I was talking to Lucretia and her “ask a dev” stint came up. That's when I truly, finally became aware of... really conscious... of the way that some of the guys regard our admiration? attraction? to what I call, “the stillness.”
In spite of my repeated promises to not post anything of depth here any more, I'm going to attempt to describe it and open a discussion about it. I would normally post this in Devs Only... I'm posting it here to allow the guys to comment. There's been a lot of discussion about how it would be nice to have some topics out here to discuss... so here it is. Even knowing some of guys well enough to know how they'll respond, and even though I fear that response (this is some of my deep stuff, folks), I am posting it here anyway. Some of the guys, whether they admit it or not, will hate me for this. I'm okay with it for once... not looking for a guy here any more and feeling kinda fuckitish.
One should seize and embrace the fuckitish feeling when it arises because it might not last long. Lol
I'm not sure I can explain it because, well, just because...
Also, this is my opinion and the way
I feel. I just realized (about part-way into the paragraph below) that I'm talking as if I'm speaking for all devs and that's not true. Also, in grammatically infuriating manner, I am totally switching back and forth between she and I, so... E, Paige and Lucretia... be prepared. ;D
One of the first things I was ever asked about as far as being a dev, was what I liked. That question was in person and out loud and, thanks to stuff that guy had already said, I was feeling about as unsafe psychologically and emotionally as it can get outside of talking to someone that I love. It wasn't really the guy's fault. He'd been talking and it was just that his efforts to put me at ease, discussing this stuff, really didn't. Because he was unconsciously saying lots of things that really indicated that he's not okay with dev-ness. So, I want to throw that out there first. If you have a shot at a dev, if she means anything to you then you have to try to create a safe space for her to discuss this stuff. If you really want to know HER.
The reason we have a devs only section is because we, the devs, needed that space. If she can't talk about it... if she feels like she has to hide those things from you then it's going to add a level of secrecy to your relationship that you might not want. It might be alright for you and she... but be aware that the second you jump me over something that I've said about this... the second that you snap out about something that offends you... instead of asking questions and clarifying and coming to an understanding about it... I'm not sharing with you again. You've lost that. And it may be that you don't want it. There was a time here that I remember when a lot of the guys were griping that we devs wanted to keep it all fantasy. Well, when you wander into the real world with it you have to deal with it there. So try to be sure, before you stomp all over me emotionally, that you want to take this real world.
Online conversations is where I've been able to talk about this, with guys who've made me feel safe, in conversations with other devs... or maybe it's the distance that online allows that makes it safe enough... but I was finally able to think and answer those questions some. So, back to the topic.
To me the stillness is... it's that lack of movement, the limpness of paralyzed limbs. I have no clue why I like it. I've seen it likened to necrophilia here... but that's not it at all. I don't like dead things, they do nothing for me sexually and so I want to do what I can to correct that idea. Paralyzed limbs are so not dead, if they were then the doctors would amputate them. They live... they're just quiet. That leads to other things for the people who live with them (from what I can tell from conversations)... like them sometimes being forgotten. Or they're quietly uncontrollable.... which sometimes makes them despised.
I like them for those very things. For their quietness and their lack of control. I like that a man has to put thought into moving his legs. Most of us don't. We totally take movement for granted and mostly don't think about it. But paralysis forces that thought. Even for those who can still walk. I remember Triassic talking about the focus that crutch walking takes. And even those who walk almost unaided have to pay close attention to where they step. It's attractive. I don't know... but I do know it's not because of any deadness.
I LIKE the quietness. I wrote a story once about playing with a man's lower half when he was asleep. I asked permission to even write the fantasy. But I love the idea of lavishing affection on those quiet parts. Legs, cock, feet that may provide minimal or even no response but get little actual love anyway. It is a fantasy... but if I ever get an opportunity … with someone who is okay enough with their quiet parts to let me have MY way... I'd like to spend some time with them. Which is not to say that I don't adore the upper, busier parts of a man too. And the fact that they are busier also plays into all of this. The fact that arms and hands are doing the work of the quiet parts. I love watching a quads hands do work differently. I love the parts where sensation is different. Knowing that I don't really know what it feels like and can't. That I need to keep moving to make it still be good for him. That there are places that feel far more than my skin can fathom. It's fascinating and beautiful.