Outing

[Ciao Bella]

but on the other hand... it kind of is a big deal. or might be. not only to the guy, but also maybe to me down the line. i'm a pretty upfront kinda gal and like to be open and honest. it's a defining character trait for me, and my devness is really the only place i really get stuck. i know when i've dated guys before i have felt a bit guilty and also sad that i felt i couldn't share my true feelings.




[/quote]


hey Dolly, I know exactly what you're saying and feeling. Have a think of this though, if the guy wasn't from this board, then that's when you'd probably have to wrestle with the decision of telling him. However, life gets a bit easier if the guy is from this board. If you're lucky enough to find someone on this board, I would highly recommend trying that relationship out because you both know where you stand on this dev issue...without you having to explain yourself directly to him. Obviously, if he's an anti-dev, he wouldn't be on the board in the first place.

And just some food for thought: If you feel you cannot be open about your feelings to a man (regardless if he's a gimp or not), then is he really worth your time? A relationship is a 2-way street, you accept his whole package, he accepts yours - take the good with the stuff-that-need-to-be-improved-on If he can't handle this very important part of you, I'd tell him to bugger off (if I were in your shoes).

Good luck Dolly, hope you find him soon

[dolly]

thanks isabelle.

i'm laughing at your cliche on the other thread.... since that's exactly what i'm doing!
(putting the cart before the horse)

[laurasweetou]

through reading this thread, I felt like it should be on a case by case basis. I'm not sure if I'll ever tell the new wheeler I'm dating. As for the "being caught" issue, I don't think that's going to be a problem because his level is c3 c4, so I won't really be doing any watching. I gaze at him like there isn't going to be a tommorrow, but I think that comes with any relationship. I do feel like I'm not being totally open, but the relationship is new and no one shares everything at first. I feel iff-y and confused.

[Cake]

Honestly, I don't get how anyone could live any relationship without total openness and honesty. Especially when it comes to paraphilia. No offense, ladies, but how do you do it?
I'm with Medora and Isabelle. A guy who wouldn't understand and accept you the way you are is not really worth the effort that comes with a serious relationship.

[xana]

ok no one outside this board knows about my devness i have been on the point of telling one of my bext friend and my sister a few times but never have something always made me stop. i hate hiding things especially from my gran but i wouldn't want her to think that i was crazy or give her a heart attack. i think i will guard my secret for a bit more. i mean i come from a small country i wouldnt want people to judge me not even my friends or family.

why is it that people have problem with things/ people that/who are different and do not see things as black and white. what is wrong with a woman liking or being attracted to a wheeler/ he is a guy like any other he just uses a whelchair so why do people stare and judge.

[Cake]

With all the people in my live who know (about four), there was no problem at all when I told them. You soon discover that your fear of telling them is much bigger than their fear of you being a dev.
The "outing" is hard, yes. But not because they will hate you afterwards (they won't, especially not when they love you), but because it takes some courage to do it.

[faith]

If you don't meet the person from this site and they know going in... WHEN do you tell them! Before you go out? On the first date? I am all for honesty and openness, but I think the topic is certainly, well, not an easy one to bring up in casual conversation.
For those of you who have told wheelers whom you have dated, when in your relationship did you bring it up?

[BA]

I have always been afraid that in some point in the relationship (if we had a fight or whatever) that the wheeler would use my devness against me with some cruel verbal comment or by broadcasting my interests to the whole world. I am in a profession where I can't afford that to happen, since MOST people just do not understand.

[medora]

I was visiting a friend in uk the last few days, and since I spent the whole time there with her, and I'm in one of the baaad devo cycles at the moment, I had to tell her. And again it wasn't a big deal, she felt more like honoured I'd tell her something that personal.

The day after, a friend of hers came to visit, and we were talking about body modifications and stuff like that, so in that conversation her friend got to the topic of wannabes, and from there he got to the topic of devos and told it like it was the most shocking thing ever. It was such a hilarious moment, I sat there all blushed and staring at my food, just trying not to laugh, my friend didn't manage and she laughed out loud.. Thank god the other guys there didn't understand any german, so we could talk about it later

It's just a funny example, how people react differently to the same thing, depending on the way they hear about something like that. My friend said, if I hadn't told her first, she'd have thought something like "Aw these weirdos, they're sick" or something like that herself. But she first heard about it from a good friend she couldn't just judge like that, so she tried harder to understand what it's all about.

[dolly]

what bizarre timing, medora. i'm glad you got to your friend first.

was her friend a wheeler? how did he know about devs?

[medora]

No he's no wheeler, I have no idea how he knew about devs. I guess he didn't know to much about it, by the way he talked about it. Would have been interesting to find out how "normal" people hear about devs, but unfortunately I changed the subject real quick, because the whole situation was to weird, and I just wanted it to be over

I think there's a great possibility he knew from a wheeler friend or something. The only other time I heard about devs in a real life conversation was because a friend of mine had a wheeler friend who did some kind of skate shows or something, and this guy was somehow stalked by some weirdo devs. I didn't say something in this conversation either, because he had a real bad opinion on devs, and I think I couldn't have changed that view after he heard from "us" in such a bad way..

[laurasweetou]

I have recently "outed" myself to a quad I've been talking with, and he likes me more for it.

[laurasweetou]

When I've met guys out here in the real world, or on non dev-specific sites, I'm too scared to even flirt a little cos I don't know how/when I would tell them. How DO you bring up the subject?? There was one guy recently who liked me and we chatted on the phone etc and talked about meeting in person but I broke off contact just cos I didn't know how/when to tell him about my devness and got the feeling he'd be freaked out by it if/when I did. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know. But I suppose if you can't be open with someone, they're not the right person, right?

I directed this guy to the wikipedia page on attraction to disability, he read it and said "cheers to you for being open!"

[cwbjr]

yeah, i think i've just been outed...

my bf dug around on my laptop and uncovered some pictures. of guys in wheelchairs, of course. annnnnd he wants to talk about it. i've never been confronted about my devo tendencies before, and i'm totally off guard. i don't know what to do. i don't even know that i can explain it to him. i don't know that i want to try. i've never shared it with anyone except online and with a couple of chair guys i've known. certainly never shared with a bf.

i really love this guy, and i think he loves me, too. i think (hope) that he just wants to get to know me even better, but this is a part of me that i cannot imagine sharing with him. this is something that has been so intensely personal that I just. can't. share.

anyone been in this situation before? i feel like i've dug a hole for myself here. and the less i want to share, the more frustrated he gets. he thinks i'm hiding something from him - and he's right.

what to do? can this be salvaged?

[Claire]

cwbjr, is your bf a wheeler, or not? I think that makes a huge difference as to how to handle it.

Since you once mentioned that a gay wheeler with a great personality is a statistical impossibility, I'll assume that he's *not* disabled.

I was outed too, although not the same way. During a particularly difficult time in my marriage when we were both thinking divorce, my husband, while drinking, came right out and asked me if I was attracted to disabled men. Stunned, I kind of froze up, and he went on: "Because I've been reading about BIID, and that's part of it, right?" I absolutely could *not* keep a calm expression on my face nor outright lie to him. I never said a word actually, the look on my face was enough. Too cowardly to discuss the issue with him, I said I had to go get dinner, and got up and went into the kitchen. We have NEVER talked about it since. I don't know what he actually thinks about this, and I'm really too much of a coward to ask him. Like you, I just. can't. share. I guess because it's SO personal, and I'm still ashamed of my devoteeism, and I simply cannot tell my husband outright to his face that I am attracted to other people.

So, you asked what to do. I personally did NOTHING. Things spiraled downward in my marriage for awhile but now we're on the rebound and I think we're going to be okay. Every week things are a little better. Whatever is going on in his mind, he seems to have accepted it on some level. I'm not recommending that you say nothing, like I did. But in my case, it seems to have been salvaged.