Is "nursing"/being a carer a important part of being a dev?

[LaMara]

There's been a lot of talk about devs having the same responsibilities as a carer in a relationship, and that made me think a lot about my personal devvyness...
From what I read around here, for most of the devs being a carer, almost a nurse, is part of what makes them devs. The idea of having a partner that is, in most circumstances, helpless, is an important ingredient of what makes a relationship with a pwd so appealing.
But for me it doesn't work like that. Actually, it's almost the opposite, and I'd like to find out if I'm the only one. Because if I am, maybe I'm not properly a dev (or am I?)
To me, an independent pwd that can pretty much do everything himself is the sexiest thing ever, I'd stay there and watch this hypothetic guy do stuff in his own way all day long, but the helplessness, the complete need for assistance, doesn't really push any button.
Am I an exception?

[Maurine]

Even if you were one of few devs who aren't into guys who need a lot of assistance and who don't like nursing, that wouldn't make you less a dev! Being a dev in a different way than most doesn't mean you're not a proper dev!

That being said, what you describe is not unusual among devs at all. There are many devs on here who prefer men with a disability that allows them to be completely independent of carers. Maybe some of them won't admit it openly on the board, because they are afraid of upsetting guys with more severe disabilities.

It's very sexy to me as well if a disabled man can do almost anything. However, the man who seemed such a great match for me from the beginning happened to be a quad. I do love his hands and the way he uses them to no end, but ironically, I don't like his need for assistance. I do his care mainly for practical reasons. Also, like this, while he's not fully independent himself, we're at least independent as a couple.

I think I'm somewhere in between the two ways of being a dev that you describe. Occasional help is very sexy to me. Taking care of injuries strongly pushes my dev button, but someone else or the injured person themselves taking care of it is devvy to me, too. I also like to care for someone who temporarily needs lots of help, e.g. due to a sickness. However, permanently requiring help with everything isn't overly devvy to me. I'm thrilled when my bf accomplishes physical tasks that are difficult for him or if he surprises me by doing something I didn't know he's physically capable of. I can't help frowning upon people assisting him more than necessary. I love that his SCI is incomplete and that he's relatively fit for his injury level.

If a disabled man requires a lot of assistance, it's very important to me that he's still independent in that he decides what his assistants do. I've heard of disabled men lazily relying on their assistants for everything and putting them in charge of thinking. This is very unappealing to me. Best case for me would be if the assistants were replaced by robots or at least treated the person they work for like their boss instead of the other way round. There are assistants who act like a parent or a guardian of the person they're employed by, which is an absolute no-no for me. Part of why I don't like if a partner needs help with everyday tasks is that many carers and assistants I've come across or heard of have at least a slightly patronising attitude.

[LaMara]

Thanks Maurine!
I can't stand patronizing people in any circumstances, it infuriates me, and I've seen plenty of unprofessional carers employed by my family in the past.

You mentioned not upsetting some of the guys here. I get that too, but I cannot control who and what I'm attracted to, and a mature enough guy should be able to grasp this concept.

Also, my whole point is not that I wouldn't be willing to lend a helping hand when needed, but simply that it doesn't trigger any dev feeling for me.

[vegmama]

I wouldn't say you're less of a dev at all! We all have different interests, turn-on's, triggers, etc. And thank goodness we do! If all devs were into high levels of care, where would that leave the low level paras and more independent PWD's? And vice versa...if all devs were only into the highly independent and didn't like caregiving, that would suck for the high injury and more severe PWD's. (Speaking in the dev/PWD world of course!  )

I think it's a great thing that for as many levels of disability and independence there are, there's an array of devs to be into them.  

[Emma]

Nope that's not part of it at all for me. I have always preferred guys who are independent and if I never had to help with anything I'd be totally fine with that. We all know that in a relationship everyone has to help sometimes (even in AB relationships). I my situation I just help a little more than with an AB guy but nothing significant.

[Deleted]

I don't really want to be a caregiver either, I am interested though in anything a disabled man deals with...but I am on lunch right now and can't respond too much....I did write a bit about that in the thread about "Seeking a partner" in the General Section

[LaMara]

tc123 to me there's no hierarchy at all, no medals, no competition... just the strong need to *belong*
I spent so much time thinking I was alone and no one would understand this part of me, and I feel so lucky I found PD.

I hope I didn't give the impression I wanted to compare myself or compete with other devs, I was just curious about how we are all different, as difference has always fascinated me. To understand myself better, I try to understand people around me, so to fully get in touch with my dev side, I try to find out as much as I can about how you lovely bunch feel

[kat]

Jan 14, 2015 14:54:19 GMT -5 tc123 said:

Slighly off topic, not to derail… But, this has been on my mind a lot lately:
One thing I have noticed in my time here is a lot devs compare themselves to the others.
Those in AB relationships vs. those in PWD relationships…
Those who like to be the carer vs those who don't. ETC. 

Is it really a "higher" status to be any of these things? Is being "more of a dev" really medal worthy? Cuz, I don't think so.
It's confusing to me sometimes. Like we're competing for this medal, that I really don't feel there is a point to, or even really healthy. I just feel like we should do what feels right, and what works for us.
Are there devs who do feel that there is a "status" to be achieved in devness? Or is it just me that notices this?  Just curious… Is there really a hierarchy?
If so, who determines it?
Getting off my soap box now

I don't think it's about status at all; rather, I think it's about belonging, as LaMara noted. A lot of us never had a word or community for what we are. Then, one way or another, we figured out this "dev" thing, and for a while, it's all "yay! I belong somewhere now! There are people like me!". Only after a while, you start to notice that you might be atypical in some aspect from most devs. You start to doubt the label - am I a dev after all, if I don't like/do X? I've done this myself, and I still do it at times - some of the things I like seem rare among devs, and so I start to doubt the label.


I think it's just a very human thing that we like to impose labels on ourselves and others.

[Justagirl]

I think this is a great point. I don't consider myself a 'hard core' dev, especially not when reading what some of you devs think and feel. Sometimes I don't have anything to contribute because I don't feel as strongly as others do. However, (and I have given this some thought)..... I still consider myself a 100% dev, even if I'm considered on the lighter end of the spectrum. After all, I found this place didn't I? And it was not by accident. So yes, I think we ARE all different and I try not to compare myself to anyone else, dev or not. If I had, I would have left PD by now on the grounds that I'm not 'dev enough'. I don't think there is such a thing though, just like you can't be too much of a dev either. We definitely each 'dev our own way' and I think that's great. For all the ways we can differ as devs, our disabled counterparts can differ among themselves as well. I wouldn't want it any other way.

[lucretia]

Nursing is not on my list of dev turn ons. I realize I sound like I'm contradicting myself. Being there for my husband when he needs me is important to me because we are married. When you are in a committed relationship, you do for each other. When you do for each other, it can bring you closer.

That is not the same thing as being "turned on" by caregiving.

Caregiving is not part of my devness. If my husband never needed a single moment of care again, it wouldn't impact his dev appeal, positively or negatively. The caregiver piece is a necessary part (in our case very small part) of any AB/Dis relationship.

I think if this were a poll, many devs would say they are happy to provide care, they enjoy the closeness being interdependant brings to a relationship, but caregiving in itself is not a part of the dev attraction.

I don't think of devness as a continuum. I don't think you can be a little bit dev any more than you can be a little bit pregnant. We all experience it differently because we are all different beings. No two devs will ever have exactly the same dev response.

For some devs, being a caregiver is part of the attraction. For others, it's not. For some devs, hardware plays a role in the attraction. For others, hardward does not.

I think trying to measure devness is a futile exercise. Let's say you have 5 devs for whom caregiving is a part of the attraction, and 5 devs for whom it is not. You will then have 10 very different ways to approach caregiving, because no two will be the same, regardless of which side of the question they take. Devs for whom caregiving is not a part of the attraction may well find they can use the caregiving component of the relationship to draw closer to their partner. Devs for whom it is may find themselves burned out and unable to maintain a positive reaction to caregiving after a short time.

Caregiving is difficult work, even in small doses. Regardless of whether it creates a dev response, devs and their disabled partners would be wise to make sure there is constant communication regarding the balance of work. Having a backup, even if you don't think you will need it, is essential.

[doe]

I think it's really important to reinforce that everyone should "dev" in their own way and not feel under social pressure to conform to what can loosely be described as Board norms. Many devs have suffered loneliness, isolation, confusion and guilt on their journey to find this Board and it is understandable to want to fit in and achieve that illusive sense of belonging. But as PretzelTwist points out comparison is fraught and the individual nuances of each dev is what makes for great conversation/discussion. It always saddens me when a dev judges her own dev worth by reference to prevailing Board views. There is no such thing as dev credentials, just dev acceptance.

[Kid A]

I'm in the not-too-fond of being a carer camp. It doesn't typically hit a dev button for me and having been a carer full-time for my last partner, it has become something I rather loathe most of the time. It's not the act that is loathsome itself, but all that it brings up for me. I felt so trapped by that role, wearing multiple hats, and ultimately, feeling completely relied upon. It placed too much pressure on the relationship, though, oddly enough, was not the death knell in the end. That being said, I have no problem stepping in when necessary and love the independence it offers heph and I as a couple. I think it's an important skill (being able to step in as the caregiver) to have for anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has a disability that requires round-the-clock care.

Aye, there is the rub. My dev buttons are almost exclusively pushed by disabilities that require almost the constant presence of a PCA or partner who steps into that role (with the exception of sensory disabilities). I may have simultaneously prepared myself and ruined the role by taking it on exclusively in my previous relationship. Overall, I'm super thankful. I feel like it's given me a lot of perspective on the issue and I am constantly reevaluating it (this is why I deleted my last post - I realized how harshly it came across and it felt inauthentic). In any case, I'm with everyone else - being willing to take on the role, loathing the role, or wanting to take on the role of caregiver - wherever your preference lies, it just doesn't matter. It doesn't make you more/less of a dev. As it's been said time and again, "everyone devs differently". I think what binds us are both our similarities and differences, if that makes any sense. I take a lot of comfort in the fact that we can all discuss them here and feel relatively safe doing so. I, for one, welcome the diversity. I'm so grateful to have PD. Thanks, ladies.

[LaMara]

Gosh I'm sorry if it seemed like I was looking for "devness standards", it was NOT my intention, and when I started questioning my being a dev it was just an exaggeration (out of insecurity). I don't think there are, nor there should be, standards in being a dev, I was just curious because I had the feeling on this specific issue I was a minority... but it comes out I'm not after all!
I've been around here only a month or so, there's still so much I don't know about how other people live their devvyness, so I apologize if i used the wrong words to express my curiosity.

[Justagirl]

Jan 14, 2015 17:29:41 GMT -5 LaMara said:

Gosh I'm sorry if it seemed like I was looking for "devness standards", it was NOT my intention, and when I started questioning my being a dev it was just an exaggeration (out of insecurity). I don't think there are, nor there should be, standards in being a dev, I was just curious because I had the feeling on this specific issue I was a minority... but it comes out I'm not after all!
I've been around here only a month or so, there's still so much I don't know about how other people live their devvyness, so I apologize if i used the wrong words to express my curiosity.

Don't feel bad LaMara. Think of this more like a round table discussion. You brought up a good point, and we all want to discuss it. That is actually a good thing- something you said got us thinking. This is by no means you standing at the front of the class and us all critiquing what you say....

[LaMara]

Thanks PretzelTwist! That was just my social anxiety striking again
Well I'm glad if I brought up something interesting!