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Post by SouthernCalGal on Dec 10, 2018 23:30:09 GMT -5
She may not be a dev. There are people who are very involved with disability rights or care for various reasons but are not devs. On the other hand, she might actually be a dev but is in denial. I had a very close friend a while back who I'm sure was a dev but I couldn't get him to admit it. I told him all about me, and he was very open about sex in general, and was not ashamed of being kinky in other ways. He married a para woman and the way he talked about her was 100% dev. He never expressed negative judgment to me about my being a dev but insisted he was not like me. I have no idea why he wouldn't admit it. Years ago before this message board screened members or had any rules about who could join, this woman started posting who was the wife of an SCI guy. She started telling us how terrible devs are, how disrespectful to all PWDs and the people who genuinely love them. Years later she came back and admitted that she actually is a dev herself and was making a big public show of dev hate to convince her husband that she was not a dev. That's messed up! Not saying your friend is like that but it's something to think about. Maybe she had never heard of devs and was shocked to find out from you that she's not the only one. devogirl, I think I jumped into the conversation too early. I should have slowed it a bit. I am pretty sure she is but might just not be willing to share or may not even realize that it is a "thing." When I think about it, if someone approached me like I did her - I would probably deny, deny, deny. I think what bothered me was that in my heart I feel proud to be a DEV. I think it sets me apart and I want to explore eventually what being a DEV is all about - both mentally and physically. The fact I felt nervous, and slightly ashamed that I put it out there to someone new made me feel so vulnerable. But, that is something that I will need to work with and reconcile with myself. Thank you to all who responded. The crazy thing is I am on such a DEV high right now it is all I can think about...I often wonder where this will eventually lead me .
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Post by feelsunshine on May 27, 2019 17:27:07 GMT -5
Sooooo, I kind of had my "coming out" tonight... if one may call it this way.
I was out for dinner with a (female) friend and as we had some glasses of wine, we started talking to each other about very intimate stuff. She has discussions going on with lawyers and her former boss being involved in stupid business things, stuff that she probably never would tell anyone else - so in my head I went like "ok - she's telling me some stuff, nobody is supposed to know, I'll give something in return"..... So I told her about my attraction to wheelers, and that I started to participate in a message board, talking to others, whereas I always thought that I am the only one in this world who has thoughts like that and so on.... All of you devs know what I mean and what was going on in my head, I guess.
I have no idea what kind of reaction I would have expected. But kinda knowing that she is the "most kinky" friend in my clique, I didn't expect a negative reaction. And so it was: She was totally cool with it and she said something like: "I kinda thought you have preferences in this direction", (since she knew I once had a date with a SCI guy). "that's cool - everyone has their kinks". And we pretty much spent the rest of the evening talking about all sorts of kinks and especially her kinks which are not supposed to mention here LOL. That was a very special evening for me and I feel so much more comfortable now. It's out in the open now.... We discussed both, her and my preferences, being as different as they could be, but still, both seem like "seeking for the needle in a haystack". However, as I told her, that I'll be thinking about going to events like "wheeler marathons" in cities close-by. She was immediately like "Cool, I'll join and help you" LOL... I'm not sure if I'd "want" her help since I guess all wheelers rather would fall for her instead of me since she is the more open, talkative and communicative person as I am but that's a different thought for maybe a different thread. So, yeah, here I am, all proud and happy that I shared my thoughts IRL. And proud that someone joins along, standing for me and my preferences (which totally fits in the other thread "Non dev friends". She'll join me to "my devy events" in order for me to not be alone... - that's a really awesome offer!).
And here's my thanks to all of you devs and PWDs who help me, here in this board - on almost a daily basis - to get my thoughts together and to become far from "inner thoughts" closer to being proud of who I am, with all my preferences.
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Post by pam on May 27, 2019 18:30:30 GMT -5
feelsunshine I am so happy you told your friend and had a good experience, and she offered to go to events to help you. You will have so much fun there, I'm sure. If I was single, there is one of those kinky women in my office and I would probably tell her. She would be ok with it and not judge. Going to wheeler games sounds fun and you never know who you will meet there. Isn't it nice to have someone to talk to about dev subjects!!
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Post by linda on May 27, 2019 18:44:07 GMT -5
I‘m really happy for you, too, feelsunshine. I made the same experience as I‘ve already written about. It’s such a relief! I certainly do not regret to have been open about my devness to the friends who know. And my 75 year old mother btw., who was just as cool and encouraging as one can wish for.
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Post by feelsunshine on May 27, 2019 19:03:14 GMT -5
linda I once told my mom, who is going on 70, that I was going to go to a date with a guy in a wheelchair (who at that time backed out just before the meeting - probably he suddenly got afraid of meeting someone IRL). So even after at least one year, she still asks me sometimes in a nice and gentle way if I ever heard back from him, which I didn’t. So if there’ll ever be the moment that I’m in the place to introduce someone, I’m sure that she’ll be totally cool with it. I think that most mothers will understand that you’re the one who is supposed to be happy, so I guess mothers might be the easiest ones to make understand what you’re going for. Well at least if you were raised in a thoughtful, understanding, non-prejudiced way. Mothers tend to want to have the best for their child knowing that the child makes their own decision and if their decision is to be with a PWD, they’ll be fine with it. At least this is how I think my mother would behave.
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Post by Emma on May 28, 2019 1:26:43 GMT -5
Yay! Telling friends is a really great feeling. So glad it went well for you.
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Post by kat on May 28, 2019 4:10:54 GMT -5
I'm always happy for devs who brace themselves and tell a friend, only to find out that it's really not a big deal to them. It's such a relieving feeling!
A few of my friends know and I love that I can talk to them about it. I don't really "gush" about it, and I'm not sure I feel the need to. We usually end up discussing more societal aspects of disability and/or dating PWD, and it's always really interesting to get the "non-dev perspective" on those things. I also occasionally tell them about my awkward reactions to PWD in the wild (e.g. blanking out in the supermarket and forgetting to buy half the things I was planning to because I saw the first attractive person in months... I swear I feel like a hormonal teenager sometimes). My friends also crack jokes about the dev thing, which is honestly so nice and normalizing.
One of the weirdest / most interesting things is that I've noticed that my friends tend to shy away from using the word disabled/disability in those discussions. It's always some roundabout way of expressing it, like "those individuals you're attracted to", "your type of people", etc. They seem totally comfortable with the topic, but hesitate with the terms. I wonder why this is.
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2019 12:29:06 GMT -5
I'm always happy for devs who brace themselves and tell a friend, only to find out that it's really not a big deal to them. It's such a relieving feeling! One of the weirdest / most interesting things is that I've noticed that my friends tend to shy away from using the word disabled/disability in those discussions. It's always some roundabout way of expressing it, like "those individuals you're attracted to", "your type of people", etc. They seem totally comfortable with the topic, but hesitate with the terms. I wonder why this is. This is actually interesting, my friends do that too. They will usually say "guy in a wheelchair" and I'm okay with that. I actually feel weird when my nurse friend always totally calls it "disabled" like point blank "disabled" and that actually makes me uncomfortable sometimes, I don't know why. Like why does she have to emphasize it, I don't know. She is a sweet person, actually a bit chaotic but a great nurse so maybe it's just a thing of the territory she works in.
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2019 12:47:47 GMT -5
feelsunshineI'm so happy for you. It's awesome you got to share this with your friend and also that she shared some personal things with you. You don't seem shy but maybe online is different, I'm shy too and I communicate a lot better in writing than in speaking. I hope you will do fun things with her in the future pertaining to your interests. As I have mentioned before, my friends know but even though they try to be understanding and supportive, it's still difficult for them to comprehend, they just don't understand fully how much it is ingrained in me. It seems almost like sometimes they think it's just a phase or something. I'm always a bit sad when I read how some of you can tell your mothers, that is amazing. Unfortunately that will never be possible for me. And now my mom is getting "weird" and stuff, I'm actually quite worried because something is changing with her, she is almost 79. I also feel that the way my mom is/was has also shaped me in not so good ways and I'm kind of on a path to figure all that out. I did have some stuff going on with my sister, again, our relationship is not very close, we are two completely different people. We just had a fall out a few weeks ago once again and it is very painful for me. But I did write her a six page letter two weeks ago and I actually opened up about some thing that have happened in my life over the past decade. I didn't go into specifics about being a dev and other things that bubbled to the surface because of it, but I told her that some very big things happened and have affected and changed me very much. She has not replied yet, we have other issues going on between us so we will see, I'm hurting about those things with my sister and mother.
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Post by feelsunshine on May 28, 2019 14:22:10 GMT -5
Thanks, DaniLet me tell you, I am shy talking about this topic and I guess it took me three dinners (within several weeks) with that friend before I finally put everything together and told her. I am sorry to hear that you have some difficult things going on with your mother and sister. I assume they don't live in the US with you? I hope that everything turns out ok with your sister. Hopefully she will understand your feelings. A letter sometimes helps a lot better than talking since one may read parts over and over again in order to completely understand what the person meant.
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Post by linda on May 28, 2019 15:53:21 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing those things so openly with us, Dani! This is what I love so much about PD, how it is ok to be so open about very personal things with people whom you‘ve never met before. I do wish that you can sort out these things with your mother and sister. Well, as you pointed out maybe not with your mother, but hopefully your sister. Maybe it helps to recall the fact that your mother loves you, which I believe she certainly does, and that it is rather her own limitations that keep her from accepting you the way you are or create this kind of distance between the two of you than a lack of love for you. I really do believe that almost every mother loves her children. We are both mothers, I think you know what I mean. I‘ve had a very disturbed to no relation with my father most of the time of my life, full of deep disappointments over and over again. He is 83, and he doesn’t recall any of the things that happened in the past. At some point not too long ago, I came to realize that it had much less to do with me and I could somehow let go and accept it. That was a great relief. I hope so much for you that you find a way to make your peace with it.
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2019 16:55:04 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your issues with your family dani, there is nothing worse. I had a difficult relationship with my mother and i think its excaserbated because we hope that our families will always be there for us and love should overcome most things. Its deeply disappointing when it doesnt work that way. I love the idea of you writing a letter, its a great way of explaining things clearly and with less emotion than face to face. It helps to put things in perspective in your own mind. If im struggling with anxiety or feeling down i try to keep a diary and whilst i would struggle to say things, i can explore my thoughts on paper.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2020 23:02:26 GMT -5
Only my best friend knows, she is indifferent to the subject, although when she rarely asks me it is a bit awkward.
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Post by cilantro on Apr 30, 2020 10:14:26 GMT -5
Woke up to this yesterday and yeah my friends are great
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Post by feelsunshine on Apr 30, 2020 11:24:24 GMT -5
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