantastic until he decides otherwise.
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Post by Cake on Jul 8, 2010 17:10:43 GMT -5
I can't go through this sh*t again....seriously. We've been talking for months, we know each others' lives, I know his body and he's seen all of mine. I don't want to even look at another man, I just don't know what to do because it's all about HIM. It's all about HIS issues and HIS pain and HIS rejection and there's just me trying to ignore everything I ever went through to support him and it never seems to help. Sorry to hear that. We've all been there. This sounds like a very unhealthy "relationship" to me. Unhealthy for you. Honestly, whenever it's only about HIM, that's quite a bad sign. It just shouldn't be that way, wheeler or not. Stories which are so difficult, painful and energy-draining from the beginning seldomly turn out to suddenly be easy, happy and satisfying. And again, we've all been there. I understand it feels like he's the one and the the only guy in this world who can make you happy, but only because it feels this way now it doesn't mean that it's true. Know what I mean? A guy who's causing you so much pain is probably not "the one". I mean he could get in touch tomorrow and everything in my life will be fantastic until he decides otherwise. And that's exactly the problem. That's not how a guy is supposed to make you feel. He probably could go on like this forever. The question is, can you. I agree with seetlia, sounds more like a commitment issue in general to me. But we won't tell you to stop, because when one's passionately in love, good advice never really has any effect. You will get there when you're ready. Just keep in mind that "love is only a feeling". The right one is supposed to make you feel save and happy, not insecure and anxious. If he really wants you, he has to get over himself - and soon! If he's not willing to do that, then, well... Good luck! |
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Post by sweetlia on Jul 8, 2010 17:59:00 GMT -5
Dating someone with a spinal cord injury or any other types of similar injury is never easy and having a long distance relationship makes everything even worse. I used to worry sick when I would not hear from him for a day or two or when I could not get hold of him and he would not answer his phone. But I have learnt to be more patient and understanding once we met and we spent time together. I realized that he is independent and he deals with a lot more issues than I realized. A simple UTI or any other infection can put him out for days and everything takes a lot longer for him to do, especially as a quad. I can just hop on the pc and send him an email or grab my phone and send him a message but it takes a lot more effort and time for him to do these simple tasks especially being a quad with limited hand controls. When we are together, I try to hold off on my motherly instincts and let him do whatever he can. We have an agreement that if he ever needs help with anything he will let me know, otherwise I let him be 'the man' which I love Also I learnt that it is a lot harder to make plans as something may come up and things may change. We planned a romantic weekend away for months, flights, hotel, everything was booked but 2 days before it was meant to happen, he started getting a really high fever and his spasms were out of control and the trip was cancelled. Was I mad? He felt really bad about it for days but it didn't bother me at all. If anything all I wanted was for him to get better and I just wanted him to be happy. And I would say that he tells me everyday how much he appreciates me being in his life, he spoils me, and he rarely ever makes a fuss about him and his issues. I totally agree with Cake, you need to let this guy know how you feel and that you 'may' not be around forever. If he really cares about you and feels the same way, then he needs to understand that and make you happy too. |
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Post by Neffie on Jul 8, 2010 18:06:15 GMT -5
I think what I'm struggling with is not so much letting go of him (as we've never met) but the idea of him and how he made me feel. I've never felt that way before and the thought of letting it go is like I've admitted failure AGAIN!
I was a JOKE to my family before this and now I don't know what to do because my gut is telling me to stick with him but I don't know if that's because I really laid myself out and told people about him.
I'm scared to lose face on top of everything else. It's bad enough getting dumped if that's what he's doing but to have to tell everyone??? Christ...where do I start.
ON top of that if I ever wanted to date another wheeler my family would think or know I was a dev and just freak.
Sorry, my mind is going in circles at the moment.
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Post by sweetlia on Jul 8, 2010 18:32:09 GMT -5
I have thought about this a lot, what I would do if things don't work out in the end and we end up breaking up. I think I would still be interested in dating another wheeler if I met the right one, only because I've come to realize that they can be as sexy as any other guy I know and why not.
My family and friends will probably think I am weird or a freak, but do I care? not really. I am at a stage in my life where I have stopped worrying about what other people think.
When my own mother found out about me and my bf and when I told her that I was moving country to be close to him, the first thing she said was "why burden yourself with him?" and I understand that she may have said this out of concern and because she cares but I was very angry and could not believe she even said that. I didn't speak to her for months. We are back on speaking terms now only because she realized that he makes me happy and she needs to be happy for me.
I hope you will manage to work through this Neffie, you seem like a great gal who has a lot to give and I am sad to see that your guy does not realize this. He probably knows that you will always be there for him so he is taking you for granted, or maybe he is afraid on what this relationship will mean to him, will he have to make big changes to be with you? I know they suffer from low self-esteem and once they get comfortable and feel secure in a situation, it is hard for them to get out of it. I think being honest with each other is the best way to go about it.
Maybe one day you will wake up and it will all come clear to you, you deserve to be happy and to know if you have a future with him.
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Post by BA on Jul 8, 2010 19:48:52 GMT -5
Neffie, the others have all told you so, so well. No point in you changing what you are doing unless you have come to the end of your rope with this guy. He obviously has the power to keep you from doing anything else and you feel he is the only one who can make you feel so good. But he also has the power to make you feel pretty damned bad. I don't find that to be a good basis for a relationship at all. You know I don't. You also know that I don't like you giving so much power to a person who is systematically destroying your sense of self-worth.
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Post by Neffie on Jul 8, 2010 20:07:22 GMT -5
OK, I've calmed down and thought about it and what you said.
I have NO control over what he decides to do but I have a choice and I will always choose him. End of.
He is independent in so many ways but in others he isn't and I know he gets sick and he's the most accident prone man EVER but I don't care.
I'm scared because I want to just give this 100% and I I know he does too but he can't deliver.
It's true that when he's in touch I feel safe and happy but when he goes off it's shit and I feel a total fool for buying into it.
I mean, I would walk through fire for this guy and I have NO idea at the moment where he is or what he's doing.
I feel such a twat at the moment and that's how my friends see me too. That's depressing but fuck it...
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Post by devogirl on Jul 27, 2010 18:45:27 GMT -5
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that! That sucks  Don't beat yourself up over it though, no reason to make yourself feel worse. We all become blinded by desire at some point, and it's particularly hard as a dev because the desires are so strong. I certainly have done it many times. If it makes you feel better, I can tell you the details... I think the only thing to do right now is make the best of it while you're there--SF is a fun city, go do stuff, keep busy, anything to keep your mind off it. PM me if you want. |
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Post by BA on Jul 27, 2010 19:53:22 GMT -5
Long story short, it didn't work out. Now I'm just wandering around San Francisco in a daze. I feel so lost. I really hoped that he was the one. But he just wanted a mum/nurse who he could also f*ck. How could I be so stupid? You are not stupid. You have had an 'experience' for what it was worth and you learned something in the process. He is not the only wheeler out there in the world. When you are able to process what happened, you will be able to recognize what the 'red flags' were. We are here for you. |
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Post by dolly on Jul 27, 2010 23:50:28 GMT -5
sorry to hear that, bex. san francisco is a beautiful city. i hope you can still find some enjoyment in your visit... as much as possible, given the circumstances. i can't say anything any better than the two ladies before me did, but i echo their sentiments and offers of support. *hug* |
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Post by Emma on Jul 28, 2010 1:43:03 GMT -5
This is a great topic. I would have to say that I have never experienced the big O without a dev fantasy. Also, I have a very hard time orgasming with AB men, even when thinking naughty dev thoughts in my head. I always thought maybe I was just a failure at intimacy. Afterall, I have been with some very attractive and attentive AB men, and I was never just that into the sex. I was more turned on byh youtube videos than the actual act with real men. However, that all changed once I started dating my current BF who is a para. I never knew what an orgasm could really feel like before. I am very happy to discover that I am not a failure at human intimacy after all. Sorry for if that was TMI. I am new here......just came across the site although I have been part of the online female dev community for years. I figured I'd introduce myself but couldn't figure out if this was the right place. Anyway I'm a little different than the rest of you because I'm an amputee devotee. I never got into the whole para/quad thing. I also am extremely lucky and after years of looking met the amputee of my dreams. We got married a year ago and I couldn't be happier. Anyway like Annie I felt for years that there was something wrong with me sexually. I actually spent a lot of time researching why I didn't like sex and even took some medication to try to help it. It was all better when I was finally with an amp. I also never had an orgasm with an AB guy so I guess that would make me 100% dev Looking forward to getting to know the girls here emma |
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Post by alibara1 on Jul 28, 2010 6:00:22 GMT -5
First, Very sorry to hear that it didn't work Bex!
Now, the best thing for a broken heart is RETAIL THERAPY!! Hit the shops...n have a ball...you will forget him in a flashhhhhhh.
Hugs to u toooooo
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This has not stopped us from having a great time experimenting and find ways to please each other. 
Don't beat yourself up over it though, no reason to make yourself feel worse. We all become blinded by desire at some point, and it's particularly hard as a dev because the desires are so strong. I certainly have done it many times. If it makes you feel better, I can tell you the details...
