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Post by missparkle on Jan 12, 2018 7:01:34 GMT -5
Thank you all for your answers. Now reading all your responses, which pretty much all have one thing in common - the relief, it makes much more sense to me. It seems so very logical that I am left stunned how come I didn't bring similar conclusion myself! I was probably withdrawing consequences from my very poor experience, one and only relationship I had with pdw. Although we align on so many different levels, although we have strongly bonded and created extremely meaningful relationship, which lasts even today, he could never truly and fully except, understand or embrace my attraction to his body. And I hadn't even started!!! So let's say loosing my “dev virginity” was not much of experience, it was painful and left me hurt, disappointed and confused. I have never disclosed my devness to him, but I think it wouldn't make things any easier and it wouldn't bring any relief you are all talking about. On the contrary! Of course it is always easier to search for mistakes in others , but I think that the main issue was his (non)acceptance of himself, he was not comfortable with his body, therefore could not be comfortable with my attraction (which was never loudly declared, but only very, very subtle hinted...) It seems I couldn't see the wood for the trees... Maybe I should hike deeper!
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devine
Full Member
Posts: 121
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by devine on Jan 12, 2018 7:03:12 GMT -5
That’s some great perspective from Nia. I always view being a dev like having an attraction. I wouldn’t want to be with one just because she likes my wheelchair or my inability to walk. I would want her to like me for me. A physical attraction is what the tracks someone at first, but you have to build something deeper. I wanted to address the people who say things like, “Thank God for devs!“ How to put this in a PC way… They might have had poor luck with romance in the past and hope that a dev is the magic bullet. Someone who will bow down to you despite anything else. As far as I know, I’ve never known a dev IRL. maybe it’s because they’re hard to find, or maybe there are more willing to open up online. Either way, I’ve had for filling relationships with non-devs I would certainly be open to romance with a dev, But not BECAUSE she’s a dev. While I disagree with you on your view that being a dev is like having an attraction, I do agree that in order to form a meaningful relationship with somebody, there has to be more than just physical attraction. Having a wheeler fetish and a meaningful relationship are two things that don’t necessarily rule each other out. And then there are the trials and tribulations you have with just any relationship.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2018 8:14:33 GMT -5
I have never dated a dev so I couldn’t comment and do it justice. I think you saw one post from one person who threw all those thankful for dev comments lumped together. I can assure you most PWDs aren’t that blatant, because as mentioned above, us interacting with devs is few and far between. In this case devs have the advantage, as devs can spot a wheeler. We can’t spot a dev
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Post by ada on Jan 12, 2018 8:23:57 GMT -5
I have never dated a dev so I couldn’t comment and do it justice. I think you saw one post from one person who threw all those thankful for dev comments lumped together. I can assure you most PWDs aren’t that blatant, because as mentioned above, us interacting with devs is few and far between. In this case devs have the advantage, as devs can spot a wheeler. We can’t spot a dev Not the untrained eye...
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Post by karotix5 on Jan 12, 2018 8:33:55 GMT -5
I have never dated a dev so I couldn’t comment and do it justice. I think you saw one post from one person who threw all those thankful for dev comments lumped together. I can assure you most PWDs aren’t that blatant, because as mentioned above, us interacting with devs is few and far between. In this case devs have the advantage, as devs can spot a wheeler. We can’t spot a dev Not the untrained eye... What's the secret?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2018 8:38:02 GMT -5
Let me retort....MOST of...as in 99.99999999% of wheelers cant spot a dev....
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Post by elbs on Jan 12, 2018 8:43:16 GMT -5
There aren't a lot of autism devs. I have actually seen a few people in forums and such who describe themselves as having an autism/aspie fetish, but I haven't ever met someone or really heard much about it. But I've given it a lot of thought, especially since an anti-dev disabled woman asked me how I'd like it if someone was attracted to me only for my disability. And the fact is, I think I'd like that. Obviously we'd still have to be compatible in other ways, and they'd have to be a nice person in general, but if someone found it a turn-on when I flap my hands or cover my ears, or liked helping me with autism-related difficulties, or just found me more attractive because I'm on the spectrum, I think I'd like that. Because I like my autism, and because I'd have an easy way to get them happy. I can see the physical stuff like the hands, but you wouldn't find it weird that they were turned on by mental aspects of autism? I can't put my finger on why, but it seems troubling to me. Why? I don't get why that would bother me. To me it's no different from liking me because I'm smart, or stubborn, or creative. I'd actually rather someone like how my brain works than like how my body looks.
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Post by darthoso on Jan 12, 2018 9:58:28 GMT -5
Let me retort....MOST of...as in 99.99999999% of wheelers cant spot a dev.... I think I've developed somewhat of a spidey sense for spotting devs (devdar?), you have to talk to them and sometimes you just get a feeling "this person is probably a dev". Two of the three I've had that feeling about actually are devs to some degree. Regarding devs being a compromise, absolutely not. It's liberating and feels equal, as any relationship should.
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Post by shape on Jan 12, 2018 10:32:44 GMT -5
Let me retort....MOST of...as in 99.99999999% of wheelers cant spot a dev.... I think I've developed somewhat of a spidey sense for spotting devs (devdar?), you have to talk to them and sometimes you just get a feeling "this person is probably a dev". Two of the three I've had that feeling about actually are devs to some degree. Regarding devs being a compromise, absolutely not. It's liberating and feels equal, as any relationship should. Devdar... As long as it's not dardev... Could be missunderstood with the man without fear!
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Post by matisse on Jan 12, 2018 11:34:03 GMT -5
I can see the physical stuff like the hands, but you wouldn't find it weird that they were turned on by mental aspects of autism? I can't put my finger on why, but it seems troubling to me. Why? I don't get why that would bother me. To me it's no different from liking me because I'm smart, or stubborn, or creative. I'd actually rather someone like how my brain works than like how my body looks. The examples you give are just regular traits a person might like in another. An autism dev would get an intense sexual reaction to what? What would a trigger be, what is the equivalent to a PD dev seeing a wheeler transfer?
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Post by shape on Jan 12, 2018 11:46:12 GMT -5
Why? I don't get why that would bother me. To me it's no different from liking me because I'm smart, or stubborn, or creative. I'd actually rather someone like how my brain works than like how my body looks. The examples you give are just regular traits a person might like in another. An autism dev would get an intense sexual reaction to what? What would a trigger be, what is the equivalent to a PD dev seeing a wheeler transfer? And what would be a trigger in a smart humorous person?? Comparing to a transfer?? I just find it stupid to try to figure out something like that when you are not willing and open to try and understand it, matisse...
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Post by mona on Jan 12, 2018 12:01:42 GMT -5
The examples you give are just regular traits a person might like in another. An autism dev would get an intense sexual reaction to what? What would a trigger be, what is the equivalent to a PD dev seeing a wheeler transfer? And what would be a trigger in a smart humorous person?? Comparing to a transfer?? I just find it stupid to try to figure out something like that when you are not willing and open to try and understand it, matisse... I agree. And I have a feeling I've seen a couple of women who feel attracted to autistic features. I don't think I know a diagnosed autist but my father is considered by many people as a "crazy professor" and I would bet he's on the spectrum. He was admired by quite a few women - certainly not for his physical appearance. He never noticed it, of course. I worked with a guy who was socially "challenging" but had an incredible memory. I must admit that his sharpness turned me on somehow. 😏
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Post by lucretia on Jan 12, 2018 19:04:27 GMT -5
I don't think being attracted to a smart person is the same as watching a transfer. The dev response is (in many cases) a visceral response. I'm attracted to smart guys, but it's definitely not in the same league as my dev attractions. I think matisse has a point, and I'm also interested in the answer. Does that mean I'm stupid and close-minded, too?
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Post by shape on Jan 12, 2018 19:56:33 GMT -5
I don't think being attracted to a smart person is the same as watching a transfer. The dev response is (in many cases) a visceral response. I'm attracted to smart guys, but it's definitely not in the same league as my dev attractions. I think matisse has a point, and I'm also interested in the answer. Does that mean I'm stupid and close-minded, too? Well, I don't know, are you? It is obviously not the same. One is visual, the other is not. Comparing both things as if the not visual devness is unreal... I'm into much more things that the strictly visual part of a pwd, regarding the disability and further than that. So... If a non-dev asks about devness, gets an answer but insists with such comparison... Just that makes me feel there's not a chance to try and discuss it.
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Post by Inkdevil on Jan 12, 2018 20:22:20 GMT -5
Such a good question missparkle and some great, great answers from the guys. I agree wholeheartedly with the people who have said that being in a relationship with a dev takes the Awkwardness of the disability issue away, because it does. I also agree that it doesn’t stop you hating the shit disability stuff. But it’s a hate you can share with someone who ‘gets’ it. I agree that the female dev/male PWD dynamic works best. Lastly I agree that the dev/PWD dynamic works better when the disabled person is happy and comfortable in their own skin. I would like to add something of my own, but I think others have said everything I wanted to say much better than me. I’ve just picked all the best shiny glittery bits out of the different posts that I can identify with - like a thieving dev magpie.
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