Devs only: What are your dev struggles lately?

[AndreaK]

Mar 3, 2017 6:45:04 GMT -5 kat said:

The boards have been a bit PWD-dominated lately, as well as being very quiet, so I thought it might be nice to try and get some more dev discussion going.

So, as the title says: What are your dev struggles lately? What dev-related problems, whether very lighthearted or serious, have you encountered? Has being a dev just been a nice, quiet background thing, or a more all-encompassing feature?

I've personally been mildly annoyed just by realizations of how differently I see people and the world as a dev. I constantly seem to encounter "standard" attitudes to PWDs in the world (ignorance, pity, etc), and it often makes me feel like I'm living on Planet Opposite. It's always such a stark reminder of being different. What about you guys?

I don’t know who I am anymore honestly. I’ve been struggling with my self identity. I’m pretty quiet when it comes to being a dev. I feel like a lot of people find it wrong. Like taboo in a way. I just recently told this girl I was talking to, and she laughed. Not sure if she thought I was joking or not but either way, it hurt. I tend not to act on my dev-ness in my personal or dating life. It’s a struggle because I want to be accepted in my community outside of this pro board. Ya know? Honestly I’m just winging everything. Lol. Any tips on being comfortable with myself and who I am?

[Deleted]

AndreaK
I think we have all felt the way you describe, "I don't know who I am anymore"...I felt like that for a long time after my discovery because for me I didn't only find out about the devness inside of me but also other stuff and it was literally like an avalanche coming over me that threatened to suffocate me. I cried a lot.

One thing when it comes to being a dev for me was foremost being here on PD and connecting with people and also seeing that I'm not alone with my issues, reading about other's discoveries and issues, connecting on a more personal level, sharing my thoughts and my worries, gaining knowledge.

I want to say that I couldn't have done it without PD and the people here and with that I suggest you hang out here and connect with people and with the board. Because the "outside" does not always understand or doesn't care to understand and even though I told my three besties, they still don't really comprehend how much it can affect me.

To me PD has been the most important place when it comes to finding my devotee identity, shaping and clarifying it, and in the end helping me to become a mostly stable dev who has a pretty good grip on it and even though painful sometimes, still a big part of myself that I would never want to be without. I cherish PD, I cherish the regular contributors here, and even though I haven't met but maybe 0.1 % of its people I feel very connected to the regular ones who show up here month after month, sometimes day after day. The devness is not even so much in the foreground anymore for me to be here, it's the community and what everyone is up to that keeps me coming back, the devs who find their way here, the PWD who are curious and come in, and the people who are always here, devs and PWD alike.

[SouthernCalGal]

Dani , well said!  Absolutely how I feel as well with the PD Community!

When I first came to PD, I was on this desperate dev high with no outlet and PD helped me to work through it and talking with other devs and PWDs has been such an amazing experience for me with my dev journey.

AndreaK , I hope PD can help you along your journey too!

[Deleted]

I feel that pd is the only place i can rekax. Its ok to answer a thread with a response about disability and attraction, two things that i cant even mention in the same sentence elsewhere.
But even more than that, i love the sense of community, the random posts, getting to know the characters of other members and actually feeling like we're friends.
Thank you pd for allowing us all to be ourselves in an open, safe place.

[Amee]

I really get the feeling of not knowing who you are, AndreaK!
Or maybe more accurately for me lately, not knowing who I want to be with regard to the devness.
When I registered here a few months ago, it was a really big step for me - the first time I had ever acted on my devness. Before that it was all in my head and this was the first time I had ever spoken to anyone about it. It was really liberating at first. But unfortunately, my hopes that I would develop the courage to tell someone in real life haven't come true so far.
And with that I've kind of become a little bit ambivalent about PD... I absolutely love the community! I am so grateful that it exists and I am incredibly grateful that there are so many of you, who post regularly. Finding PD was the single best thing that happened to me on my "dev journey" and even though I haven't interacted much, you regular devs on here feel like mentors and role models to me.
But since I haven't been able to tell anyone in real life, I also feel like the more time I spend on PD, the more I interact here, the bigger this secret I'm keeping becomes. If this becomes a bigger part of my life, then I'm keeping a bigger part of my life from my friends and family. And I really don't like that.

So especially during my dev lows, I've been wondering more and more, whether it wouldn't be emotionally healthier for me to let the devness take more of a backseat in my life. To let it slumber as long as it doesn't demand attention. Because then it wouldn't feel like I'm keeping this huge part of myself from the people I love...
But at the same time I still wonder: Maybe if I interacted a little more on here, if I tried to become braver through PD, I would eventually be able to tell someone in real life. And maybe that would be the best thing for my emotional health... I'm just not sure about any of this. So I'm happy for any thoughts and advice

[SouthernCalGal]

Amee , take it from me-you can’t control being a dev and you never know when a dev high might just come about - seeing the PWD of your dreams when you least expect it. PD is a great place to land when you are experiencing a dev high and it is a great place to get to know that you are not alone in your feelings. For that, PD has been a lifeline for me.

I think telling people is a personal choice.  I told 2 people 30+ years ago without PD and told 2 people about 1+ years ago with PD knowledge. The nerves were the same, feelings the same and responses from friends the same. I know that I felt comfortable sharing on PD that I shared with others and that was a good feeling to have. PD is more a community to feel comfortable with being a dev and it is a great community of devs and PWDs.  It doesn’t give you the superpower to tell others though. That is something you need to decide for yourself. 

I know that since I have been active here-my dev response to wheelers is more calm-yes, I still get wheeler effect but not as crazy as I used to. I also don’t feel shame like I did. That has made a big difference to me.

So, I hope that helps a little. Stick around, participate and I hope PD becomes your soft spot to land 😉.

[robbb]

For me discovering my devness was a gradual evolution, more an exploration of something I always knew, or at least knew very early in my life.

The very early PD was a big part of that exploration in as much as it was (and still is) a safe place to talk about my attractions in a way I couldn't elsewhere.

These days although I am quite comfortable with who I am, in my head at least, PD helps me through my extreme dev highs and lows, keeping me going through lows and tempering the highs that sometimes make me feel like I am going to explode for days or weeks on end.

R.

[newmn]

Jun 16, 2019 7:09:10 GMT -5 devogirl said:

This was definitely an issue for me. When I was single, I moved a lot and every time I had to wonder whether I going to look for an accessible apartment or not. Full wheelchair access was impossible to find my very low price range, also I prefer older buildings with “character” in big cities. I suppose if I was in a big apartment complex in the suburbs it would have been easier. Anyway I always compromised on a place that was marginally, barely accessible. A wheeler would not want to live there but at least I was able to get them in the door. I felt silly searching for a place that could accommodate a boyfriend I hadn’t even met yet, but there were some places I turned down because it would have been impossible. But a sporty para can get up a few steps.

It was definitely something I kept in mind when I was shopping for a house.  The house I bought is fully accessible with no steps, but unfortunately haven't had any visitors to test it out yet.  

[Amee]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies!

SouthernCalGal I know I can't control the dev highs. When a high arrives, it demands attention no matter what I resolved to do before Which is why I really prefer dev lows, actually...
PD has definitely been a safe haven to me in the past (probably even more so before I had registered). Whenever I'd felt guilt or isolation, coming here and seeing all you lovely people interact and talk about it like the most normal thing in the world really helped. Registering was a huge step for me and I guess I had kind of hoped that it would set me on a trajectory to eventually tell people in real life. But unfortunately I've realized that indeed, PD doesn't give you that superpower. That said, even though I still really struggle with it, I am A LOT closer to telling someone now than I was before I had signed on here. I can actually imagine telling someone if the situation was just right and I had a brave moment. I couldn't have imagined that before at all.

tc123 everything you wrote really resonates with me! I can also imagine how hard it would be just to say the words out loud. Add to that I do all the talking/writing about it on here in English and I think having to say it in my native German will make it even more difficult and weird.
I also have this hope that telling someone would be a huge relief. But there are two things that make it really hard for me.
One is that I have been very unsuccessful in the whole dating/relationship area so far. I've been told very often that I'm too picky and I really don't fall in love easily. I myself have been wondering for a while how much of a role being a dev plays in that. I'm sure it plays some role, but I'm also certain that it's not the only factor. I know that some family and friends are wondering about me too and I worry a little that if I tell them about being a dev, they'll think it's the one explanation and might draw wrong conclusions from it. They might conclude that I just can't find any AB guys attractive, which is not true. So while I'm not all that worried about not being accepted for being who I am, I am very worried about being misunderstood. And I guess it's just generally a tough topic for me, because I know that my lack of relationship success is a bit of a topic in the family...

And then there's the question of who to tell. For the four people I'm considering for that honor, with each one of them, there's something about the reaction I expect that I dread. I think none of them would react in an ideal way - even though I'm pretty sure they would accept me. But I'm still worried about what their reaction would do to me emotionally.

I think deep down inside I know that I'll have to tell someone eventually. I know that keeping secrets is unhealthy for me emotionally... But unfortunately I also have this horrible disease where I care too much about what others think of me :/ Makes it kind of rough.
I'll definitely keep checking in with you guys! And I'm also gonna try to be less paranoid about keeping my anonymity on here, because that doesn't exactly help with connecting with people. Baby steps, haha

[Deleted]

Amee
If you want to chat in German, I am happy to hear from you. You probably know that I am German too.
I also wanted to add, that if the people you are thinking about telling would possibly react badly, why do you want to tell them? I would tell only people who are close to me.

[Amee]

Jun 29, 2019 21:40:34 GMT -5 Dani said:

Amee
If you want to chat in German, I am happy to hear from you. You probably know that I am German too.
I also wanted to add, that if the people you are thinking about telling would possibly react badly, why do you want to tell them? I would tell only people who are close to me.

I don't think they would react badly in the sense that they would not be accepting. The ones I'm thinking about are all very close to me. As an example, one of the people I'm thinking of telling is my Mom. I'm very close with her and we can talk about almost everything. But she's the type of person to worry a lot and I know that it really bothers her when I have a problem and she doesn't know what to do to help me. So I'm worried she'll see this as a problem I have (a problem connected to my lack of relationship success) and she'll worry about how to help me. Apart from not wanting her to worry (about this anyway), I also don't want any well-meant advice
I guess it's really not that big of a deal. I'm probably just overthinking it, because I've kept it to myself for soo long... *sigh*

[devogirl]

Amee I’m glad to hear PD has been so positive for you, but sad that you feel like you still can’t tell anyone yet. Give it time, you will get there. It seems to take people about a year or so of interacting here before they start to feel more comfortable about it. Also I think whenever you first come to accept this part of yourself, you go through a phase of wanting to tell everyone, at least in theory, there is some urge to have everyone you know see it even if you never act on that urge. 

In my case, I told many friends when I was single and dating because it was very relevant to my dating life. But since I married an AB guy, I haven’t shared it with new friends, and don’t feel the need to. I have reached the point where it has receded to the background in my life, but that was only after 15 years or so of being very open and dating lots of PWDs. It is possible to get to that point, but it takes years, not months. 

I’m glad to see we have a number of active members here right now from Germany. I heard that there are a lot of German language dev sites, and I assumed the reason we had so few German speaking members here was because they were on those other sites, but I could be wrong. Anyway it seems like there is a relatively high percentage of self-aware devs in Germany compared to other countries, not sure why.

[Amee]

devogirl reading what you wrote makes me think that maybe I'm just being a little too impatient with myself. I think seeing how other new members were able to tell people in real life after just a few weeks and are so much more open and relaxed about it, made me feel disappointed with myself for not being able to do the same. I know in my head that I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it's something that just happens so easily.
But I'll try to be more patient with myself and not put too much pressure on myself with regards to telling people. I'm shy and private by nature, so it's probably natural that I would take a little more time with it. I know I want to tell someone eventually and maybe it's best if I just relax about it and trust that I'll know when the right time comes.

That's funny, I've never heard of any German language dev sites. Maybe I just stopped looking after I found PD...

[Deleted]

Jun 20, 2019 13:35:07 GMT -5 Dani said:

One thing when it comes to being a dev for me was foremost being here on PD and connecting with people and also seeing that I'm not alone with my issues, reading about other's discoveries and issues, connecting on a more personal level, sharing my thoughts and my worries, gaining knowledge.

Sorry for butting in ladies.....seems this is a "girls chat".  LOL  Dani.....And this would be why I am here.  I could not have said it any better. 

[Inkdevil]

Dev struggle for a long while now has been remembering that I’m a dev at all. It’s such a background thing these days that it’s only when I spot a wheeler in the wild that I remember that’s what I am.

I don’t feel the rush I used to feel. I spend hardly any time thinking about disability stuff or picturing scenarios in my head. I spend whole weekends with my boyfriend forgetting I’m a dev for about 90% of the time.

I guess this is normal when you are dating/married to a PWD? It can’t go on giving you a high forever can it? I never imagined I’d become so immune to it all ha ha. Back in the day, I couldn’t even be in the vicinity of a wheeler without having a hot flush. How I’ve changed :-)