Outing

[cwbjr]

no, he's not a wheeler.

i've dated/befriended a couple wheelers in my lifetime, and I was always upfront about my attraction - I think if someone is the object of your attraction, especially something unique like devoteeism, then they have a right to know. but if that has nothing to do with the current relationship, does he have a right to know?

i mean, what is there to say? he's always going to think I'm weird. there's no way around it. it IS weird, I know. I think I'm weird enough - I don't need him thinking it, too. and aren't there some things that I can just keep personal/private, even in an intimate relationship? it's not something that has any effect on our relationship, so why is it relevant? he may couch it in some "getting to know you better" way, but aren't there things about each of us that we DON'T want the other half to know better?

i'm really conflicted by all this. i want to share with him, but not this. and if I come clean, I know that he's not going to feel the same way about me. he's as straight-laced and together as they come, so this outside the mainstream stuff could really throw him for a loop. plus, there's the fact that I don't want to talk about it with him. sounds childish, I know, but there ya have it.

[dolly]

i don't really have any advice, but i really feel for you....

i totally understand not wanting to talk about it. i wouldn't either. i don't think i'd ever contemplate sharing my devness with an AB partner. ever. it is too personal and i don't think there is an 'upside'. either they'd think it was plain weird or they'd try to fulfill that part of my desires somehow and i don't know which would be worse.

i'm sorry this has happened to you.

you said he 'dug around' on your computer... was he snooping, looking for something? in a way that seems to be adequate reason enough for not needing to justify yourself. but not knowing anything about the dynamics of your relationship, it's impossible to really say.

i guess since he was digging around, and found something, the onus is on him to initiate a dialogue. maybe let him ask the questions and give matter-of-fact replies and play it down into just a thing you've always found somehow appealing... without really getting into it.

i hope others with similar experiences to yours and claire's will chime in with their advice. for me, it's just something i've always frankly dreaded...

i send you support and hope you'll keep us posted.

[cwbjr]

thanks. i'm just piecing together the events now, and realizing when he came upon my "stash", and the fact that we spent an entire week together before he said anything. and now i remember coming home from work and finding him quiet and sullen and i realize that's the day he found it all. jesus.

i suppose this is one of the reasons I haven't - up to this point - gotten too close to anyone. i've always got this dirty little secret . . .

so i've been called out, and instead of it being a big relief, like when I came out of the closet, i'm freaked, scared, defensive - it feels awful.

i suppose i'll get to a zen place about all of it someday, to the point where he'll have to take it or leave it, because i am what i am, and all that bs.

in the meantime, i took a sick day today. because i'm sick about it.

[BA]

Hang in there cw. I have never discussed my devness with an ab boyfriend, because it didn't apply to him and/or our relationship. It is way too personal for me... actually the most personal thing about me. I have come to better terms with it via this board. I am married and my husband DOES know about my attraction, but he thinks it's all about me being a "good hearted woman". He doesn't attach it to sexuality at all, either b/c that thought would be threatening to him, or else because he associates disability with asexuality. He is certainly aware of my attraction, but we do not discuss it on any regular basis and he has never thrown it at me in an argument. I think he blows the whole thing off as just another quirk of mine.

I agree with Dolly. Since he went and "dug" and found something, it is up to him to initiate a dialogue. Are you angry with him for digging? I'd feel a bit violated. Was he suspicious in general, perhaps that you were seeing someone else and stumbled on this by accident or did he have some sort of inkling that you liked wheelers?

Now if you love this guy more than a little bit, maybe you do need to come clean with him. I am sure he knows what coming out of the closet feels like. It also sounds like you feel "less" than this guy in some way. You are saying he's so together and straight laced.... maybe he has his own secrets to share.

You have my support on this one.

[charlene]

Cwbjr,

I'm sure you don't need to worry half as much as you do.

I came to realize that the whole dev thing might be much of a deal for me sometimes, but it certainly isn't a big deal for others.

I have told several people in my life and I didn't quite get the reaction I was expecting.
A friend was like "So you're into wheelers? And I like to walk around in vaseline or get tied up."
Or reactions like "MmmUhhaight Let's have some coffee."

Like AB said, people tend to not get it!

Don't worry, cwbjr. I wish you the best of luck.

[cwbjr]

thanks for your support, everyone. i really appreciate it.

we talked last night, and i think we're in a good place. of course it's not as big a deal to him as it is to me. and even though this is intensely private/personal, and as AB says, doesn't apply to him for the obvious reasons, he continued to pry until i gave it all up. i was terribly uncomfortable discussing the whole thing. i couldn't even use any terms of art, if you will (devotee, pretender, etc.) and he was asking about all of it (i finally settled on the term "admirer"). wanted to know where/how i got pictures, did i want to be in a wheelchair myself (no, i do not), down to the last detail. jeesh, how exhausting.

i do love this guy. but there's a power struggle going on currently. and he is as close to perfect (and squeaky clean) as you can get, really. so i'm on the defensive lately, and this just added to it. he doesn't have any non-mainstream fetishes. he doesn't have any wild dating/sex history. none of it for me to even question. so i'm feeling really vulnerable overall.

but, on the whole, i think it's going to be ok. and again, i worried myself sick, mostly for nothing. i'm sure the first time we see a wheeler together it'll be awkward with a capital A, but not nearly as much as this experience has been.

any developments, and i'll update.

yinz are the best. thanks again for your supportive words.

[faith]

cwbjr- I am a little late on this thread but I am glad it all seems to be okay.

Quick question for you- after you told him did you tell him you are not the only one, that there are others who feel the same?
Since he would fall in the "general population" (not a dev and not disabled) I just wonder how many "general" people even KNOW that devotees exist.

I hope it all works out for both of you.

[Claire]

Jul 17, 2008 1:57:44 GMT -5 @charlene said:

I came to realize that the whole dev thing might be much of a deal for me sometimes, but it certainly isn't a big deal for others.

I have told several people in my life and I didn't quite get the reaction I was expecting.
A friend was like "So you're into wheelers? And I like to walk around in vaseline or get tied up."
Or reactions like "MmmUhhaight Let's have some coffee."

Charlene, that is so true. I tend to panic over this stuff because of anti-devotee or anti-wannabe sentiments expressed on the web. My overactive imagination has me imagining that this is how my loved ones are going to react when I tell them. I imagine rabid hate and intolerance and people telling me that I'm fucking crazy and they never want to talk to me again. But yanno what? That's never happened. Not once. The reactions of random strangers online who have no idea who we are and who have never met a real devotee (or wannabe) in their lives are not the same as those who know us and love us and see that we're good people regardless of whatever else we may be. Sometimes the reactions are totally the opposite of what you'd think. Once a friend of mine, who is a devout practicing Catholic, confessed to me that he had a foot fetish. I, in turn, revealed my devoteeism and BIID. Far from calling me a pervert in shock and outrage, or lecturing me on my sinful ways (which is what I expected, foot fetish or not), the first thing he said was to liken my "suffering" to that of some saint (not sure which one) and to speculate that he may be in fact speaking with a saint right now!

I'm the farthest thing from a saint, but I'll take that over condemnation and fire and brimstone any day.

[cwbjr]

Jul 19, 2008 16:04:40 GMT -5 faith said:

cwbjr- I am a little late on this thread but I am glad it all seems to be okay.

Quick question for you- after you told him did you tell him you are not the only one, that there are others who feel the same?
Since he would fall in the "general population" (not a dev and not disabled) I just wonder how many "general" people even KNOW that devotees exist.

I hope it all works out for both of you.

Faith - we didn't get into the whole population of devs. while in my own mind the existence of other devs lessens the feelings of isolation and embarassment and lends a sense of comfort/community, somehow explaining the whole "dev underworld" would have come off as just. too. much. especially given the emotionally charged nature of his finding out. perhaps another day.

although, given his inquisitive nature, i wouldn't be surprised if he did some research on his own . . .

[cwbjr]

Jul 20, 2008 0:25:30 GMT -5 Claire said:

Jul 17, 2008 1:57:44 GMT -5 @charlene said:

I came to realize that the whole dev thing might be much of a deal for me sometimes, but it certainly isn't a big deal for others.

I have told several people in my life and I didn't quite get the reaction I was expecting.
A friend was like "So you're into wheelers? And I like to walk around in vaseline or get tied up."
Or reactions like "MmmUhhaight Let's have some coffee."

Charlene, that is so true. I tend to panic over this stuff because of anti-devotee or anti-wannabe sentiments expressed on the web. My overactive imagination has me imagining that this is how my loved ones are going to react when I tell them. I imagine rabid hate and intolerance and people telling me that I'm f*cking crazy and they never want to talk to me again. But yanno what? That's never happened. Not once. The reactions of random strangers online who have no idea who we are and who have never met a real devotee (or wannabe) in their lives are not the same as those who know us and love us and see that we're good people regardless of whatever else we may be. Sometimes the reactions are totally the opposite of what you'd think. Once a friend of mine, who is a devout practicing Catholic, confessed to me that he had a foot fetish. I, in turn, revealed my devoteeism and BIID. Far from calling me a pervert in shock and outrage, or lecturing me on my sinful ways (which is what I expected, foot fetish or not), the first thing he said was to liken my "suffering" to that of some saint (not sure which one) and to speculate that he may be in fact speaking with a saint right now!

I'm the farthest thing from a saint, but I'll take that over condemnation and fire and brimstone any day.

It's kind of like coming out, really. In your own mind you tend to think it's SUCH A BIG DAMN DEAL, and meanwhile, everyone that I told [that I was gay] was very "Meh, whatever. Wanna go get a drink?"

[faith]

I told my best friend. Yep... I did it.

It was hard to bring it up and I played it over in my mind how to "bring it up" but when I did it was no big deal to her.
She said (after she laughed) something like: "You're kidding. How do you know?" (I told her I always KNEW, but I learned on-line we are called "devotees" etc). After looking at me a bit strange she said, "you mean there are other people who feel the same?"...
I said yes. And she went on to the next topic! That was it. Nothing more.
We spent that day together and I did point out the little blue guy to her... she laughed.

One friend down.. dozens left to go. Not that everyone needs to know!

[BA]

Jul 29, 2008 7:30:29 GMT -5 cwbjr said:

Faith - we didn't get into the whole population of devs. while in my own mind the existence of other devs lessens the feelings of isolation and embarassment and lends a sense of comfort/community, somehow explaining the whole "dev underworld" would have come off as just. too. much. especially given the emotionally charged nature of his finding out. perhaps another day.

although, given his inquisitive nature, i wouldn't be surprised if he did some research on his own . . .

You know, CW, I love that you have posted here. If I were a gay disabled guy and read your posts, I think I might have to like you a whole lot.

[laurasweetou]

I am late as well coming to this thread and I'm terribly sorry. My own life has been this biggest whirlwind that it's ever been this summer OMG. My 6 pence... Listen to what's been given as a precious gift, you ARE NOT ''weird'', as AB says, it's ''just a quirk'', not a lifestyle like I feared lol. We need to try to love all of ourselves. Being a dev is important, but it is not your entire core, there is so much more to you than that, I can see it from everything you've said. I agree with AB, I may have to like you too. Being outed is rough, and I would be so angry and hurt if I was outed like you were, sick day and all. In my own life, I don't have a lot of close friends, and none of them no, because they don't need to. If this were to ever come up, I would be open and honest, just because that's who I am, and I think they (and I) deserve it. I know my mom, who is one of the three closest people in my life knows something, but of course she has no word for it and it's not ever brought up and in 10 years I have been with 5 wheelers now (one current). I outed myself before I met my boyfriend now before I met him on a dating site and that's what made him take an interest in me. He told me it was a wow factor, had no idea we existed, thought it lovely, and loves that part of me. He says he feels more comfortable and trusts me more than any other woman he's ever been with in 26 years of being paralyzed. Amazing huh? The only bad thing about this is he lives in Ireland and I live in America. I'm here for the summer and having a whole lot of ups and downs, but my fellow sisters and the wheelers are telling me this is VERY normal, epically for the particular situation we've put ourselves in. OK, I'm full of ramblings this morning... sorry. I am available for a shoulder, stiff drink, or a pedicure any time. I wish you all the best and hope to read updates regularly, we care about you.

[cwbjr]

Thanks, ladies. I take your words as the highest of compliments.

Talking to a friend online the other day, we wonder where we'd be if we'd had paradevo, youtube, etc. when we were kids. I really think I would have turned out differently. I suppose it's analogous to coming out as a gay man today versus 30 years ago - we're afforded all kinds of liberties today that were unimaginable back then. If I'd recognized/embraced my devotee side from a much younger age, I suspect I would have outed myself previous to this experience. Not to mention my dating history would be enormously different.

Oh to be young and have the world at your fingertips, thanks to the internets...

[laurasweetou]

I "came out" to my mom while in Ireland, it went VERY well, so... don't be afraid. I even came out to one of the PCA's and showed her the site, she thought it was wonderful and wants to tell people abolut us. Power to the devs! While talking about this with mom, I NEVER used the terms dev, devo, devotee, or mentioned paradevo, just that I think I'd rather date a wheeler than an AB and she said she was happy about that and that I'm comming in to myself. P.S. Irish eyes are watching me. What have you all to say about one of our brand new members being him? He said he'd only read MY posts, not yours, so you your all good.