Devs only: What are your dev struggles lately?

[lucretia]

My recent dev struggles aren't really exclusively dev related, but there is a connection.

I'm going through what feels like a second midlife crisis. lol In the last year I've made a ton of changes: new job, new apartment, new cat... and my relationship isn't really keeping up. And I've lost a lot of my devness. I've been joking that I'm "cured". I don't get that extra sense of awareness I used to around wheelers, and where I work I see a lot of them. Ironically, probably every wheeler I had ever seen out and about in my area, guys I would actually "hope" to see, I now see fairly regularly. And there's nothing there.

I can't remember the last time I felt that dev tingle.

And, like some have mentioned, I find myself digging up my old fantasy reel for, well, fantasies.

But obviously, I'm still a dev. Because I still want to talk about it. I still want the company of others who get it.

And while I really think I could walk away from everything dev related and not miss it, I also realized I don't want to.

[blueskye101]

Jul 29, 2017 14:02:23 GMT -5 lucretia said:

My recent dev struggles aren't really exclusively dev related, but there is a connection.

I'm going through what feels like a second midlife crisis. lol In the last year I've made a ton of changes: new job, new apartment, new cat... and my relationship isn't really keeping up. And I've lost a lot of my devness. I've been joking that I'm "cured". I don't get that extra sense of awareness I used to around wheelers, and where I work I see a lot of them. Ironically, probably every wheeler I had ever seen out and about in my area, guys I would actually "hope" to see, I now see fairly regularly. And there's nothing there.

I can't remember the last time I felt that dev tingle.

And, like some have mentioned, I find myself digging up my old fantasy reel for, well, fantasies.

But obviously, I'm still a dev. Because I still want to talk about it. I still want the company of others who get it.

And while I really think I could walk away from everything dev related and not miss it, I also realized I don't want to.

Do you feel that being in a long term relationship with a pwd has contributed to this feeling of squashing the dev? I totally get the end midlife crisis thing. I'm 62 and might be starting the 3rd

Also really glad to see you back here

[lucretia]

I think it depends on the relationship. Alf has serious health issues, so it seems like there's always something. No time to just "be". Plus he's angry when he's unwell, so that adds another layer.

I know, for sure, that being with a PWD does take the novelty away. But when I was able to just hang out with him, not even talking about sex, I would still feel that dev pull in addition to my love and attraction.

But for the past few years, his body has become less and less accessible to me as a result of his illness. We can't be skin to skin, I have to be aware of tubing, I have to be wary when he gets a sore...

And that's when I get to see him. Which is also less and less.

As his illness progresses, he's stopped talking about it. He actually banned me from talking about it.

He stopped talking about dev/dis stuff years ago.

So, yes, my long-term relationship has definitely diminished my devness. But our relationship isn't typical, for sure.

I've been reading some older posts because they've been revived, and I can definitely agree with things that have been said regarding communication, personality changes, etc.

I think some disabilities are inherently less impactful on a relationship than others. Disabilities that are progressive, or increase risk of illness or complication, or those that require more hands on assistance, are very hard on relationships. I've read it here and seen it first hand.

In other news, I have mixed feelings about coming back. Alf is not a fan of my participation (how's that for irony). I get discouraged here because it did get super old trying to explain the same things over and over. I am hot-headed and am quick to jump into an argument, or to someone's defense.

On the other hand, as I find myself becoming a smaller and smaller part of Alf's life (at least the one he lives most of the time in Europe), I've started reaching back to friendships I've let down, and hobbies I've ignored. Being with a sick guy takes up a great deal of emotional real estate.

This place is where I found myself as a dev. Yes, I've been hurt, and I've hurt others. I've been here for 12 years, feathers have been ruffled. And yet, some of the best times of my life have been a direct result of this crazy website.

So thanks for the welcome back blueskye101 . I really appreciate it.

[Emma]

Wow Lu, I'm sorry to hear about whats happening in your life. I'm glad there is some good stuff but sad for you that there are some negatives in terms of you and Alf. Best wishes.

[Inkdevil]

I can kind of understand what you mean lucretia. The longer I'm in a relationship with a PWD, the less devvy I feel. Just in general. It frustrates me, because I can't enjoy the dev 'high' feeling anymore. That dies so quickly. In a way it's reassuring because I then feel like a normal woman in a normal relationship, but on the other hand I want that amazing feeling that being in the first proper relationship with a wheeler can give me.

I guess it's like a drug addiction for me. I'm constantly searching for that euphoric high I had once, but never quite finding it again. I struggle to even remember I'm a dev sometimes. What was once amazing and awesomely devvy to me is now normal and unnoticed. But as soon as I distance myself from that person, I feel the dev need return.

I know I would crave the dev/wheeler relationship dynamic if I wasn't in the midst of it, but I have to work so hard at noticing all the everyday detail I used to swoon over, it almost negates the effort required to stay part of it. Is this just a normal progression??

[kat]

Jul 31, 2017 15:48:00 GMT -5 Inkdevil said:

The longer I'm in a relationship with a PWD, the less devvy I feel. Just in general. It frustrates me, because I can't enjoy the dev 'high' feeling anymore. That dies so quickly. In a way it's reassuring because I then feel like a normal woman in a normal relationship, but on the other hand I want that amazing feeling that being in the first proper relationship with a wheeler can give me.

I guess it's like a drug addiction for me. I'm constantly searching for that euphoric high I had once, but never quite finding it again. I struggle to even remember I'm a dev sometimes. What was once amazing and awesomely devvy to me is now normal and unnoticed. But as soon as I distance myself from that person, I feel the dev need return.

I know I would crave the dev/wheeler relationship dynamic if I wasn't in the midst of it, but I have to work so hard at noticing all the everyday detail I used to swoon over, it almost negates the effort required to stay part of it. Is this just a normal progression??

Maybe I'm wrong, but isn't this something that happens in all relationships? I don't think the 'high' of that initial spark, magic, and excitement is enduring in any relationship (or if it is, it's a rarity). I can't really imagine devs being special in this regard, except for the fact that the things that excite us are different.

[mona]

Inkdevil, I agree with kat : The hormon rush fades out after a while and something else has to take over. A deeper connection. I guess it is the normal progress. And yeah, love is in general hard work 😵.
But I am wondering whether devness is often condemned to remain a fascination from the distance, a sweet desire. As soon as we are actually living it, it becomes banal. Do you know what I mean?

[Inkdevil]

I do know what you mean mona. Even in my early days of being with my very first disabled man, the reality of it was never as amazing as I thought it would be. Certainly in terms of how much I was 'turned on' in the moment. Which I found bizarre. I think I'd spent so many years hyping it all up in my imagination, the reality could never measure up.

However, the everyday living stuff continues to satisfy my dev requirements, but on a par with being drip-fed. No great buzz, more a sub-conscious ticking of all my boxes. That's why I miss it when I'm not with someone, because suddenly I'm not getting what I need anymore, I suppose.

@kat, you are right too, but I think it's more that my initial relationship high has worn off with being a dev, rather than with an individual person. That's what I miss. But it's also something I don't think my brain could sustain forever, plus I would feel like a complete weirdo if being with a PWD made me constantly feel that way. I want it to be normal. Just differently normal? Idk...

[lucretia]

Aug 1, 2017 1:59:33 GMT -5 mona said:

But I am wondering whether devness is often condemned to remain a fascination from the distance, a sweet desire. As soon as we are actually living it, it becomes banal. Do you know what I mean?

I like the way you put this.

[mona]

Thanks, lucretia!

[newjess]

Personally I think for me it's more along the lines of what kat described. Perhaps the original rush of it ALL (including the dev stuff) subsides after some time, but I would say comparatively my dev attraction remains much stronger than my attraction did when I was in AB relationships, even after the initial relationship high has subsided. Of course I can't speak for what it is like after years together since I haven't gotten t that point yet in a relationship with a PWD lol.

Though if I compare the extreme dev attraction before coming to terms with it all, finding PD, dating PWDs, etc... Then yeah it's not as extreme because then it was coveted and fantastical and now it's just normal life.

However dev lows and highs can be frustrating for sure. It's like I miss it so much when it's low and when it's high it can either be great or just waaay too over encompassing to the point it's uncomfortable. 

That's just me though... It's interesting how differently it can manifest for all of us.

[mona]

Oh, tc123 it is so wonderful to read that...

[AlrightyAphrodite]

I ran across this and I feel like it's a good analogy for how I relate to my devness.

"Your addiction is obstructing you from your destiny, and yet it’s also your ally. What?! How can both be true?

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On the downside, your addiction diverts your energy from a deeper desire that it superficially resembles. For instance, if you’re an alcoholic, your urge to get loaded may be an inferior substitute for and a poor imitation of your buried longing to commune with spirit.

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On the upside, your addiction is your ally, because it dares you to get strong and smart enough to wrestle free of its grip; it pushes you to summon the uncanny willpower necessary to defeat the darkness within you that saps your ability to follow the path with heart.

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(P.S. Don’t tell me you have no addictions. Each of us is addicted to some sensation, feeling, thought, or action, if not to an actual substance.)"

.
.

[devorah]

Mar 3, 2017 6:45:04 GMT -5 kat said:

The boards have been a bit PWD-dominated lately, as well as being very quiet, so I thought it might be nice to try and get some more dev discussion going.

So, as the title says: What are your dev struggles lately? What dev-related problems, whether very lighthearted or serious, have you encountered? Has being a dev just been a nice, quiet background thing, or a more all-encompassing feature?

Well, today is my one-month anniversary of being here at PD, and I have to say that it's been an incredibly enlightening experience.  But it's kind of made my dev 'loud', if that makes any sense.  Like before I just had this very twisted, very private, very quiet thing that I indulged without any fanfare, and fantasized about constantly, but nobody knew.  Now that I've become a member here, people KNOW.  People I don't know very well KNOW.  People coming in as guests and anonymous lurkers KNOW.  But the flip side of that are the people who are here and know and are WITH me, which is dumbfounding.  And it feels so strange, because they're talking openly, completely unashamed and... well, LOUD.  It's loud, here.  I'm not used to that!  It's good, but kind of frightening, at the same time.

Being here has really brought a lot of things to light, though.  Mostly the fact that 'there is nothing new under the sun'... that regardless of whether the man is a PWD or not, they still respond and posture and snark exactly the same ways as any other guy.  And in some cases, far more - I'm not sure if it's because they feel they need to prove something, or not.  But it's been interesting, so far.  I'm not sure what's *real* and what's just for show, though.  It's possible to hide a lot behind a computer screen, after all!  The few PWDs that I've ever known came off as insecure, so this is a complete departure from what I assumed.  Not sure what to make of it all, yet.

I struggle with opening up because I'm afraid of the 'show' of it all, somewhat.  It's bigger than I live.  Do you know what I mean?  I mean, there are people who are exhibitionists, who angst and need and pine for things, and then there are people who live smaller and seek contentment.  Who live lives that just don't *need* to be so big.  And you have to laugh at that, because I wouldn't BE here if I was really, honestly quiet and content, now would I?  I kind of look at the gals here as challenging me - to be a little more honest, starting with myself.

My biggest struggle, though is being in a relationship with an AB man.  I love him.  I look at him and think, 'This is where I'm supposed to be'.  But then there's this whole other, quieter side of me that is constantly, incessantly, whole-heartedly wrapped up in creating fantasies about PWD and yearning for something completely different from where I am.  I struggle with whether this is a 'grass is greener' thing, and I'm being ridiculous, or if it's actually where I'm supposed to be, but I've become adept at pushing it down... or maybe it's a 'sin' (raised religious) of some sort that I'm being 'tempted' by, and that in indulging my dev, I'm showing weakness?  I haven't gotten to the place where I've worked that out, yet.

But having joined PD certainly has brought a lot of thoughts about it up to the surface.

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2017 11:59:20 GMT -5 devorah said:

Mar 3, 2017 6:45:04 GMT -5 kat said:

The boards have been a bit PWD-dominated lately, as well as being very quiet, so I thought it might be nice to try and get some more dev discussion going.

So, as the title says: What are your dev struggles lately? What dev-related problems, whether very lighthearted or serious, have you encountered? Has being a dev just been a nice, quiet background thing, or a more all-encompassing feature?

to be a little more honest, starting with myself.

My biggest struggle, though is being in a relationship with an AB man.  I love him.  I look at him and think, 'This is where I'm supposed to be'.  But then there's this whole other, quieter side of me that is constantly, incessantly, whole-heartedly wrapped up in creating fantasies about PWD and yearning for something completely different from where I am.  I struggle with whether this is a 'grass is greener' thing, and I'm being ridiculous, or if it's actually where I'm supposed to be, but I've become adept at pushing it down... or maybe it's a 'sin' (raised religious) of some sort that I'm being 'tempted' by, and that in indulging my dev, I'm showing weakness?  I haven't gotten to the place where I've worked that out, yet.

But having joined PD certainly has brought a lot of thoughts about it up to the surface.

Biggest struggle ever....and mine has been going on for a few years and I have been on the verge of breaking under it, actually going through something right now once again, stronger than ever before. Close to losing it. Trying to figure out how to cope and have been for years. I totally get what you're saying though...even the religious part...it sucks.