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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 11, 2011 20:44:54 GMT -5
Yesterday my last single girlfriend got engaged.
It feels weird. Not bad. Of course I'm happy for her, it's just dredging up all of my envy.
I have two very close friends and three more fairly close friends (and one dead very close friend) and they are all married now (or at least engaged/getting married next month).
I'm 29 years old and this is really not at all how I imagined my life at 29 would be.
I'm feeling sorry for myself and I didn't know who I could express it to! lol.
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Post by Emma on Apr 11, 2011 22:31:13 GMT -5
Aww Ruth I TOTALLY understand! I was 29 and in a similar situation. I actually met my husband when I was 29 and a half and was getting super worried about my future because like you, I hadn't planned to be single that long. A lot of my close friends were also married and having babies so it was tough.
The thing is you can't force anything so try to focus on what makes you happy. It will happen for you.
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rmrb
Junior Member
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Post by rmrb on Apr 11, 2011 23:49:51 GMT -5
Wow-- different parts of the country I guess. At 21, 5 of my close friends (that are around my age, this doesn't count my many older friends) are married and several more have had between one and 3 kids. I had been engaged for 2 and a half years at age 20 and would have been married the same year if it hadn't been for some unfortunate turns of events and not a single person I know was shocked or told me I was too young. I heard a statistic the other day that 1/3 of American women will have been pregnant at least once by age 21. Maybe it is because of the area I grew up in (rural, mix of very wealthy people and those living on the edge or in poverty ) but I would say that statistic is about right--- close to a third of the girls I graduated with who are now 21 or 22 have had a child, and I am sure others have been pregnant. But then again, approximately 20% of those classmates sell drugs for a living. Those stats drop a little when I include college friends that are my age, but increase when I include friends and classmates up to age 30 from the college and work. Although being in your late twenties or early thirties isn't uncommon either, but is more common amongst the people with money and an education.
I can completely understand feeling a little bit odd about being one of the last of your friends not to get married. There are stats out there that suggest those that are married after 30 are less likely to divorce-- so I guess it just means you are going to get it right the first time!
Of course, I find my male friends getting married way harder than my female friends. It tends to be the kiss of death on our relationships, even when I was friends with both spouses. Suddenly I go from "one of the boys" to the object of scorn and jealousy/trust-issue created conflict. I don't want to damage anyone's marriage, but when I can't go out with your spouse and a group of 6 other males that are mutual to a football game (that you didn't want to go to) you have a serious problem in your head or your relationship--- especially since your husband rarely ever has one-on-one contact with me, you know me and know I don't do that, and he thinks of me like a sister (or a brother, rather), and you have always been welcome to come along. Just because you have no desire to be shot at with plastic pellets doesn't mean I don't and it isn't fair to anyone to break up the airsoft team just because you are hallucinating--- how will we ever beat border patrol if the team looses its stealthiest player?
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 12, 2011 6:23:47 GMT -5
It's true, I do feel more comfortable and at peace with my life than I ever have. And I've had things I need to work out that left no room or energy for a guy.
Rmrb, I didn't even think about guy friends! I don't really have very many, but I can see how that would be an issue. I'm lucky that my friends are not jealous types at all. My best friend's husband hired me a couple of years ago, so I work with him every day!
My community at large has later marriage statistics, I grew up in the affluent north east, where education and female careers are very important. However, I was raised in a little pocket of conservative social culture where it was expected we would marry young, the girls were trained in how to be good wives, and arranged marriage was an option. My friends were not part of that, and so I rather expected to be the first one married!
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Apr 12, 2011 7:34:06 GMT -5
The Spinster speaks.... Dear Ruth, I think I'm the old maid here... at 39 and never married. And I don't know that I have anything useful at all to say. Except that... If it doesn't happen, Ruth, you'll still have a wonderful life. You'll still be you and you can have everything (else) that you might want. You can still have children, a home, a job that you enjoy/love and write books. Oh, and sex and relationships... you'll still have those too. Probably not very comforting but it's all I've got. I might not should speak at all... I've given up hope for myself (and am ok with it most of the time  ... there really hasn't been a better time in history to be a single woman )... but I never gave it the effort you are so take comfort in that. You're doing what you can to make this goal happen and that counts for something. Sincerely, Notthecatlady (Please, no hijacking with... "it'll happen for you, Inigo," this is about Ruth! Please keep it about her. ;D) |
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Apr 12, 2011 7:40:52 GMT -5
Oh... and I don't know anybody who's life is as they imagined it at 29. Maybe a lucky few (or unlucky! who know sh*t about anything when we're making up those dreams at 18 and 20!!!). It's ok. Really.  It's also ok to occasionally look around and say, "No. Wait. What happened?' My life isn't how I imagined it'd be at 39 either (from 29 ;D)... in loads of ways. But it's good. And we're all learning the lessons we need to, right?  |
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 12, 2011 7:50:52 GMT -5
Thanks, Inigo! You're right. I'm still learning that life can be great even if it isn't what I thought it would be, maybe even better than I thought it would be. I have everything else, I really do. I don't know why I beat myself up over the one thing I don't have! And it really is the best time in history to be single. I appreciate the freedom I have to pursue my writing and make my own choices for my life.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Apr 12, 2011 9:14:29 GMT -5
I don't want to imply or make you think that it's not okay to be sad about it, Ruth. Because, Lord knows I've done my time with that. And likely will again. You're only human, that's why you beat yourself up over it.... and it's also why you want someone. Humans are supposed to mate. But, evolution-wise, I've seen stuff that implies that we're not really meant to mate for life. So, yes, mourn it when you need to.... and keep working to make it happen, so that if it doesn't you won't have the regrets that I do. (Maybe if I'd given it more effort...) But honestly, I've been mostly ok alone... I know that there are many who aren't. And I've wondered if, at least partially, me being the way that I am is in response to my cousin and sis who were NEVER without a guy. I wasn't going to be like that. I was, determinedly, going to be okay on my own. And I am and I will. I just want you to know, and take whatever comfort from it that you can, that YOU will be okay too. (Where the hell is dolly? I think she and I are much the same here... ) Whether you marry... whether you don't... whether you do and it doesn't work out... I do, though, totally understand that envy and even sadness. (The sadness made me feel like TOTAL crap.) I'll tell you.... hope it makes you laugh. I had a hard time when my bff got married. We'd always done most everything together. She told me after she got engaged that someone said to her, "You're marrying Joe? But I thought you were with Inigo?  " She was laughing about how awkward it was for her... that people had assumed (it wasn't a surprise) that we were lesbians. Imagine how awkward it was for me! It put me in the position of spurned lover. I felt like I should do something dramatic. ;D |
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Apr 12, 2011 13:02:12 GMT -5
I know how that goes Ruth. I have one good friend who isn't engaged (yet! It's coming.), and I remember when my best friend told me she was engaged, it was like WHOOOOSH - all my friends suddenly got sucked into Couple's Land, and there I was all alone in Single Town. Hugs! Us crazy cat and ferret ladies are way cooler anyways. |
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 12, 2011 13:29:40 GMT -5
You are all bringing up really good points! Helps me to widen my perspective.
The reason I'm not married yet is that I want it to be right, as you said, Annabelle. I had opportunities in the past and didn't take them because I knew it wasn't what I wanted forever.
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Post by Devoblue on Apr 12, 2011 14:16:05 GMT -5
I got married at 27 and within 2 years realised what a mistake I had made. It was the fact of my 30th birthday looming that made me realise and re-evaluate the whole situation. I always thought I'd have at least my first child by the time I was 30. Instead I was in the middle of a divorce when that birthday came. I don't know if anyone else experienced this but for me turning 30 was a really big deal - I finally felt like a proper grown up and it put life and the choices I made into perspective. I could have stayed in my marriage, started a family and hit those arbitrary milestones I had in my mind but I just knew deep down I'd be miserable in 30 years. Ruth - there's nothing wrong with feeling that envy or some sadness. I doubt there are very many of us out there that have had their lives turn out the way they envisaged. Not to mention that our pool of available men is far reduced because of our devness. You've got great things to be proud of - you're a lovely woman, a talented writer and much more that the right guy will appreciate. The dream wheeler will come along I'm sure! |
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sunnydays
Junior Member
Life is just 1 big acid trip!
Posts: 68
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Post by sunnydays on Apr 12, 2011 17:58:43 GMT -5
Not wanting to hijack the conversation either, but this made me laugh. I was reading Ruth's original post and every now and then I (like most women, I'm sure...) have felt a little sad when either thinking about my married friends, or hearing about new weddings, or new boyfriends and dates, etc. I think "Wow, Sunny, I wonder when that will happen for you..." I then I take a look around my condo, and see my 7 (yes, SEVEN) cats and realize, "Dear God, Sunny, you are NEVER getting laid again!!" LOL |
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Post by Emma on Apr 12, 2011 19:48:38 GMT -5
Yeah my limit right now is 3 (with one dog). Ruth maybe you need another cat to make you feel better |
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Apr 12, 2011 19:49:00 GMT -5
Not wanting to hijack the conversation either, but this made me laugh. I was reading Ruth's original post and every now and then I (like most women, I'm sure...) have felt a little sad when either thinking about my married friends, or hearing about new weddings, or new boyfriends and dates, etc. I think "Wow, Sunny, I wonder when that will happen for you..." I then I take a look around my condo, and see my 7 (yes, SEVEN) cats and realize, "Dear God, Sunny, you are NEVER getting laid again!!" LOL You know that I'm not the harbringer of hope AT ALL. But the friend whom everyone thought I was in a committed r'ship with who got married? She's into animal rescue. So, if I'm not mistaken, when she married she had an absolutely mind boggling 16 dogs and 3 cats. So... there really IS hope. Besides, 7 is a lucky number. ;D |
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Apr 12, 2011 19:50:43 GMT -5
Yeah my limit right now is 3 (with one dog). Ruth maybe you need another cat to make you feel better Now there's some problem solving for ya, right there. ;D |
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... there really hasn't been a better time in history to be a single woman )... but I never gave it the effort you are so take comfort in that. You're doing what you can to make this goal happen and that counts for something. 
It's also ok to occasionally look around and say, "No. Wait. What happened?' 
" She was laughing about how awkward it was for her... that people had assumed (it wasn't a surprise) that we were lesbians. Imagine how awkward it was for me! It put me in the position of spurned lover. I felt like I should do something dramatic. ;D 
