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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 18:02:26 GMT -5
There's been a lot of talk about devs having the same responsibilities as a carer in a relationship, and that made me think a lot about my personal devvyness... From what I read around here, for most of the devs being a carer, almost a nurse, is part of what makes them devs. The idea of having a partner that is, in most circumstances, helpless, is an important ingredient of what makes a relationship with a pwd so appealing. But for me it doesn't work like that. Actually, it's almost the opposite, and I'd like to find out if I'm the only one. Because if I am, maybe I'm not properly a dev (or am I?) To me, an independent pwd that can pretty much do everything himself is the sexiest thing ever, I'd stay there and watch this hypothetic guy do stuff in his own way all day long, but the helplessness, the complete need for assistance, doesn't really push any button. Am I an exception? Sorry for the belated answer but as I was browsing the threads I found this one and it is a very interesting one to me. Just wanted to tell you are not alone because that's what my devness is all about. I wouldn't like being a carer, shame on me ! I like watching transfers, braces and crutches walking and independent wheelers. So for this reason my special attraction goes to complete or incomplete paras with low injuries. Thanks to you, I found at least an answer to many questions I am asking myself as why I am being so ashamedly selective  That being said I am happily married to an able-bodied and I fulfill my fantasies in reading and writing  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 18:25:37 GMT -5
tc123 to me there's no hierarchy at all, no medals, no competition... just the strong need to *belong* I spent so much time thinking I was alone and no one would understand this part of me, and I feel so lucky I found PD. I hope I didn't give the impression I wanted to compare myself or compete with other devs, I was just curious about how we are all different, as difference has always fascinated me. To understand myself better, I try to understand people around me, so to fully get in touch with my dev side, I try to find out as much as I can about how you lovely bunch feel  That's exactly what PD helped me to do. Understand what I am and why I feel the way I feel. For me there is no competition and no comparison between devs. Just facts, differences, testimonies and experiences. For me that's what PD is for: interacting with devs and PWD and exchange thoughts and feelings. It is not that easy being a dev and we need some support!  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 10:51:01 GMT -5
I think that personally, when I was younger and didn't quite get myself, I was all about being a carer. The sexiest thing a late friend said to me, shortly after he realized that no, really, his multiple disabilities turned me on, was "So, uh, I need a new PCA and you need a job..." A huge part of me wishes I'd actually pursued that situation, because I would have gotten to handle reality with someone I knew extremely well, loved and trusted on a different level. With much more world experience and self-awareness under my belt, while the carer factor is a HUGE part of my quads-of-all-sorts-devness, I know that I couldn't do it 24/7 (having been part-time caretaker for both parents now) and not have issues. I have too many things on my plate that require quite a bit of time, and I love these things, because they're who I am. I'm most at peace with myself when I'm out digging in the dirt, building things or working out issues around the homestead. I couldn't devote that kind of time and still feel like I was giving *myself* what I needed, emotionally and creatively. I could easily make sure I'm within earshot if problems arise, yes, and for the right person in the right situation, of course I would make those sacrifices, although hopefully temporarily. I suppose my ideal situation would be a PWD who was fine with having help from outside sources during the day, knowing that I would gladly, lovingly do all I could during the more intimate hours of the day. Nights, mornings, etc. Also, I haven't had nearly enough coffee this morning, so hopefully this hasn't been too disjointed and rambly. |
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Post by hanabanana on Mar 28, 2015 3:53:43 GMT -5
He also likes to take care of me, and that excites me quite a lot. Definitely this! My guy totally pampers me. When I don't feel well he cares for me in ways I didn't know existed. I am SO turned on by his taking care of me. I don't know how to explain it, but mutually taking care of each other is just about the sexiest thing ever. He totally had to take care of me when I visited this weekend. I unluckily got an infected wisdom tooth and was miserable but his presence and care made it much easier to bare. I'm totally in love. :3 I should be asleep trying to recover from my emergency wisdom teeth extraction but I think the vicodin they prescribed me makes me too happy and feeling too good! I'm so awake! |
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Apr 20, 2015 15:23:49 GMT -5
There's been a lot of talk about devs having the same responsibilities as a carer in a relationship, and that made me think a lot about my personal devvyness... From what I read around here, for most of the devs being a carer, almost a nurse, is part of what makes them devs. The idea of having a partner that is, in most circumstances, helpless, is an important ingredient of what makes a relationship with a pwd so appealing. But for me it doesn't work like that. Actually, it's almost the opposite, and I'd like to find out if I'm the only one. Because if I am, maybe I'm not properly a dev (or am I?) To me, an independent pwd that can pretty much do everything himself is the sexiest thing ever, I'd stay there and watch this hypothetic guy do stuff in his own way all day long, but the helplessness, the complete need for assistance, doesn't really push any button. Am I an exception? It's funny how your life circumstances can change your perspective on things. Up until I met this one guy, I was always only a para dev. I used to love the way they move and how the arms would do everything the paralyzed body parts couldn't do and how they're independent and don't need any assistance on a daily basis. The thought of a high quad with the need of daily assistance was a big no-no for me, dev-wise. Then I met this high quad, who caught my interest because of how good looking he is at first and I thought I'd give it a shot even though he doesn't have my preferred disability. We've been skypeing and talking on the phone for about a month now and are going to meet in a couple of weeks because, well, we like each other and we want to find out where this is going. Ever since I met him I have come to realize how completely different his life is compared to mine or a para's. Things that used to be a (dev) no-no for me have become normal and I even find him devy in new ways, which is really surprising to me having been focused on independent paraplegics all my life. I think I can't say if taking care of him is devvy to me yet, because we just haven't been there at this point, but because I like him so much as a person I am getting a whole new perspective on these things. Maybe in a couple of weeks I can tell you more, but for now I only know that my devness is starting to change and expand and that it has to do with this guy and his high level of injury and the dependency that comes with it. (Or maybe it's just that I really like him and I'm willing to date him "despite" of his disability? I don't know if that's something a dev would do/say?) |
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Post by Emma on Apr 20, 2015 23:09:35 GMT -5
Ooh that's so exciting servdw! I actually had the opposite experience. I don't mean to scare you but just to give you some perspective here's my story about it:
Early in my life as a dev on the internet I met a dude with CP who was pretty capable physically and I also considered super hot in terms of his looks. I had always only been interested in certain types of amputees (or guys with differently formed limbs) but figured "hey this dude is hot, let's see what happens". Long story short we had a pretty intense long distance thing for a few months. I found him devy and we talked a lot about his disability and how he had to do things differently. I love that shit. Then we met in person. I was not turned on by his disability and I was also very turned off by his lack of independence. He really misrepresented his level of independence and I was so new at being a dev that I didn't really know what types of things to ask about. The worst thing about it was that this dude could have been doing so much more but just had the mindset that he couldn't so didnt even try. That was the worst for me. So yeah, when I tried to branch out into another disability it backfired big time. I don't think this will happen to you but thought it would give you and maybe some others some stuff to think about.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Apr 21, 2015 15:13:01 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice, Emma, I appreciate it! It really is exciting! It's still more than two weeks until we meet but I'm already nervous and trying to figure out the stuff I have to know before we meet. Actually, I had read about this experience of yours on the thread about how everyone's first dev experience was. The things you brought up don't really scare or bother me, but of course they're something I have thought about before. But then again, I think they are just a few of the many things I will only be able to figure out by meeting him. |
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Post by Ciao Bella on Apr 21, 2015 23:49:27 GMT -5
Never apologize for your curiosity That is how we learn and find out things. It's been said so many times that being a dev has it's many different, complex levels and I thought I'd heard it all until I came across your post, so thank you for bringing that up. In the very early stages of my realization and acceptance of my devness, I met a quad and we tried to see where it would take us. Although he had carers to take care of the necesseties, there were a lot of things he needed help with. After a few weeks, I quickly realized that his level of SCI was too much for me to continue on to a proper relationship. Don't get me wrong, he was a really good guy, but I didn't (and still don't think) I would be up for that. Eventually met my partner who is a para, and we have made a life together...8 years on. Sure I do stuff like change lightbulbs or reaching for something stored up in the cupboards, but nothing care-related. |
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Post by tori on Apr 25, 2015 18:04:59 GMT -5
There's been a lot of talk about devs having the same responsibilities as a carer in a relationship, and that made me think a lot about my personal devvyness... From what I read around here, for most of the devs being a carer, almost a nurse, is part of what makes them devs. The idea of having a partner that is, in most circumstances, helpless, is an important ingredient of what makes a relationship with a pwd so appealing. But for me it doesn't work like that. Actually, it's almost the opposite, and I'd like to find out if I'm the only one. Because if I am, maybe I'm not properly a dev (or am I?) To me, an independent pwd that can pretty much do everything himself is the sexiest thing ever, I'd stay there and watch this hypothetic guy do stuff in his own way all day long, but the helplessness, the complete need for assistance, doesn't really push any button. Am I an exception? Sorry for the belated answer but as I was browsing the threads I found this one and it is a very interesting one to me. Just wanted to tell you are not alone because that's what my devness is all about. I wouldn't like being a carer, shame on me ! I like watching transfers, braces and crutches walking and independent wheelers. So for this reason my special attraction goes to complete or incomplete paras with low injuries. Thanks to you, I found at least an answer to many questions I am asking myself as why I am being so ashamedly selective That being said I am happily married to an able-bodied and I fulfill my fantasies in reading and writing I'll weigh in here as well, because I totally relate to the both of you. IF I was in a relationship with a PWD, I would be rather "selective" also I guess I would say (low level para's, amputee (legs/legs only) and blindness are my turn ons (although many think blind is "too disabled" whereas I disagree, but that is for another conversation). Honestly I don't have it in me at all to be a caregiver. Independence in spite of the injury is what I find unbelievably sexy. I wouldn't mind lending a helping hand now and again when needed, but full time caregiver is not something that pushes my dev buttons AT ALL. Like Frenchie though, married to AB male, so my fantasies are fulfilled by reading and writing (and the occasional role play in our bedroom behind closed doors). |
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Jan 10, 2016 11:11:34 GMT -5
Eight months into the relationship with my wheeler and one and a half months of living together have showed me: no, being a carer is definitely not part of my devness. I love the guy and I do it because it has to be done, because, yes, I enjoy it from time to time and sometimes because it's simply more practical for me to do it instead of a PCA. Plus, he says in the meantime I've even become better at the assisting tasks than the actual PCAs, teehee. But the helping itself doesn't push my dev buttons. Of course I can enjoy the physical aspects of his disability some more when I bathe him or undress him, which is a plus. But in fact, his high need of assistance is something that has an impact on the relationship. It sometimes makes me feel a bit overwhelmed but at the same time I know things need to be done, so I keep it to myself. The other day we talked about this and we'll try to handle it better, but in my case it's definitely not something I particularly need, enjoy or feel neutral about. It's somewhat difficult for me sometimes, but at the same time not as bad as I wouldn't want to do it or, even worse, end the relationship over. Most of the time I'm ok with it. Besides, I remember that when we first started dating all the helping would drive me nuts and that's gotten way better over time, so I suppose and hope it's something I'll get used to. |
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Post by anniemouse on Jan 16, 2016 2:06:38 GMT -5
Being utterly inexperienced -- I can only speculate (based on the incessant day dreaming). HOWEVER, in my wistful dreams--I don't serve as a caregiver for any extended period of time, but I do care and comfort. Easing pain is a huuuge turn on for me. When my husband was on crutches for a sprained ankle, it took every ounce of restraint to tell him how sexy he looked. All I wanted to do was snuggle up and take care of him. Is that weird?
Is it weird that I definitely DON'T want to cause pain, but I am turned on by easing pain which only happens when someone is in pain? I don't wish the pain on them, I swear!
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Post by kat on Jan 16, 2016 4:11:06 GMT -5
Is it weird that I definitely DON'T want to cause pain, but I am turned on by easing pain which only happens when someone is in pain? I don't wish the pain on them, I swear! I think this is somewhat common among devs. So, definitely not weird. |
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Jan 19, 2016 11:31:32 GMT -5
Easing pain is a huuuge turn on for me. When my husband was on crutches for a sprained ankle, it took every ounce of restraint to tell him how sexy he looked. All I wanted to do was snuggle up and take care of him. Is that weird? Is it weird that I definitely DON'T want to cause pain, but I am turned on by easing pain which only happens when someone is in pain? I don't wish the pain on them, I swear! This is very interesting. My boyfriend is pretty much always cold due to SCI. I love snuggling up to him to warm him up and I'm always very comforting and cuddly when I do so. I love it and I love the fact that I'm "easing his pain", too. I had never really given this much thought, much less linked it to my devness or felt devy about it. Apparently to me it's not so easy to define whether something is devy or I simply enjoy doing it, as this is not the first time I realize something could be devy instead of just girlfriend-y while reading through posts here on PD. |
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Post by lucretia on Jan 19, 2016 19:07:43 GMT -5
Easing pain is a huuuge turn on for me. When my husband was on crutches for a sprained ankle, it took every ounce of restraint to tell him how sexy he looked. All I wanted to do was snuggle up and take care of him. Is that weird? Is it weird that I definitely DON'T want to cause pain, but I am turned on by easing pain which only happens when someone is in pain? I don't wish the pain on them, I swear! This is very interesting. My boyfriend is pretty much always cold due to SCI. I love snuggling up to him to warm him up and I'm always very comforting and cuddly when I do so. I love it and I love the fact that I'm "easing his pain", too. I had never really given this much thought, much less linked it to my devness or felt devy about it. Apparently to me it's not so easy to define whether something is devy or I simply enjoy doing it, as this is not the first time I realize something could be devy instead of just girlfriend-y while reading through posts here on PD. For me, I think it's more "wifely" than devy, because the dev in me is NOT tweaked by caretaking. However, the wife in me likes to pamper my husband... My kids joke around that I'm nicer to them when they're sick, too. It's just who I am. On the other hand, the fact that my hubby is a wheeler makes caretaking more fun... But then it makes most things more fun. I've been married before, twice. The longest previous marriage was 15 years. And so I do know that being in a close relationship does call for those times of care giving. And the desire to do more for a sick, cold, sad, whatever partner to give them comfort is just another way to show affection. It's not, to me, an indicator of devness. |
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Post by anniemouse on Jan 19, 2016 23:23:07 GMT -5
... the desire to do more for a sick, cold, sad, whatever partner to give them comfort is just another way to show affection. It's not, to me, an indicator of devness. Interesting! I guess I associate it with my dev-ness because the comforting is the thing that I always daydream about. It isn't the prospect of day-to-day interactions or sex or grand romantic gestures, it's the comforting (and opportunities which might require comforting) that get my mind a-dreamin'. It's always been like that...since childhood. I suppose I never grew out of the florence nightingale/rescuer phase. |
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That being said I am happily married to an able-bodied and I fulfill my fantasies in reading and writing 
