Devs only: What are your dev struggles lately?

[devogirl]

I think that’s totally normal. My dev feelings sometimes go away for years at a time, but they always come back eventually.

[lisa]

I've been in a dev low for the first half of this year after I met an AB guy I was interested in. Actually it was a bit of a disappointment, I always thought if I ever was interested in someone next to my main relationship (with an AB guy as well), it would be a disabled guy.

Anyway, since things with the new guy have cooled down a little, I started thinking about the devness a lot more again lately, looking into all my favorite Youtube channels, reading dev fiction... The downside is that there are a lot less disabled people in my life now than there were a few years ago. So my devness feels abandoned at the moment. And I don't really have an idea how to change it.

At the same time there is a new (German) Youtube channel that quite actively bashes devs. I hate to see that it is quite popular (they feature young people with different disabilities and two of them have already said bad stuff about devs, one even in an all-themed "devs are the worst" clip). I have already written about my perspective in a dev-friendly blog, where I sometimes publish things about disability and sexuality. It's quite frustrating to see how all this just vanishes into nothingness with each new anti-dev-clip.

[feelsunshine]

hey lisa what’s the name of that channel?

[Deleted]

lisa
That's so sad with the dev bashing. Stuff like that is so difficult to deal with when being a dev is already not easy

[lisa]

feelsunshine

It is called "100percentme" and when I was just searching for it, I noticed that the girl who always bashes devs got another 15-minute coverage on another channel. I get that it sucks when you get all these messages from devs asking for "pictures of your legs" or stuff like that... Okay, I stop complaining now ;-).

[Deleted]

I wonder if most of the dev hate originates from female PWD? Because straight male devs can be obnoxious and are a lot more sexually driven in their interest. I can imagine that to be horrible and annoying.

[lisa]

Yes, I can imagine it too. And I made the same observation with the male/female difference. So I guess I am lucky to be a female dev who (also) likes guys. They tend to be more open to the idea. Maybe it's also because they don't get creepy messages from devs ;-).

[strawberrybubblegum]

Aug 8, 2019 16:36:27 GMT -5 Inkdevil said:

That’s really interesting strawberrybubblegum. I wondered if the dev feelings would return when you stopped dating a PWD. I guess not! I’m quite surprised. But then again, a lot of the excitement for me used to be the ‘wanting to know’ stuff. How things worked differently. Now I know most of it - so what’s left to fill that satisfied thirst for knowledge??

Back when I broke up with my wheeler ex and started a relationship with an AB guy I was expecting my devness to come back at full blast. I’m happy it didn’t. It’s hard enough to have ended the relationship as it is, I don’t want to know what it’d be like if I was still longing so strong for a wheeler.
I feel similar as to the wanting to know everything. Sometimes I wonder if my inner dev was so annoying because I needed to experience it and now that I did she is satisfied and it will never be as strong as before. I also wonder if now that I’ve been with a wheeler it would all still be so exciting. Although I imagine it’s similar to being with anyone: every person and relationship is special in their way and therefore the feelings are too, I guess.

[lisa]

I'm resurrecting this old thread because when I tried to find a thread that fits for my current "dev complaints" I noticed that the start of the "story" is already in here ;-).

Eleven months ago I shared that I was on the beginning of a dev high. It didn't stop and so it's almost a year now. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy dev highs because I get a sense of "belonging" out of them, of knowing what I want and who I am. This time I noticed (as mentioned earlier) that my usual dev high activities, like reading books and watching YouTube clips, didn't help as much anymore to fill the longing I feel to incorporate this "being a dev" part more into my life. So I talked to my (AB) boyfriend about it and we tried to figure out a way for me to have some real life experiences without him getting hurt too much. Anyway, I threw myself into getting to know some PWDs online. Interestingly and somehow surprisingly for me, it worked, at least I got to know a few guys I even was interested in on some level. There also were some IRL meetings. Unfortunately, all of this ended quite desastrously (not because of the fact that I have a bf, I always communicated this up front), so at the moment I am not really interested in taking any further steps into this direction. There was some good that came out of these experiences: I definitely know that I am a dev and that everything is just so much more intense and "real" with a PWD. I knew that before, but it was a good reminder and also a confirmation of things I hadn't experienced yet but just imagined based on my thoughts and reactions.

I kind of hoped that when they stopped talking to me, my devness would take the hint and disappear for a little while. I tried to push it back a bit, but it didn't budge. It's as strong as before and now this longing to somehow live as a dev is even stronger. Anyone got any advice as to how to deal with this situation? What do you do when thoughts or stories or films aren't enough anymore?

[Deleted]

lisa
I am in my car rn waiting for someone so I will reply more later but I have one question first, are you still with your bf? Are you thinking about leaving him?

[lisa]

Yes, we are still together and will stay together (I hope ;-)). It's more about what to do with the growing feeling that I miss dev stuff in my real life. It doesn't necessarily mean that I want to have a nsa or fwb relationship with a PWD, it was just an idea that I/we had.

[Deleted]

lisa can you incorporate any role play in your relationship with your boyfriend. Would he be prepared to do that and do you think it would help you ? There are devs on here with AB partners who have been able to fulfil some of their dev desires after open discussions with their partners.

[lisa]

@delight Thanks for taking the time to answer! I know that many devs in relationships with AB engage in some sort of role play and I've heard many good things about it. Maybe I should give it a try. I have never considered it because I always thought that it would feel like faking and until now I never got excited by people faking/pretending it. But maybe I could give it some more thought and start with something easy/little.

On the other hand, my dev desires aren't solely sexual in nature. I could imagine very well that having a close friend with a disability could also help me to be more in touch with my devness. I mostly feel that I'm neglecting an important part of me which is somehow "meant to be" real.

[SouthernCalGal]

lisa, I really understand how you are feeling.  I feel very similar. I have felt that I need to experience my devness in reality and I know roleplaying would not work for me.  I want the real deal and not all sexual either.  Being in friendships with PWDs has helped with the daily struggle but ultimately, my true authentic self is being a dev openly.  Knowing that... I need to work to make that happen in my life.  I think about the freedom of being able to live openly as a dev and I literally get heart palpatations - it is truly who I am.  

[mona]

lisa, I found out in the last two years that having close friendships with pwds is actually very satisfying to me. It has stopped the longing completely. I don't need anything more.