Is dev just a compromise for a pwd?

[missparkle]

I am really a bit confused here, so I would like to hear open and honest thoughts of pwd members, but also from devs who are/were in fulfilling relationships with pwds, who were aware of their attraction at that time.

I read : "I love devs", "I really like devs", "Thank God devs exist"

And, to be honest, I am not sure if I can understand. Would, please, someone, anyone, try to explain?

My rational brain is analyzing:

You are a person with disability, this or that, theoretically doesn't matter. It is not something that defines you, it is not the most important part of you, it is simple one of your many characteristics, integral part of who you are. No matter how well you have accepted that fact and that part of yourself, how comfortable you are with it, it's is probably the thing you'd get rid of the first, if you could, not to use harder words, like hate it or something. You work hard on many fields, very often even harder than most of AB people do, because you want to be accepted for who you are, you want to show the world how much you worth, all together, not just what is obvious at the first glance. And you want to be accepted and appreciated and respected for all that. And that is absolutely fine.

Now here I come, a devotee. I don't like you BECAUSE of disability. I like you ALL together, I do see all of your qualities, everything that makes you YOU, as a person with all your virtues and faults. I like it all together, I find you smart, funny, interesting to be with, inspiring to talk to and very attractive. And yes, I have a crush on your disability. I really like about you something that you are the least proud of. How can two of that combine? Something that you don't really like about yourself has contributed to my attraction towards you and I really love that part of you.

Wouldn't you rather like non-dev girl who would love you DESPITE your disability, so you can “hate it” together? Isn't than a relationship with a devotee just a compromise? Like “ok, what the f... , let it be”, but deep in your heart you'd rather have non-dev girl who “looks over the chair”, and not me, “looking at you in the chair”?! Wouldn't that be the true love story? The triumph of Love over everything, even disability? Wouldn't that be a proof to you that yes, DESPITE the disability you are as worth human being as all the others?! Because she has chosen you, yes, you, among all other men, DESPITE of it?! That you finally “won” in that unfair battle? Isn't then devotee just a comfort-reward? Only the second best, something you are satisfied with in a lack of “better”?! I don't want to be second reward! I want to be a main premium! For everything I am, all good and bad, all together!

And at the end... Let me put it like this, in boy's terms. You can chose, there are two girls with the same “performances”, exactly the same and they both want you and you like them equally. One is dev the other is not. Tell me, honestly, from the bottom of your heart, which one would you choose?

[Nia]

I have just a couple of minutes now so this one would be short
First of all welcome! I’m same age as you and I relate to almost everything you wrote here on PD so far.
I get that this is the question for our guys here and I can’t wait to see all the answers:)
But as a BBW (translation - a big girl with CURVES:)) I can tell you that my boyfriend who happens to be FA (translation fat admirer) is everything but a compromise for me.
I know that being fat is under my control and being disabled isn’t and that that 2 shouldn’t even be compared but let’s say we approve this parallel just for the sake of this thread
I was always desperate about my appearance and always trying to change it before I met him. Guys always liked me and I never had an issue in that matter but I wasn’t happy... and then he came. Adoring me. Seeing my curves as the most desirable thing in the world. They way he looked at me changed forever the way I look at me. Now I can gain or lose weight do whatever it doesn’t matter because I love my body now and finally. And I admit that I would never be able to do it without him. I’m madly in love with my bf I didn’t choose him because he liked me and some other guy who I liked more didn’t. He was my first choice but I was super happy that he liked me and that I am his dream come true.
I would never even date a guy who would be with me despite the fact that I’m big. Why in the world would I do that? This relationship tops all the others I ever had

[sungod]

That’s some great perspective from Nia.

I always view being a dev like having an attraction. I wouldn’t want to be with one just because she likes my wheelchair or my inability to walk. I would want her to like me for me. A physical attraction is what the tracks someone at first, but you have to build something deeper.

I wanted to address the people who say things like, “Thank God for devs!“ How to put this in a PC way… They might have had poor luck with romance in the past and hope that a dev is the magic bullet. Someone who will bow down to you despite anything else.

As far as I know, I’ve never known a dev IRL. maybe it’s because they’re hard to find, or maybe there are more willing to open up online. Either way, I’ve had for filling relationships with non-devs I would certainly be open to romance with a dev, But not BECAUSE she’s a dev.

[AlrightyAphrodite]

Great question, great thread. Looking forward to seeing the guys answer. From my perspective as a dev, I think there can be a great symbiosis between a dev and someone with a disability as Nia described... why want someone who just puts up with that part of you. But sparkle, that part about "so we can hate it together" is interesting to me. There are definitely aspects of a disability i myself hate, but i wonder why the attraction is comfortable for some guys and a real no go to others.

[Deleted]

I think what I like from devs is that they like the disability part. I don't find a disability attractive but the fact thatit can turn someeone one is kind of "flatering" that we are able to seduce persons with that feature. I don't know if what I said made sense.

[krissnap]

Jan 11, 2018 12:58:56 GMT -5 missparkle said:

I am really a bit confused here, so I would like to hear open and honest thoughts of pwd members, but also from devs who are/were in fulfilling relationships with pwds, who were aware of their attraction at that time.

I read : "I love devs", "I really like devs", "Thank God devs exist"

And, to be honest, I am not sure if I can understand. Would, please, someone, anyone, try to explain?

My rational brain is analyzing:

You are a person with disability, this or that, theoretically doesn't matter. It is not something that defines you, it is not the most important part of you, it is simple one of your many characteristics, integral part of who you are. No matter how well you have accepted that fact and that part of yourself, how comfortable you are with it, it's is probably the thing you'd get rid of the first, if you could, not to use harder words, like hate it or something. You work hard on many fields, very often even harder than most of AB people do, because you want to be accepted for who you are, you want to show the world how much you worth, all together, not just what is obvious at the first glance. And you want to be accepted and appreciated and respected for all that. And that is absolutely fine.

Now here I come, a devotee. I don't like you BECAUSE of disability. I like you ALL together, I do see all of your qualities, everything that makes you YOU, as a person with all your virtues and faults. I like it all together, I find you smart, funny, interesting to be with, inspiring to talk to and very attractive. And yes, I have a crush on your disability. I really like about you something that you are the least proud of. How can two of that combine? Something that you don't really like about yourself has contributed to my attraction towards you and I really love that part of you.

Wouldn't you rather like non-dev girl who would love you DESPITE your disability, so you can “hate it” together? Isn't than a relationship with a devotee just a compromise? Like “ok, what the f... , let it be”, but deep in your heart you'd rather have non-dev girl who “looks over the chair”, and not me, “looking at you in the chair”?! Wouldn't that be the true love story? The triumph of Love over everything, even disability? Wouldn't that be a proof to you that yes, DESPITE the disability you are as worth human being as all the others?! Because she has chosen you, yes, you, among all other men, DESPITE of it?! That you finally “won” in that unfair battle? Isn't then devotee just a comfort-reward? Only the second best, something you are satisfied with in a lack of “better”?! I don't want to be second reward! I want to be a main premium! For everything I am, all good and bad, all together!

And at the end... Let me put it like this, in boy's terms. You can chose, there are two girls with the same “performances”, exactly the same and they both want you and you like them equally. One is dev the other is not. Tell me, honestly, from the bottom of your heart, which one would you choose?

First of all, bravo! You are clearly a very compassionate, self-aware person! I don't want to speak for all PWDs, but personally, what I "hate" about my disability is not so much how it affects me, but more how it affects the people around me. I don't necessarily hate that my disability causes me to need help with certain things, but I hate how that responsibility falls on my family and friends, and I struggle with feeling like a burden on the people i love. 
To me, a Dev isn't someone who would love me DESPITE my disability, and simply TOLERATE the challenges it brings. A dev would love me AND my disability, and embrace the challenges it brings with me. Someone like that would do wonders to alleviate the guilt i feel for burdening the people around me. 

[missparkle]

Jan 11, 2018 16:27:49 GMT -5 krissnap said:

A dev would love me AND my disability, and embrace the challenges it brings with me. Someone like that would do wonders to alleviate the guilt i feel for burdening the people around me. 

Hm, thank you very much for this thought, I really appreciate it, I have never consider it from that perspective.   But, yes, hey, how should I know, I am on "the other side of the plot". But now, reading it the way you've put it, it completely makes sense...

[mona]

I had this question, too when I came to PD. Then I read some posts from pwds here and I suddenly felt something like dev pride. I remember a post from @tykes that I can't find right know where he describes in a magical way what it was like for him to be with a dev. And also @mrniceguy started a thread that made clear that dating a dev isn't exactly a compromise. It made me kind of happy.

[matisse]

Jan 11, 2018 12:58:56 GMT -5 missparkle said:

And at the end... Let me put it like this, in boy's terms. You can chose, there are two girls with the same “performances”, exactly the same and they both want you and you like them equally. One is dev the other is not. Tell me, honestly, from the bottom of your heart, which one would you choose?

It's a no-brainer for me, I would take the dev. This probably splits along gender lines, somewhat. I think most girl wheelers would take the non-Dev guy, but a lot of guy wheelers would take the dev girl.

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2018 17:57:04 GMT -5 mona said:

I had this question, too when I came to PD. Then I read some posts from pwds here and I suddenly felt something like dev pride. I remember a post from @tykes that I can't find right know where he describes in a magical way what it was like for him to be with a dev. And also @mrniceguy started a thread that made clear that dating a dev isn't exactly a compromise. It made me kind of happy.

I don't think this is from the thread you were alluding to but I think it's relevant and I'm too lazy to type a new explanation.

"So, it got me thinking. I was talking to a dev about something similar. I’m a total sucker for hand massages. Seriously, if you need someone killed, a drug mule, whatever, give me a hand massage and I’ll do it! But it’s not just because it feels good, I watch my fingers move and I pretend that I’m making it happen. I concentrate really hard on remembering how I would do it. I don’t know how else to explain it but it is the weirdest feeling and I get addicted to it. I've tried doing it myself but it's not even close to the same thing.

The point of the story is that this is one of the reasons I want to find a dev. Not because I think that devs are the only ones to have me or are any more understanding of my disability than anyone else, but because this is something we could share. It feels soooo good to me and I can imagine it would appeal to certain devs. It's something that is exclusively ours. It turns me on knowing that something so simple and automatic to me turns you on. A secret language that no one else will ever know.

I guess I also want to mention this to those of you that struggle with the guilt or whatever, the dev attraction is a two way street. Everyone has their reasons as to why, but many of us want you too! I don't think it's different than any other relationship in that we look for that "connection" with someone and this can be a monumental connection. "

[Mets]

Nope. I think it’s nearly the opposite. I wouldn’t say I’m “attracted” to devs, as devs are to PWDs, but I think it’s pretty easily a plus rather than a minus. For someone like myself who is relatively young/inexperienced, there’s a lot of stuff I was absolutely dreading about dating. Things like transferring and peeing and suctioning, the not-so-pretty parts of disability. Obviously devs aren’t necessarily into those things either, but I think they’re “on board” in a way that not many girls could be, and it’s incredibly comforting to be able to show all sides of disability instead of hiding it/minimizing it, something that I’m incredibly sick of doing.

On the topic of “hating it together”, I don’t think being a dev means you can’t hate parts of the disability too. I hate that I have to be so careful to avoid getting sick, I hate that I lose strength in cold weather, I hate that I have to plan my life more than most 21 year olds, and I hate that I can’t be more independent sometimes. I’m pretty sure it’s safe to assume Julia hates all of these things too.

[elbs]

I know this was aimed at the guys, but I'll chime in on an autistic perspective.

I don't hate my disability. I actually like it, most of the time. It makes me unique, it makes me who I am, and it comes with some perks (special interests and stimming are fun!). With that said, if someone was interested in me and otherwise compatible, but they hated my autism or felt bad for me because I'm autistic, that would be a deal breaker. Any partner of mine needs to either love it or not care.

There aren't a lot of autism devs. I have actually seen a few people in forums and such who describe themselves as having an autism/aspie fetish, but I haven't ever met someone or really heard much about it. But I've given it a lot of thought, especially since an anti-dev disabled woman asked me how I'd like it if someone was attracted to me only for my disability. And the fact is, I think I'd like that. Obviously we'd still have to be compatible in other ways, and they'd have to be a nice person in general, but if someone found it a turn-on when I flap my hands or cover my ears, or liked helping me with autism-related difficulties, or just found me more attractive because I'm on the spectrum, I think I'd like that. Because I like my autism, and because I'd have an easy way to get them happy.

[lucretia]

Jan 11, 2018 13:35:21 GMT -5 Nia said:

I have just a couple of minutes now so this one would be short
First of all welcome! I’m same age as you and I relate to almost everything you wrote here on PD so far.
I get that this is the question for our guys here and I can’t wait to see all the answers:)
But as a BBW (translation - a big girl with CURVES:)) I can tell you that my boyfriend who happens to be FA (translation fat admirer) is everything but a compromise for me.
I know that being fat is under my control and being disabled isn’t and that that 2 shouldn’t even be compared but let’s say we approve this parallel just for the sake of this thread
I was always desperate about my appearance and always trying to change it before I met him. Guys always liked me and I never had an issue in that matter but I wasn’t happy... and then he came. Adoring me. Seeing my curves as the most desirable thing in the world. They way he looked at me changed forever the way I look at me. Now I can gain or lose weight do whatever it doesn’t matter because I love my body now and finally. And I admit that I would never be able to do it without him. I’m madly in love with my bf I didn’t choose him because he liked me and some other guy who I liked more didn’t. He was my first choice but I was super happy that he liked me and that I am his dream come true.
I would never even date a guy who would be with me despite the fact that I’m big. Why in the world would I do that? This relationship tops all the others I ever had

Here's where it's weird for me. I DON'T like guys who like BBW. In fact, one PWD I talked to early on told me he was into BBW, and I immediately felt... Icky.

For me, my curves are something I dislike about myself. I grew up thin and athletic. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I got fat. I still don't "feel" fat, although I clearly am.

I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person I see. It doesn't look like the image of me in my head.

So... I have ALWAYS related to guys who are suspicious of devs. I get it.

However, I am finally starting to let go of my war with my body. I have started entertaining the idea that I could just accept myself as is.

I toy with the idea of being with someone who actually loved my body as part of their attraction, and not love me despite my curves. I don't know what that would even feel like.

On the other hand, if I DID ever choose a guy who was into BBW, it wouldn't be a compromise. It would be because I was ready to embrace my body as an attractive part of me.

[matisse]

Jan 11, 2018 19:38:04 GMT -5 elbs said:

There aren't a lot of autism devs. I have actually seen a few people in forums and such who describe themselves as having an autism/aspie fetish, but I haven't ever met someone or really heard much about it. But I've given it a lot of thought, especially since an anti-dev disabled woman asked me how I'd like it if someone was attracted to me only for my disability. And the fact is, I think I'd like that. Obviously we'd still have to be compatible in other ways, and they'd have to be a nice person in general, but if someone found it a turn-on when I flap my hands or cover my ears, or liked helping me with autism-related difficulties, or just found me more attractive because I'm on the spectrum, I think I'd like that. Because I like my autism, and because I'd have an easy way to get them happy.

I can see the physical stuff like the hands, but you wouldn't find it weird that they were turned on by mental aspects of autism?  I can't put my finger on why, but it seems troubling to me.

[karotix5]

Two things:

Before learning about devs, I was ugly my entire life. That was really hard, still kind of is because I am still ugly to the majority of the population. Now I have the opportunity to be sexy. And that feels fucking awesome.

And secondly, I don't "hate" my disability like you may think. It's just kind of there.

I would much much rather date a dev than a girl who saw through my disability. If you're still having trouble understanding it feel free to pm me and I can try and be a bit more detailed