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Post by missparkle on Mar 21, 2018 5:48:06 GMT -5
I find that PCA is very interesting topic! From my point of view, that is absolutely the biggest issue when it comes to higher-impact disabilities. I hugely respect and value my own privacy and intimacy. Every kind of human relationship, interaction between two beings, comes with it's challenges, difficulties, adjustments, compromises... Being in relationship with high-impact pwd you have to calculate in that “third, fourth, fifth...” person to your everyday life. I know, you will say now “it's just a job”, but we are all people, not robots... And people come with their attributes, with their thoughts, feelings, attitudes. And none of us have ON and OFF buttons for any of those things. So where is the line where “just a job” starts and ends? Where is the line between being professional and being “something more” with PCA, at some level? How do you keep professional distance? I believe this question is not so black and white, but comes in lots of shades of gray... Had a real caregiver that was a girl I dated prior deployment... @feetgearsnrotor, can you try to explain and clarify that choice and decision for me, please? From my point of view it doesn't seem "healthy". But I am probably not able to observe it from the right perspective.
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Post by Mets on Mar 21, 2018 9:58:28 GMT -5
This situation was and is the most stressful factor of having a disability for me. I am totally content with my lifestyle, with my abilities, with my future, but I have never been able to form a care system that I’m proud of and happy with.
I’m relatively new to the independent living thing, so I have a lot more time to figure this out, but it’s extremely complicated and difficult. Very frequently I end up having someone around when I really don’t need anything. Other times I end up on my own facing awkward or somewhat dangerous situations that would be a piece of cake if I had another set of hands.
I don’t usually have them around unless I’m alone, but it’s still a constant thought that I’d be better off with less care overall. Nonetheless, I think in a relationship, it’s one of those things that just takes a lot of cooperation, conversation, and compromise. Pushing to far in either direction is going to add stress for both of you, but I think most people (especially devs) can find a point of balance that works for them.
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thedanvan
New Member
Posts: 14
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by thedanvan on Mar 24, 2018 14:58:45 GMT -5
They're super cockblocks, I remember in college I had to hide them as much as possible to get even a normal conversation started let alone try to hit on a girl.
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Post by Pony on Mar 24, 2018 15:56:43 GMT -5
When I go out with caregiver they think she's my gf...so, it's opposite! lol
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2018 16:18:06 GMT -5
I've never gone out anywhere with a caregiver so I can't speak to that. The only time I need anyone is to get up and do cares in the morning and to get into bed at night. But even that is intrusive and I think scares away some potential mates. Actually, anything out of the norm seems to be enough to make most people "swipe left" nowadays. Not being perfect is the cockblock. Fuck, that sounds cynical. lol Have I mentioned that dating sucks?
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Post by Green on Mar 24, 2018 17:47:59 GMT -5
The only time I need anyone is to get up and do cares in the morning and to get into bed at night. But even that is intrusive and I think scares away some potential mates. This is true, but more of it is how you deal with the issue. You need to be creative with your caregivers and treated something like being the president with bodyguards at every corner. You need some sort of agreement that they can recognize when you need social space, or when you need help when you're not doing much socializing in the first place. When I need help, I don't want to be socializing anyway.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2018 18:16:18 GMT -5
The only time I need anyone is to get up and do cares in the morning and to get into bed at night. But even that is intrusive and I think scares away some potential mates. This is true, but more of it is how you deal with the issue. You need to be creative with your caregivers and treated something like being the president with bodyguards at every corner. You need some sort of agreement that they can recognize when you need social space, or when you need help when you're not doing much socializing in the first place. When I need help, I don't want to be socializing anyway. I'm not exactly sure what you're saying. There's no way to be creative about bringing someone home from the bar only to have them wait for someone else to come throw me into bed. Granted, it only takes 10 minutes or so, but it's still odd to someone that has never been exposed to disability in an up close and personal way. My point is that in the non-dev world, almost anything that deviates from the norm can be an issue. Of course it can be overcome but it will always be an obstacle.
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Post by Green on Mar 24, 2018 21:18:28 GMT -5
I get what you mean, but creativity is all part of that. Your caregiver does not have to be there at the moment the fun goes down. For example, doing things in a wheelchair, using the lift as part of the foreplay, or if not a lift, then just getting you into bed could be part of the fun as well. I don't think this is much different than the same awkwardness that might happen when someone is following you around - whether they be bodyguards or caregivers. Clearly that doesn't translate directly to the bedroom, but that doesn't mean your caregiver is hindering anything. The only thing that's hindering is the other person's interest in doing things "normally".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 14:53:06 GMT -5
I've never gone out anywhere with a caregiver so I can't speak to that. The only time I need anyone is to get up and do cares in the morning and to get into bed at night. But even that is intrusive and I think scares away some potential mates. Actually, anything out of the norm seems to be enough to make most people "swipe left" nowadays. Not being perfect is the cockblock. Fuck, that sounds cynical. lol Have I mentioned that dating sucks? This. Fucking this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 14:57:51 GMT -5
The whole “where there’s a will there’s a way” logic sounds great on paper and all. It sounds even better in your head. But when life happens, life will bitch slap you into reality. The fact is no matter how strong an individual’s mindset is only builds their character. Could it change the perspective of someone around them? Certainly. Does it? To an extent but not to the swooning extent. Take that with a grain of salt because there’s exceptions to every scenario, but generally speaking any third party around has potential to be a cockblock. I don’t care if they’re a caregiver, a roommate, an ex, or your mom.
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Post by mona on Mar 26, 2018 15:36:18 GMT -5
I think Green has written somewhere that he has come to the conclusion that nothing in his life works like it does for average people. So flirting and dating don't, either. The situation where he takes a girl to his place after meeting her in a smokey bar (do those places still exist in the US?) and he has wild spontaneous sex with her on his kitchen table will never happen (this is not happening for a great many AB guys either). So he has to look for other ways. He has written about these ways and he seems pragmatic and courageous to me. Dating sucks. Especially for pwds. But blaming the caregivers seems a little too easy, don't you think? Edit: The most effective pussy blocker I can think of is a kid, btw.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 16:18:00 GMT -5
I think Green has written somewhere that he has come to the conclusion that nothing in his life works like it does for average people. So flirting and dating don't, either. The situation where he takes a girl to his place after meeting her in a smokey bar (do those places still exist in the US?) and he has wild spontaneous sex with her on his kitchen table will never happen (this is not happening for a great many AB guys either). So he has to look for other ways. He has written about these ways and he seems pragmatic and courageous to me. Dating sucks. Especially for pwds. But blaming the caregivers seems a little too easy, don't you think? Edit: The most effective pussy blocker I can think of is a kid, btw. Other people's kids make for great birth control, too. But was anyone blaming their caregivers? I wasn't saying that having the need for one at home was to blame for my dry spell, I was just stating the simple fact that it's not conventional and can be off-putting to those with no knowledge of the PWD world. The only thing that's hindering is the other person's interest in doing things "normally". This was EXACTLY my point. This is the world we live in and Paradevo is not reality. That being said, of course it's not always a deal breaker but it's definitely not a panty dropper either. Crude, I know. The sad reality is that despite how charming one is, or smart, creative, rich, funny, inventive or even traditionally attractive - if they're disabled and especially enough that a caregiver is needed, their dating pool is REALLY shallow. It just is. The actual caregiver is just a drop in the ocean to most people. To those of us in the know, there are nearly endless degrees of disability (think para vs. quad) but to the general public those nuances are not there. There's crippled but fuckable, too crippled to fuck but is fun to hang out with, and just plain ol' NOPE. Okay, there might be a few more degrees in there but I think you get what I'm trying to say. It's my job to move into that first category but there are many people that absolutely can't be swayed. I don't take those people home.
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Post by limplegs on Mar 26, 2018 16:47:18 GMT -5
I guess I'm pretty Fortunate in that I don't need carers outside of getting up in the morning, so haven't experienced the a lot of the issues mentioned. It does make for an awkward conversation when it comes to taking a girl home from a bar/club however. Though I could say I've been pretty lucky in that the girls I've taken back have never found it an issue. I just tell them to go wait in the other room while the carers do their thing.
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Post by Pony on Mar 26, 2018 17:55:28 GMT -5
Me and caregiver are also friends. She's been with me nearly 10 years, and we often call each other "baby." Sometimes we meet for lunch, or out, but we aren't romantically involved. First, I don't like to mix the two, and really I'm just not that motivated although she's a knockout, at times.
I need her hour in morning and less at night.
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Post by Mets on Mar 26, 2018 20:12:57 GMT -5
The sad reality is that despite how charming one is, or smart, creative, rich, funny, inventive or even traditionally attractive - if they're disabled and especially enough that a caregiver is needed, their dating pool is REALLY shallow. It just is. The actual caregiver is just a drop in the ocean to most people. To those of us in the know, there are nearly endless degrees of disability (think para vs. quad) but to the general public those nuances are not there. There's crippled but fuckable, too crippled to fuck but is fun to hang out with, and just plain ol' NOPE.Call me naive, but I really don’t believe this. I think most people, probably a vast majority, have never even thought about dating someone who is disabled. To say that all of these people would immediately disregard someone simply because of a serious disability, who they would otherwise be really attracted to, seems to be really underestimating social progress of the general reputation of disability. I’m not saying it’s a non-factor, but I’m saying most AB people, when confronted with it in a practical scenario, wouldn’t label it as a disqualifier.
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