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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2013 12:37:20 GMT -5
In my opinion, whether you're a carer dev or not you should never be your SO's full time carer. It puts too much pressure on the relationship. Knowing how to help your SO so that you can help out in a pinch is great, but not full time.
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Post by RyooT on Oct 3, 2013 12:48:08 GMT -5
In my opinion, whether you're a carer dev or not you should never be your SO's full time carer. It puts too much pressure on the relationship. Knowing how to help your SO so that you can help out in a pinch is great, but not full time. I agree with you entirely, James. The dependency dynamic that creates would be a relationship killer from the get go. Like all the others I don't mind helping out in a pinch, but I wouldn't ever want to be my SO's primary PCA.
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Post by jacksongirl on Oct 3, 2013 13:10:44 GMT -5
In my opinion, whether you're a carer dev or not you should never be your SO's full time carer. It puts too much pressure on the relationship. Knowing how to help your SO so that you can help out in a pinch is great, but not full time. Totally agree, James!
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Post by Kid A on Oct 3, 2013 13:20:03 GMT -5
I'm also in the nurturer category but happen to also be one of the two PCA's Swagger has at the moment (a 40+ hr/wk per PCA deal - 80 total), and have been so for a little over a year now. I'm really glad I did it, but I would never recommend anyone else do the same. This was simply what the situation temporarily demanded for the both of us, as he needed a PCA (he'd had to fire one during the time we were getting to know each other) and I needed a job if I was going to be able to move across the country to give our relationship a go. I definitely learned A LOT about what it means to be with someone with a pretty severe disability (spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy) and even more about myself. I'm super excited to announce that I will no longer be Swagger's PCA as of the 18th of this month. Praise the LAWD! I couldn't be happier. My other job is starting to take off and not a moment too soon. Working this new job and doing the whole evening/weekend PCA thing was DEFINITELY starting to wear me down. It was sufficiently draining without a second job, so I'm really glad it's almost over. I'm very much looking forward to moving the fuck on without having to wear another hat in the relationship.
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Oct 3, 2013 14:16:33 GMT -5
Do any of you identify as helper devs? You know, it's funny - I would generally consider myself a helper dev, but anyone observing my relationship would probably never guess that. Like Emma, I prefer guys who either need very little help or have their own help. I don't mind helping with the little stuff, like getting things down, etc, but day-to-day constant care would wear me out. However, when one of us has had a rough day, I really like helping with things my guy can do independently. I see it as a wordless expression of trust and closeness, that he can let me help in a situation where he is vulnerable and not worry that I'm going to take advantage of that. It's very soothing to me. I don't like to "talk about it" when I'm really in a bad/sad mood and it's a quiet way to reaffirm that we are there for each other. An AB couple we know has a very interesting dynamic - his wife always takes off and puts on his shoes for him. Always. It immediately reminded me of my "helper" dev instincts - I think there is a really strong nurturing instinct for some devs. Maybe with AB partners, we'd all be taking our guys' shoes off, who knows!
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Post by lisa on Oct 3, 2013 16:47:00 GMT -5
In my opinion, whether you're a carer dev or not you should never be your SO's full time carer. It puts too much pressure on the relationship. Knowing how to help your SO so that you can help out in a pinch is great, but not full time. There are a lot of threads that touch this topic, and I think it's a really important one. I'm not sure whether I qualify as a helper dev, but I certainly do find an attraction in helping with things that would mean a struggle otherwise. Actually you probably wouldn't think so if you got to know me outside the dev world. And being a full time PA would probably get me down in a matter of weeks. But it's still pretty hot to me .
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Post by Ximena on Oct 3, 2013 18:20:36 GMT -5
I'm really empathetic, but I don't think I'd qualify myself as a helper dev... That said, I was raised in a really traditional Latin household where we were taught the woman does everything for the man, and although I'm not afraid to tell my husband "do it yourself," that habit is pretty engrained in me.... So some things I do for him out of habit, some because I know he likes them (like helping him take off his clothes when he gets home from work)....
I really value assertiveness and independence in a partner though, bc I tend to be weak in those areas, so I don't know if I could ever be with anyone who didn't fit those categories. I don't think I'd want that, either.
Side note: Yay, Kid A !
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Post by Kid A on Oct 3, 2013 21:11:38 GMT -5
Thank you, Ximena!
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Post by kivic on Oct 3, 2013 22:24:31 GMT -5
I'm really empathetic, but I don't think I'd qualify myself as a helper dev... That said, I was raised in a really traditional Latin household where we were taught the woman does everything for the man, and although I'm not afraid to tell my husband "do it yourself," that habit is pretty engrained in me.... So some things I do for him out of habit, some because I know he likes them (like helping him take off his clothes when he gets home from work).... I really value assertiveness and independence in a partner though, bc I tend to be weak in those areas, so I don't know if I could ever be with anyone who didn't fit those categories. I don't think I'd want that, either. Side note: Yay, Kid A ! Truly, what is the difference between devs? I think we as women have somewhat of a submissive role to play between men and women. I too grew up in a traditional home with very traditional roles of men and women. I did what I was told, but I found that that was not what I wanted in any relationship I sought with a man. Not interested in being submissive ALL THE TIME. I definitely carry out traditional roles of a woman (and sometimes I resent it), but I know when to be submissive and when I chose not to and the consequences that follow. I care for any man I'm with because obviously I'm with him for a reason. Being in any meaningful relationship means compromise and doing what the other wants to a certain extent. Everyone needs independence, even in the smallest way. I think I am true to my role as a nuturer and it comes naturally and that plays a role in me being a dev too.
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Post by Dee Dee on Oct 4, 2013 18:23:16 GMT -5
I´m so glad to hear that your job (the other job) is going so well, Kid A I agree completely with Kivic - the nurturing part of us does indeed go very deep and involves many other aspects than the one in a relationship. The nurturer in me also blossoms in relation to children, animals, family, friends and so on. It really is a matter of wanting people to be comfortable and the joy it brings when others are happy (the not so positive part of this is, that it can sometimes be hard to say no to people). I never could nor would be someone´s full time carer. I would not have it in me. My hat is off to people who can do it and do do it - whether it is temporary or always.
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Post by Dee Dee on Oct 4, 2013 18:24:59 GMT -5
Do any of you identify as helper devs? You know, it's funny - I would generally consider myself a helper dev, but anyone observing my relationship would probably never guess that. Like Emma, I prefer guys who either need very little help or have their own help. I don't mind helping with the little stuff, like getting things down, etc, but day-to-day constant care would wear me out. However, when one of us has had a rough day, I really like helping with things my guy can do independently. I see it as a wordless expression of trust and closeness, that he can let me help in a situation where he is vulnerable and not worry that I'm going to take advantage of that. It's very soothing to me. I don't like to "talk about it" when I'm really in a bad/sad mood and it's a quiet way to reaffirm that we are there for each other. An AB couple we know has a very interesting dynamic - his wife always takes off and puts on his shoes for him. Always. It immediately reminded me of my "helper" dev instincts - I think there is a really strong nurturing instinct for some devs. Maybe with AB partners, we'd all be taking our guys' shoes off, who knows! That was nicely expressed Z-28 - this is also how I feel
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Post by Kid A on Oct 4, 2013 18:56:30 GMT -5
I´m so glad to hear that your job (the other job) is going so well, Kid A Thanks, Dee Dee!!
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Post by Peony on Oct 7, 2013 8:58:56 GMT -5
Such an interesting thread! Of course I'm a little out of the loop, and with an AB guy (worst dev ever), and call me cold-hearted, but I don't identify with 'helper-dev' stuff at all. While I don't have a heart of stone, I was raised to be pretty independent, and luckily my partner was/is as well. Of course you do things for your beloved, make them dinner, little things because you love them, but for some reason I feel like there is a certain smothering feel to the overly helpful. I don't particularly like being helped myself, in a lot of ways, and I find feelings of dependence in a relationship quite uncomfortable (outside of what I think are quite positive things like the emotional strength you get from your partner, or them carrying the groceries sometimes etc...I guess it's a fine line though!).
And that's not at all a reflection on anyone here, or a dig at how anyone feels about anything. To be honest, my whole perception of this subject, as it relates to devs/dis interactions, is very coloured by a video I saw ages ago. It was a para woman, and a pretty creepy guy dev, who kept trying to help her. I got the impression she was extremely underwhelmed by the whole thing, and wasn't even that happy about being filmed. Of course it's a different situation, and may also be a function of my total lack of experience with dis partners. Maybe I'm just a b*tch (I'm not I swear!)
Very interesting to read peoples thoughts, though. I'm really just into lower SCIs and amps...when I first joined I was so driven to understand and analyse everything about being a dev. I do think it's much more than just a 'thing', but meh, it is what it is, and is way too primal to dissect why it is.
Just mah thoughts, anyway, it's been a while since I've thought coherently about it all, so apologies if none of it makes sense!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2013 8:05:45 GMT -5
Well for me I guess what I'm attracted to so to speak is because of just my circumstances growing up. I have a twin brother who has CP and he went to a more specialized school for disabled kids of all types until grade 3. After that he was mainstreamed and we attended the same school. For me I can remember being around 10 or so and having this intense attraction to one of his friends from his old school that had spina bifida. Honestly, I was more freaked out about telling people that I was gay when I did come out as opposed to being attracted to anyone with a disability.
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Post by Ath on Oct 20, 2013 19:36:24 GMT -5
Im still finding new things attractive and it still comes as a surprise. It has all to do with the person!
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