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Post by problemlover on Apr 3, 2008 12:30:54 GMT -5
Do you consider that you avoid commitment more post SCI? Just wondering what the guys here had to say.
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Post by Sova on Apr 3, 2008 16:21:38 GMT -5
Is there any answer I can give that won't incriminate me? LOL For me it's hard to say. I was only 13 when I had my accident so I wasn't really thinking about commitment that much at the time. But now my thoughts on commitment change like the weather. Some days I feel like I wanna pimp it till I'm 40... other days till I'm 80. It's a tough one lol.
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Post by woody63 on Apr 4, 2008 0:44:08 GMT -5
i kind of do but then i kind of dont sometimes i like being single
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Post by matisse on Apr 4, 2008 1:13:55 GMT -5
Hasn't changed for me. I always wanted marriage and family, I love a full house and the noisy-ness of kids. The wife needs to be reminded to not forget to play with the balls, but in talking with my buddies thzat's not just a wheeler thing.................
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Post by Triassic on Apr 4, 2008 4:25:25 GMT -5
this is a good question. it's something i've given a fair amount of thought to.
in a way, i've always been the opposite of matisse-NEVER seeing myself as a husband and father. but 15 or even 10 years ago i was thinking in terms of a pretty conventional boyfriend/girlfriend situation. that's what i wanted.
but i had such poor luck in manifesting it(yes to some degree as a result of inexperience and my innate doofiness)...that it's just like...you can't keep going forever on nothing. now i don't see any way i could ever seriously 'fall in love' with anyone. things have just gone too far for that.
but that doesn't rule out some kind of friendly, affectionate, respectful situation. that'd be cool. the term 'consort' is one that is rarely used outside of the context of sexual yoga practice...but it's a good word, i think. a consort is a sexual partner who is definately not as closely bonded as a wife or serious girlfriend, yet is rather more than just a 'friend with benefits'. it also implies-for want of a bettr term-some kind of spiritual connection.
that's what i'd like at this point, i think,...
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Post by mrjefffurz on Apr 5, 2008 15:28:21 GMT -5
i think commitment avoids me,,,, ;D
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Post by Pony on Apr 5, 2008 16:39:38 GMT -5
This is a REALLY good Q!! In the first years after my SCI, I had a few nice g/fs that I got very involved with, but I was either too immature, or there was a part of me scared to 'commit' too far. Probably a combination of both! I knew a life with me would be complicated, and I was merely surviving at that time - not striving for financial security, or much else! That all came later, but I never saw the girls I got involved with going the long haul. Matter of fact, like an idiot, I broke up with a great girl, introduced her to my (goodlookin) buddy after the break, which was ugly, lots of tears, and they got MARRIED - still together, had a few kids!! I grew up seeing no relationships ever work, so maybe I was programmed for defeat, but I cured that as I've gotten older. My last g/f we both wanted the 'married' status, and I surprised myself at how much I wanted it, but it's a long story, but it was doomed. However, we're still friends with a lot of care for each other.
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Post by BA on Apr 5, 2008 20:31:58 GMT -5
now i don't see any way i could ever seriously 'fall in love' with anyone. things have just gone too far for that. . Tri, in what way have things "gone too far"? What does seriously 'fall in love' mean to you (or too anyone out there, for that matter)?
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Post by Triassic on Apr 5, 2008 23:17:59 GMT -5
it's hard to describe, AB. maybe it's the kind of thing where if you don't experience it by a certain age, it burns out.
incidentally, i believe true love, romantic love does exist. it's rare, but it's real. so i'm not a cynic in that sense.
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Post by skookum on Apr 6, 2008 3:50:23 GMT -5
I don't think that I have ever avoided commitment because of SCI but there was a time where it wasn't what I wanted mainly because of my age and because I was too busy doing all sorts of crazy things like realizing myself (or at least that was what I called it - the excuse for living the life I lived)
But presently I am getting ready for serious commitment if I ever will find the one to do that sort of thing with, it would be nice to settle down and find the peace and quiet that it entails. Who knows if that ever happens, though.
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Post by cunning69guy on Apr 6, 2008 11:58:39 GMT -5
AB,
As said before, good question. Before my SCI, I was a "serial co-habitationer", mainly because although I could personality-wise be described as co-dependent (I was a very independent free spirit, I just needed someone to "nag" me about getting projects done, and of course needed the security of knowing there was a warm body waiting at home in bed while I was off with the boys doing our "manly" things, including the post-event male-bonding over beers), the more important reason was I didn't believe in divorce, so there was the issue of living together long enough (at least 5 years) before even considering the option, and of course, children, which only became an issue as I approached 30.
Now, post-SCI, I don't really expect to find a co-habitational relationship, because I can't stand the schedule, hassles, logistics, etc. of my life itself, never mind wishing to impose them on someone else. I'm not against the idea of course, but again, I'm looking at it from a non-emotional standpoint. Yes, I do want that partner still, kids as well, though raising them from the chair would be extremely different (I've raised other people's kids while living with them pre-SCI), and the whole marriage question again leads to a commitment of time issue before even thinking of taking that leap, never mind the financial and insurance issues which favor co-habitation.
And the more time passes, the more set in my single ways I become which is not going to help in establishing a committed relationship.
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Post by BA on Apr 6, 2008 13:28:32 GMT -5
AB, Now, post-SCI, I don't really expect to find a co-habitational relationship, because I can't stand the schedule, hassles, logistics, etc. of my life itself, never mind wishing to impose them on someone else. I'm not against the idea of course, but again, I'm looking at it from a non-emotional standpoint. Yes, I do want that partner still, kids as well, though raising them from the chair would be extremely different (I've raised other people's kids while living with them pre-SCI), and the whole marriage question again leads to a commitment of time issue before even thinking of taking that leap, never mind the financial and insurance issues which favor co-habitation. And the more time passes, the more set in my single ways I become which is not going to help in establishing a committed relationship. In a nutshell, you have summed up why I have found it so difficult to meet and sustain any type of long-term relationship with a disability, and ended up being with an non-disabled guy in the end. Finding a guy with a disabilty (SCI or not) who is a 100% contributor to the whole family/kids agenda is nearly impossible. Those who have been single for many years, seem to be even quite 'set in their ways' to have to live for anyone else for any period of time. This is what happens when you raise children, you do live "for" someone else. Any aspect of selfishness (such as sleeping late, going out when you want too, taking a nap) goes right out the window! I could have cared less whether I were married or just co-habitating. Co-habitation for me is actually preferable, since I do have my own very decent job benefits. The fact of the matter is that I do have a young child, I do work full-time and I do run a household. I would have loved to find a wheeler who was capable of wanting this type of situation to work, which it certainly can as Jason has admirably proven! Alas, from most of your posts (well, amongst the maturer set) such as Triassic, Tony and yourself, most of you still aren't sure of what you are actually looking for in a female human being that would qualify for a serious long term relationship. You'd think there'd be a wheeler for every dev. However, the challenges become almost insurmountable when you factor in anything that smacks of real responsibilty. You can all blast me now for this post. I just really needed to vent why I am NOT with a wheeler and why I find it frustrating that you guys are OUT THERE - but NOT THERE at the same time.
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Post by matisse on Apr 6, 2008 13:39:31 GMT -5
Finding a guy with a disabilty (SCI or not) who is a 100% contributor to the whole family/kids agenda is nearly impossible. Hey, not blasting you, just wondering what you mean by this. Raising kids has many physical components that a wheeler can't do (like carrying a kid to their room for a time-out).....
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Post by charlene on Apr 6, 2008 13:44:57 GMT -5
Finding a guy with a disabilty (SCI or not) who is a 100% contributor to the whole family/kids agenda is nearly impossible. Those who have been single for many years, seem to be even quite 'set in their ways' to have to live for anyone else for any period of time. That's so true. I met wheelers who live life for their disability. While most of the wheeler guys really want a girl (even most of the guys on this site), I'm not sure whether a serious longterm relationship would work out. Of course, there are exceptions... But I have the feeling that some guys are eaten up by their disability... Keeping them from really fully committing to somebody...
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Post by BA on Apr 6, 2008 14:11:28 GMT -5
Finding a guy with a disabilty (SCI or not) who is a 100% contributor to the whole family/kids agenda is nearly impossible. Hey, not blasting you, just wondering what you mean by this. Raising kids has many physical components that a wheeler can't do (like carrying a kid to their room for a time-out)..... Of course there are issues that require compromise. I am talking about guys who couldn't even possibly consider a child a part of their agenda in life. You have made it work in your life. Obviously, your family is something very important to you. I think what I am talking about is what I perceive as excessive self-absorbtion amongst a large percentage of wheelers. Remember, this is my perception, from my experience, not a statement of fact!
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