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Post by lavly on Mar 15, 2013 0:51:20 GMT -5
+1 to everything intheory said
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Post by A££Y "Cuddles" Magoo on Mar 15, 2013 2:21:47 GMT -5
I would be fine with it as long as I knew that they were really interested in AB's or had had a meaningful relationship with one in the past. However, if my ex hadn't had any past relationships or interest in AB's in past I would be very concerned, as I think alot of devs go through "the maybe the I can be with an AB faze" and then end up crashing and burning, or end up settling because, "it's just enough." That makes me sad because to me. there are just some devs that I think are 100% dev and that's that. No disrespect to all the devs in AB relationships btw. I get that this is a question aimed at wheelers but then I read your response and I was all 'Deja vu' cause I am struggling with the whole 'Can I have a 100% satisfying relationship with an AB guy?' Personally, I don't feel you should be concerned about a dev dating an AB guy, even if it is her first time or she's thinking she's settling. She might find herself in a great relationship that she didn't expect. A lot of devs here have expressed finding a great relationship with an AB guy even though they didn't think it would happen. It's also common for the dev feelings and urges to disappear at times. At the same time, some devs just can't handle a real relationship with a wheeler. . and lets not forget wheelers can be hard to find so I can see how many devs would try dating an AB guy. Any disabled guy here that has glanced at my post in the devs only probably thinks I'm 100% dev and doomed to a failed relationship with any AB guy but I'm not to that point so I would hope that if this question was asked to my ex he wouldn't think I was lying to myself or settling. I'm just trying to figure things out still. anyone is allowed to answer so don't worry. And I would be concerned no matter what, just my own personal(perhaps slightly crazy) preference.
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Post by lisa on Mar 15, 2013 3:18:58 GMT -5
How do you deal with your SO's family and friends' lack of knowledge/understanding about the specifics of your disability? does anyone else want to answer this really cool question ? pleaseeeeeeee hint hint Yes, please?!
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Mar 15, 2013 7:35:52 GMT -5
This is a question related to alli's question over in the AAD thread... When you are faced with a pwd who is dev-negative, do you defend or even just share that you know a sane dev or two? Or do you just let their views go uncontested?
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Post by matisse on Mar 15, 2013 11:37:36 GMT -5
How do you deal with your SO's family and friends' lack of knowledge/understanding about the specifics of your disability? I guess I will answer, but it's kind of a boring answer. My parents-in-law met me when I was still walking, so I just didn't get the shocked reaction that most wheelers would probably get. They have seen me decline over time, from an awkward walk, to a cane, and then to the chair. They have been very supportive. In our current home, it was my FIL who built the ramps for me around the house. I could not really ask for more understanding in-laws. As for friends, it's kind of the same--most of her friends met me before I needed the chair. For recent friends, we live in an area where people are far more likely to err on the side of being PC, so I haven't run into anything that has angered me. I think the worst is that I get the sense people initially anoint my wife with sainthood, for having 4 kids and "also him." I find that annoying, but I also find that it has a tendency to erode over time as they get to know us, the kids, the division of labor, and the true effort it takes for each of our contributions to the family, especially since my wife stopped working to focus on raising the kids.
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Post by matisse on Mar 15, 2013 11:40:39 GMT -5
If your ex happened to be a dev and u found out that they had begun dating an AB, how would u feel? I guess this is entirely hypothetical for me.....But I can't see how I could avoid wondering how much of the disability caused the breakup. Seems like an inevitable issue to dwell on.
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Post by matisse on Mar 15, 2013 11:47:14 GMT -5
This is a question related to alli's question over in the AAD thread... When you are faced with a pwd who is dev-negative, do you defend or even just share that you know a sane dev or two? Or do you just let their views go uncontested? I defend it, but only along gender lines. It's hard to defend the behavior of most male/hetero devs. I just say that women devs are different, and mostly subject to all the same goofy/girly romantic notions as non-dev women....... So their porn still consists of rolling on the beach in the rain while holding hands, accessible B&B's in the boonies with no internet.....but then also with some other stuff thrown in like watching w/c tennis matches or stealing subtle glances at the wheeler doing the grocery shopping.......
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Post by BA on Mar 15, 2013 20:30:16 GMT -5
This is a question related to alli's question over in the AAD thread... When you are faced with a pwd who is dev-negative, do you defend or even just share that you know a sane dev or two? Or do you just let their views go uncontested? So their porn still consists of rolling on the beach in the rain while holding hands, accessible B&B's in the boonies with no internet.....but then also with some other stuff thrown in like watching w/c tennis matches or stealing subtle glances at the wheeler doing the grocery shopping....... A) Inigo via Allie, that's a GREAT question and one I have wanted to hear guys feelings on for a long time. B) Your reply gave me a case of lol's.
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Post by alluringpariah on Mar 16, 2013 0:52:49 GMT -5
I think you're refering to me when you say alli? Sorry I don't know what a 'pwd' stands for, i'm not hip with the lingo, regardless I can still answer the question.
I first discovered the term 'dev' on that SCI Care Cure site, and apart from here, that's the only place i've ever seen it. I only used to go to that site to read the cure forums, and rarely logged on, it took me years to realise there was a 'relationships & sexuality' forum. So before I came here, I figured female devs were few and far between, as the focus of negativity on the previously mentioned site was toward male devs from mostly female wheelers. They're too PC and preach the whole 'my life is better since etc' tune too often, so I rarely go there now. Since joining this board, i've only come across dev-negativity once and yes I tried to enlighten their closed minds.
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Post by AlrightyAphrodite on Mar 16, 2013 1:54:35 GMT -5
So their porn still consists of rolling on the beach in the rain while holding hands, accessible B&B's in the boonies with no internet.....but then also with some other stuff thrown in like watching w/c tennis matches or stealing subtle glances at the wheeler doing the grocery shopping....... So funny, Matisse! I will cop to the grocery shopping item, but show me the wheeler who can roll on the beach while holding hands in the rain...I apparently should ratchet my expectations way up? On the actual topic, I would love to see someone call CareCure on their shenanigans. I have thought of doing it myself and discussed it with some of the ladies here. Maybe one day I'll have the courage and the time. I first of heard of devs on CareCure when I was dating my ex (a para). I totally had no idea *I* was a dev, because not being a sociopath nor a creeper, I didn't identify with their description at all. The only devs that ever make an appearance over there (or at least, in public) are creeping on people or can't seem to squeak out an articulate sentence. I'm not thinking it's possible to change the mind of anyone over there, but I think it may be worth it to point out that there's a different way to dev, and that some wheelers find the relationship to be symbiotic other than exploitative. It's such a huge source of dev-negativity on the internet that I hate to think what would have become of me (or other devs, in those early anxious phases) if I had stopped there and not come to PD. I might start working on that response. I think that it's not just wheelers but all of us that have something of responsibility to speak out, for all the girls who come behind us (where would I be without PD, or Ruth Madison?! I shudder to think). If anyone, dev or wheeler, wants to critique or collaborate, I'd be happy to share what I've got.
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Post by A££Y "Cuddles" Magoo on Mar 16, 2013 2:14:13 GMT -5
This is a question related to alli's question over in the AAD thread... When you are faced with a pwd who is dev-negative, do you defend or even just share that you know a sane dev or two? Or do you just let their views go uncontested? no way, I would at least try to set them straight. Dev positivity is very important to me. But I still wouldn't push if they didn't want to hear it. Now, if it was a friend of mine I may push a lil harder if they were really negative about it, but really, if u wanna feel like that then it's your loss. Y'know?
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Mar 16, 2013 3:30:04 GMT -5
I think you're refering to me when you say alli? Sorry I don't know what a 'pwd' stands for, i'm not hip with the lingo, regardless I can still answer the question. Yep, I was referring to you. :-) And I THINK pwd is short for "person with a disability." I could be wrong... wouldn't be the first time... but that's how I meant it for this convo. Sent from my MB860 using proboards
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Post by alluringpariah on Mar 16, 2013 6:46:27 GMT -5
I hope I answered your question sufficiently then I would be more than happy to collaborate, though I should point out, like Matisse, i'm kind of borderline on male devs. I know it's probably wrong, but if i'm going to maintain honesty.
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Post by BA on Mar 16, 2013 7:19:00 GMT -5
I hope I answered your question sufficiently then I would be more than happy to collaborate, though I should point out, like Matisse, i'm kind of borderline on male devs. I know it's probably wrong, but if i'm going to maintain honesty. I have always felt deeply hurt because I knew there were plenty of dudes who were so pro-dev on this board and then would never stand up on sites like Care Cure and Apparalyzed. It made no sense that these guys would bash the crap even out of the "concept" of a female dev and in the same sentence talk about how the phys therapist hit on him and how wonderful she is. These guys likely have no concept of how many devs they've dated if they are hanging out in a healthcare or wheelchair sports setting. Does one go and blow the lid off that so that every guy is now suspicious about the girl he is dating? How I see it, is that it must be like a mark of dishonor to be with a dev (even if you secretly really like it) because maybe other guys will think you can't get a "real" (aka non-perverted?) girl to be really into you. Of course we know that is a load of crap as there are plenty of guys who don't date (or knowingly date devs) The easiest thing to do, and I don't blame most of the closeted devs out there, is to love your man and keep your mouth shut like the way it was in the good old days. When I spent a good 5 yrs in the chair sports community and I ventured a guess that all but one of the team members girlfriends were just like me (but without a label at that time). Who really needs to speak out? The guys who have married a dev, who have met multiple devs or who are in a positive ltr with a dev. I hate to be mean but at the moment I am not thinking about what to do with the male devs. Those boards are predominantly male wheelers (that's just the demographic). It's selfish for me to disassociate but I think a small minority make a HUGE mess for us and it sometimes needs to be cleaned up). It is embarrassing. I am open to collaborating in any way I can. The question is how many guys really do even want to say something or is it enough to let this place quietly exist on the down low?
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vancityippy
Full Member
Posts: 209
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by vancityippy on Mar 16, 2013 15:32:09 GMT -5
I absolutely agree with whoever it was that said that open minded wheelers should do their part!
alluringpariah and Matisse, A word about male devotees...this has been said many times, in many ways...but it's a good point, so I'll say it.
I agree that there are some real sicko's...but the creepy devs online (mostly men) are creeps. Not because they're attracted to disabled people, because they're creeps. Civilized devotees don't show up online (except here, where only women are allowed)...because they're not stalking, sneaking photos, pretending and harassing disabled people. A few straight male devs have contacted me through my PM box and have thanked me for talking with them as they have no where to go, no one to talk to. They feel intense fear of revealing themselves because of perceptions about them, and because of how other devotees have acted. So, as lavly said, negative perceptions are keeping devotees more hidden than the would like to be.
I won't ramble on but I think it's the nature of the internet that compounds the already taboo social perception of disability that keeps devotees so underground.
Most things on the internet are creepy.
And because disabled people don't hang out in droves at the club...creepy devs can't approach disabled women and rub their groin against her...shoulder while asking to buy her a drink, like all the creepy non-devotee guys do in the world. So creepy dev guys go to internet versions of a club and rub their internet groin all over disabled women.
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