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Post by BA on Nov 25, 2005 11:47:38 GMT -5
Judit, what a beautiful tribute to your Grandfather. I am sure he would be very proud to know that you seek his qualities in your relationships.
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Post by LadyLuvsParas on Nov 25, 2005 12:25:55 GMT -5
Matisse, why do you even ask this question? Are you still not convinced that we devos want an an independent, successful guy? Are you expecting us to say, well, no, I want to be with a cripple so I can control him and generally feel superior? Because judging from the posts here, none of us feel that way, I know I certainly don't. You know, I get this a lot. I think a lot of guys really don't get that we are not looking for a man to whom we can feel superior. It doesn't seem to matter how much I say I want a partner, some guys just don't get it. Not saying that you fall into this category Matisse, that's just been my general observation. But as you know, those kick-ass type wheelers are quite rare. I've heard the unemployment rate among disabled people is around 80% (please correct me if I'm wrong, I wish it were much lower). Among the disabled guys I have known personally (in real life, not on the internet) not a single one had a real job, and only one had even a freelance sort of situation. That statisitic is what I heard too. I can say most of the people with disabilities I know are unemployed as well. I do know a fair number of folks who do have careers too. When I dated Rollerboy, I came in for a lot of criticism for expressing a wish that he find a job, ie, that I wasn't being sensitive enough to his disability, that not everyone can be the kind of supercrip one sees in movies (like Murderball). But IMHO, saying that it's ok for someone to languish on SSI and spend all his time watching TV and playing video games just because he has an SCI is more discriminatory than expecting him to go out and do something with his life like everyone else. You know for the longest time I've been saying I really needed to be with a guy who worked outside the home to be satisfied. Recently though I've had cause to re-evaluate that statment. It seems to me that working inside the home, while unpaid labor, is also valid life's work. I think I could be with a guy who was a home maker too. I doubt I'd have any problems with coming home to a clean house and a hot meal! I know one guy who married a woman who has a disability (though nothing that would prevent her from keeping house). She does not work outside the home and he does. When he comes home from work each day she's sitting on the couch in front of the television asking "What's for dinner?" For me that would definitely be unacceptable!
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Post by matisse on Nov 25, 2005 12:53:19 GMT -5
Well, devogirl and others, I do have to admit that I asked the Q because I did wonder whether there was some aspect of control for devo women. I knew that devo women aren't into the exaggerated control-freak stuff that you see out there, but I did wonder whether a milder version of it was in play--something that had to do more with where you stood in the relationship.
I guess not!!
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Post by vivi on Nov 25, 2005 13:19:33 GMT -5
Well, devogirl and others, I do have to admit that I asked the Q because I did wonder whether there was some aspect of control for devo women. I knew that devo women aren't into the exaggerated control-freak stuff that you see out there, but I did wonder whether a milder version of it was in play--something that had to do more with where you stood in the relationship. I guess not!! Right!!! It isn't a control issue for me, I want us to be equals... More like a partnership, where both members have something to give each other. ;D *edited to fix a typo
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Post by mrjefffurz on Nov 25, 2005 14:16:12 GMT -5
i was never satisfied with not working...altho the most important job i ever did was fulltime stay @ home daddy for my daughter's 1st 5 yrs,,,and, again, later, i was the house mouse but i was also pursuing my writing....then i went to school,,,learned a salable trade & have my own design biz out of my home...but it also requires lotta runnin 'round outside of the house...but lemme tell u,,,when i did try to get work in my field despite my graduate status, GPA, etc,,,i couldnt get an interview,,,and when i did & they saw the w/c the only offer i got was @ a rate 1/2 the standard enrty level pay...but i didnt give up,,,i moved elsewhere and busted my butt to build up steady clientele,,,,maybe im off base but if a crip w/ my level of independence isnt out there doing stuff then i just hafta shake my head,,,
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Post by E on Nov 25, 2005 14:34:19 GMT -5
It bothers me being the most successful crip that I know. Moreso, it bothers me that I'm the most successful 20-something I know. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. It's the truth. There's no reason intelligent people, disabled or not, can't be putting their skills to use. I have an SCI friend with more function than me and a court settlement who can't get his act together. It drives me crazy.
I was born with CP, but I was raised as an AB kid. I never did any of the gimp group stuff, therapies, etc. It put me out of the loop on disabled stuff (equipment, gov't programs, etc.), but it's seemed to make me independent-minded.
My mom, bless her heart, used to have some great sayings for me...
"Any idiot can walk." "You can't be a roofer, so you better find a way to use your brain." "When you're dumb, you gotta be tough."
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Post by devogirl on Nov 25, 2005 16:30:47 GMT -5
Eric, your mom kicks ass! That's so great! I know, some people really can't work because of health problems, and small-minded employers makes it even harder to find a job. But I just can't imagine not having something you wanna do, even if it doesn't lead to a big paycheck. Yeay Jeff for making it on your own, and screw you to the idiots who wouldn't hire you!
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Post by matisse on Nov 25, 2005 17:38:35 GMT -5
some people really can't work because of health problems Even if you can, being a wheeler just imposes constraints on you that others don't have to deal with, and end up taking up time and getting in the way. It's strange but when I dream of stressful work situations, part of the stress frequently comes from an inability to get into a suit fast enough, which makes me late......
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Post by LadyLuvsParas on Nov 25, 2005 18:28:15 GMT -5
It's strange but when I dream of stressful work situations, part of the stress frequently comes from an inability to get into a suit fast enough, which makes me late...... In my stressful work dreams I am also late but I'm wearing no clothes at all! At least in your "late dreams" you have the good sense to be late and clothed!
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Post by BA on Nov 25, 2005 18:30:21 GMT -5
and Matisse, I can't get dressed in time becasue I have a toddler unmaking the bed as soon as I have finished making it....
Eric, your Mom really kicks ass, as per devogirl. I have personally known two guys who have had a dis. from birth. One was overprotected to the point of being non-functional socially or career-wise. The other had parents like yours. Needless to say, he is a very successful HR manager for a large company and is a social butterfly with tons of friends (and girlfriends).
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Post by LadyLuvsParas on Nov 25, 2005 18:34:50 GMT -5
and Matisse, I can't get dressed in time becasue I have a toddler unmaking the bed as soon as I have finished making it.... Eric, your Mom really kicks ass, as per devogirl. I have personally known two guys who have had a dis. from birth. One was overprotected to the point of being non-functional socially or career-wise. The other had parents like yours. Needless to say, he is a very successful HR manager for a large company and is a social butterfly with tons of friends (and girlfriends). AB you have a toddler and you make your bed?? You are now my new hero!!! ...well you and Eric's mom!!
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Post by mrjefffurz on Nov 25, 2005 19:30:04 GMT -5
in my recurring dreams im no longer sci & back @ work (i was a firefighter) and there is always somehting i cant find,,,,bunkers,,,helmet,,,whatever,,,for years i always missed the truck,,,then one day i finally caught the beavertail as it pulled out,,,things got less desperate for awhile but now im missing the truck again,,and the bitch is that when i got hurt i was a driver up for company command....lol
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Post by V on Nov 26, 2005 4:14:20 GMT -5
Well, devogirl and others, I do have to admit that I asked the Q because I did wonder whether there was some aspect of control for devo women. I knew that devo women aren't into the exaggerated control-freak stuff that you see out there, but I did wonder whether a milder version of it was in play--something that had to do more with where you stood in the relationship. I guess not!! Speaking as a completely submissive devo, I can say that I have no desire for control at all. And Eric, yeah. Your mom is da bomb.
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Post by BA on Nov 26, 2005 8:37:47 GMT -5
Well, devogirl and others, I do have to admit that I asked the Q because I did wonder whether there was some aspect of control for devo women. Truthfully Matisse, sometimes I think it has to do with feeling 'safe'. (Ha ha ha) Perhaps I feel that a guy with a disability will be less likely to stray and/or be more committed to the relationship. I know this is totally unrealistic! Also, I think the disability brings out a nurturing instinct in me which then serves to heighten sexual response. Perhaps men get the same kind of feeling when they are able to be protective of their women. The whole chivalry theme.
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Post by E on Nov 26, 2005 16:05:20 GMT -5
I'll be sure to pass your compliments on to my wonderful mother. She really is very cool. I'm sure she has a good deal to do with me being that alleged "alpha-male" earlier described.
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