babs
New Member
Posts: 25
|
Post by babs on Jan 21, 2006 15:00:07 GMT -5
I think this Q highlights a difference between men and women that make the guy/dev relationship more natural than woman/devotee. I think most disabled women would be very uncomfortable dating a guy who was turned on by their physical routine and challenges. I don't think the same is true for most guys. I think it would be the opposite. If a woman was turned on by watching how we take off our clothes, or the effort to get into bed, well, that would be GREAT!![/quote]
Hi, Interesting point of view. Though it puzzles me now what the nature of difference it is between men and women that causes this. You are probably right when you say most disabled women would be uncomfortable dating a guy who was turned on by their physical routine. I guess, that they would feel a sense of shame doing these routines. Strange that most guys don't feel that sense of shame, when by nature they're supposed to be the strong and protective male.
|
|
|
Post by Triassic on Jan 21, 2006 16:16:43 GMT -5
Do most of the guys here use clean intermittent catheterization?
|
|
|
Post by damedevo on Jan 21, 2006 16:56:52 GMT -5
I was wondering if this would be a great thread to explain about the medical side of disability, ie some people may be afraid too have sex with a wheelchair user as dont understand about leg bags or the mechanics of catheters , condoms etc. Do most Devo,s know this or does any devotees have any questions? Paul, thanks for your comments. Since I'm not involved with anyone with SCI, I'm just a member of the idle curious--or perhaps voyeuristically curious. And I wouldn't even know what to ask. But let me turn your question around: Is there anything you'd like a potential partner to know in advance? If so, please share. Also, and especially in light of the thread about sharp comebacks to silly questions, I'd like to know more about the mechanics and limitations in daily life. For instance, for people of normal body weight, using a good w/c cushion, how long can you reasonably sit? Do evening social engagements pose a risk of pressure sores, if you've already been sitting all day? Do car trips? Do you need to drink water more often to avoid UTIs, therefore visit a bathroom more often? Are there common problems with commonly used meds, such as those for spasm or pain? If you tend to have pain, is it worse at certain times of day? What do you wish friends already knew about you, so that you wouldn't have to spell it out? I'd like to hear from anyone who cares to reply.
|
|
babs
New Member
Posts: 25
|
Post by babs on Jan 21, 2006 17:10:56 GMT -5
The thought of the imminent hot, nasty, enthusiastic sex has a tendency to override a lot of other emotions...... Uhm... without a doubt. You guess, that thought is not so strong for disabled women to override their emotions? I loved the way you ended your post about the natural guy/dev combo. Talking about a turn on...
|
|
|
Post by damedevo on Jan 22, 2006 2:20:02 GMT -5
"sexual fixation and love? any thoughts"
Seems to me that a tendency to be turned on by seeing a guy handle his weenie is one thing; but a fixation that prevents a compassionate response to an accident that he finds upsetting dooms the relationship.
|
|
|
Post by Chan on Jan 22, 2006 2:26:37 GMT -5
I'm not one to be 'sexually thrilled' by the idea of all that you just described, Auscrip. I suppose this classifies me below the hard-core dev line. As a devotee, while I'm not turned on by the idea of bowel/bladder matters, it really and truly doesn't bother me in the slightest. I am, however, extremely interested in the 'workings of things.' I'm not repulsed by that aspect of the disability, I'm not turned on. But I am interested. About a month ago I actually got to help in the removal process of a cath and was just genuinely fascinated. I'd known every aspect of catheters and whatnot beforehand, but actually seeing/doing it in real life was an experience. It wasn't sexually exciting, but it didn't turn me off either. It was just kind of...neat, I guess.
I don't know, maybe I'm just weird. But that's my take on the matter.
|
|
|
Post by Julie on Jan 22, 2006 2:40:05 GMT -5
auscrip: i totally get what ur saying about the accidents but cant something be a turn on without me wishing it maliciously on u??
like for example: i get turned on by guys with an sci but i wouldn't wish it on anyone! i definitely wouldn't want a guy to get skin breakdown and feel crappy but i cant help it that i think it's sort of hot when the accident happens. i know its wierd but i think i'm otherwise a good person. maybe having a dev around who thinks that way might make the accidents a little less awful hmm?
|
|
|
Post by wheelie37 on Jan 22, 2006 2:46:23 GMT -5
to answer damedevo,s earlier questions. for me i have a good cushion which molds to my bum, so am fortunate not to get pressure sores. i also got in the habbit of fidgeting and lifting my bum quite often which helps. obviously when driving long trips, it isnt possible to drink whilst driving, but if the need occurs too wee, it is possible too pull over at a service station, layby and open door and empty legbag outside, or even keep an empty bottle in the car for emergencies like stuck in traffic jam. We should all drink a lot of water too help stop uti,s ,but personally i dont drink as much as i should , though i do go down the pub a couple of times aweek and have a good flush through I think it would be nice for girls too ask about the leg bag and how it attaches etc, rather then seein it and being put off instantly because they are afraid of something they dont understand wouldnt it be great if they did disability awareness and include it in sex education too enlighten people!
|
|
|
Post by damedevo on Jan 22, 2006 3:00:09 GMT -5
"wouldnt it be great if they did disability awareness and include it in sex education too enlighten people!"
Thanks for your answer, Paul. Yes, I know our public schools are mandated by the State of CA to offer health and sex education through gym class, but I seriously doubt that any time will be devoted to disability awareness. However, I can certainly ask my daughter's gym teacher. If she has the latitude to give the topic any coverage (instead of having to stick to a scripted curriculum), what would you suggest as the main points to include for young adolescents? I don't know the extent to which 11- 14-year-old kids may have absorbed the societal assumption that "disabled" means "asexual." But the teachers probably enforce the notion, merely by omitting any mention of it and being uninformed about it.
If you know of any online references I could print out, please let me know. Change will come about only if parents ask for it.
|
|
babs
New Member
Posts: 25
|
Post by babs on Jan 22, 2006 4:49:07 GMT -5
Auscrip, I totaly agree with you. I have been in a longterm relationship with a C5/6 quad and when we started dating the spinal issue only popped up in the conversation when it was necessary. We had to much fun fooling around being smartasses and had to much other stuff to talk about. I found out about all b&b stuff later. It didn't turn me on, but I wasn't disgusted by it either. Like you said it's just a fact of live living with SCI. You have to deal with it, if you like it or not. I can't imagine either, someone being turned on by bowel and bladder accidents. That's really beyond me. But on the other hand when he needed help taking of his clothes or anything, I found that this really did something for me. Maybe it was because he was a really confident guy and seeing him just a little more vulnerable made me love him more and finding him very attractive. Well, I quess I don't classifie as the hard core dev. Don't even know if I am one to begin with. But that's why I am here to find out.
|
|
|
Post by Triassic on Jan 22, 2006 5:30:12 GMT -5
Just how often can a person w/SCI expect a bowel/bladder accident to occur? Is one ore likely than the other?
|
|
|
Post by Pisti on Jan 22, 2006 8:41:15 GMT -5
It might be just because of our cultural differences, but I don't feel confortable in any way to discuss bodyly functions - neither his nor mine. It is still something like a taboo... Actually everybody expects you to know about those things because we did learn them at school - functions and disfunctions, too - and you are free to read about it. But it does not mean that we are bothered by those things - just by the talk about them. And we are friendly and good caretaking folks, so we accept whatever comes - usually (but for example I had a bf who was disgusted by the monthly bloodloss of his women...). As for myself I didn't have any relationship with people with sci yet, but accidents may happen to everyone. I had friends - note I'm not talking about boyfriends - whos defence against hangover has been to stay drunk for weeks, usually up to the level that some of them couldn't recall his own name (none of them became my bf of course)... There has been lots of cleaning to do for the more reasonable part of the team... We usually did it with a crazy laugh about the whole situation... The thing is that I expect my men to be able to take care about themselfs, or do as much as they are able to, and if need be I'm happy to help. But having the obligation to be around someone 24/7 at his service all the time might kill the tenderness of the relationship. Undressing him before beeing together is a real turn on though - but if I'm undressing him, I expect him to undress me, too. Back to catheters - there is one thing that freaks me out about them: how LONG they are actually... ... and usually what freaks me out is good to fuel stupid nightmares - like the end of it pocking out of the guys belly button, or even on the top of his head...
|
|
|
Post by dolly on Jan 22, 2006 11:18:56 GMT -5
I'm not one to be 'sexually thrilled' by the idea of all that you just described, Auscrip. I suppose this classifies me below the hard-core dev line. As a devotee, while I'm not turned on by the idea of bowel/bladder matters, it really and truly doesn't bother me in the slightest. I am, however, extremely interested in the 'workings of things.' I'm not repulsed by that aspect of the disability, I'm not turned on. But I am interested. ditto what chan said. exactly.
|
|
|
Post by BA on Jan 22, 2006 13:28:46 GMT -5
I agree totally with Chan. Bowel and bladder functions, cathing, accidents etc. are not a turn-on for me, nor are they a turn-off. These things are non-sexualized where I stand and just a part of life. We all take a crap and I, like many other post-childbirth females have occasionally sneezed or cough hard enough to leak in my own knickers. It is a non-issue, but I certainly have empathy and compassion for the sense of self-conciousness that comes with having an accident.
Transfers can be a different matter. I relate transfers in a sensual/sexual way because I enjoy seeing a guy's body in action. I also enjoy seeing a handsome AB guy take a nice dive into a pool. I am sure that most of you gentlemen feel this same way about seeing a pretty woman's hips sway as she walks. I can't explain it any better than that.
|
|
|
Post by Chan on Jan 22, 2006 13:57:12 GMT -5
What about the non-hygiene stuff, like transfers. Turn on or just interesting? I thought it was a turn on for all devs. Transfers, not so much for me. Before I'd actually witnessed one I guess I thought it would be sexy. But really, every time E had to transfer from his chair to the car I mainly was just afraid the chair was going to roll back or slip away, so I was always positioned and ready for the worst case senario. In the ways of devness I was never like "Oh yes!", just more like "Okay, this is how it's done." From what I hear, spasms tend to turn a lot of devs on as well. Again, I guess I'm not in the same boat on this one. E tended to get them when I'd lie on top of him, but I would just tense one of my legs around his and that seemed to help. They don't turn me on nor turn me off, just something that happens. But don't get me wrong, there's plenty of other stuff that I enjoy; things as small as watching him write. I even took a picture of that while he was demonstrating how he did it. I also like the way he has to lift every so often to avoid a pressure sore. I think that's pretty cute, actually. But as for the sexy factor, I just really enjoy watching him move about during daily activities and such. For a quad his movements are really smooth. I think that's sexy. Even things as small as the way he turns his chair or opens a door gets to me. I'm telling you, that first day when he brushed his hand up against my face.....*sigh* that right there sent blissful jolts straight to my lady parts and still does to this day.
|
|