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Post by elbs on Aug 7, 2017 16:08:00 GMT -5
As a disabled person who is also kinda devotee, my biggest struggle at the moment is feeling like my sexuality makes me unwelcome in my own community.
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Post by lucretia on Aug 7, 2017 19:24:48 GMT -5
PD has a way of illuminating our lives in unexpected ways.
PD killed my already dying second marriage. All the hidden things in my life started to claw their way into the light.
But I was here for six years as a vocal dev, but rarely having any interaction via pm's, let alone IRL.
But, as my inner life and my outer life became more aligned, my outer life grew. I was part of a different message board for something completely unrelated, and ended up traveling to events to both do volunteer work and meet other members.
As my confidence grew, and my experiences expanded, I became more personally active here.
Now I'm married to a PWD I met here.
I've made friends all over the world, and have traveled to meet many of them. I went to Italy with the guy I ended up marrying and met up with an Italian dev and a California PWD. LOL
But, for all the positives, there are trade-offs. You do lose anonymity when you meet people IRL. You expose yourself to fakers and pretenders. Most of us old-timers have been catfished a time or two.
Delving into the cavern of snakes that many of us keep in our heads regarding disability and attraction can be terrifying.
I always advise new people to jump into participating in threads that interest then, but take it VERY SLOW regarding personal interaction.
If you give out personal information, you can't take it back. And not everyone here (just like anyplace on the internet) has your best interests at heart. We have trolls. We have lurkers who badger new people in pm's. Just be cautious.
Also, please know you can report anything to the mods, even private messages.
Finally, again, have fun.
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tambourine
New Member
roaming
Posts: 36 
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by tambourine on Aug 9, 2017 6:29:11 GMT -5
My biggest complaint is that, as I've gotten older, my devness has become more narrow. I used to get turned on by all sorts of wheelers, but now, only very specific disabilities do it for me. As if it wasn't hard enough finding a guy as a dev.
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devorah
New Member
no longer active
Posts: 33
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by devorah on Aug 9, 2017 6:40:08 GMT -5
On the husband part, the only thing I can say is - you are probably where you are meant to be. The disability/dev factor can be SO strong, especially early on, and I think it can definitely cloud your vision. Just keep reminding yourself about the greenness of your grass and know that reality rarely lives up to the fantasy. The loudness does quiet down after awhile. I'm glad you're sharing more with us. It's a journey! The 'journey' part of this is the bit that drives me a little crazy. I need to know WHY. Why would I be given this intense draw to people who are physically different, would I spend so much of my life coming nose to nose with disability - being almost 'thrust upon it'! - if this is where I'm supposed to be, presently? (Which, yes. This is the right spot at this time.) But then WHY? Is it because sometime in the future my partner will have an accident or stroke or come down with MS or something? Is it because he's going to pass away and my dev is there for someone else, to come? (Considering my age/circumstances, I have a hard time believing that one.) How do you ladies who are with AB partners answer this question? Or do you just leave it to the hand of fate and secretly delve via fantasy in order to 'satisfy that part of you in the meantime, assuming that there's supposed to be this whole other vein of need that will someday be satisfied, and that's okay? Mostly up until now I've suppressed everything under the 'something's wrong and nobody can know' lid. But the truth is, it's *not* a sin - I know, because I can out-quote any preacher you toss in my direction, and have been up one side and down the other with scripture. It's not there. Nothing about this is there, excepting for a vague reference to steering clear of 'vain imaginations' - which has just torn me in two for YEARS, guilting me for my fantasies. (I considered that my sin - allowing myself the 'vain imaginations' - and believe you me, I've done more repenting for it!) Over time, though, I came to the conclusion that that's a vague reference open to a thousand different interpretations, and that it was ridiculous, applying it to this. Having said, it leaves my question unanswered, and I have a hard time accepting that. |
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Post by tori on Aug 9, 2017 13:56:22 GMT -5
How do you ladies who are with AB partners answer this question? Or do you just leave it to the hand of fate and secretly delve via fantasy in order to 'satisfy that part of you in the meantime, assuming that there's supposed to be this whole other vein of need that will someday be satisfied, and that's okay? I don't try to break it down as to WHY I ended up with an AB male, or why I am the way that I am. I think had I been comfortable with my devness BEFORE I met him, maybe things would be different. The thing is, I don't want them to be. I couldn't see myself with anyone else. He's my best friend. I tell him everything. Even about my devness. Honestly coming from a religious background myself I felt it was more of a *sin* to keep this part of me hidden from my husband. There was this HUGE part of myself that I was keeping secret and hidden from him. We could get in a huge biblical debate on this and how lust of the mind plays into faithfulness in marriage, but that's a whole other discussion probably not best for this board. Anyhow, I felt that my lie of omission was this HUGE thing weighing on my conscience and I couldn't bear to hold it in anymore. NOT trying to judge you and your decisions please understand, I'm just giving you MY personal feelings and experience. I'm not in your shoes and some husbands could really react negatively to this. Thankfully, my husband did not. He had a LOT of questions that I answered over time as I became more comfortable talking about it. I know it doesn't go like that for all ladies when they "out" themselves to an AB partner. So, to get back to the question HOW do I satisfy this side of me? I write stories, my husband and I play in our bedroom, we watch movies, we talk. He listens to my fantasies and I listen to his. We do everything we can to satisfy each others physical and emotional needs. |
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devorah
New Member
no longer active
Posts: 33
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by devorah on Aug 10, 2017 7:15:49 GMT -5
Anyhow, I felt that my lie of omission was this HUGE thing weighing on my conscience and I couldn't bear to hold it in anymore. NOT trying to judge you and your decisions please understand, I'm just giving you MY personal feelings and experience. I'm not in your shoes and some husbands could really react negatively to this. Thankfully, my husband did not. He had a LOT of questions that I answered over time as I became more comfortable talking about it. I know it doesn't go like that for all ladies when they "out" themselves to an AB partner. So, to get back to the question HOW do I satisfy this side of me? I write stories, my husband and I play in our bedroom, we watch movies, we talk. He listens to my fantasies and I listen to his. We do everything we can to satisfy each others physical and emotional needs. It certainly doesn't go like that for many people. I'd gotten close to telling him, once... but because of the way things were going, it had to be shut down. That was some time ago - and then these past weeks I'd been reading here how people play out 'fantasies' with their spouses, so I thought I'd at least broach that subject with him, to see how far I could get him to open up. (He mostly doesn't, and I was nervous, so I asked what HE'D find fun and interesting to try.) He said, "I don't really need fantasy, we're good." And that was the end of the conversation. Which for him, actually, is a lot. Be glad that you have someone who hears you, on this. You're blessed, Tori. So blessed. ♥ ♥♥ ♥ |
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Post by devogirl on Aug 10, 2017 8:56:37 GMT -5
I need to know WHY. Why would I be given this intense draw to people who are physically different, would I spend so much of my life coming nose to nose with disability - being almost 'thrust upon it'! - if this is where I'm supposed to be, presently? (Which, yes. This is the right spot at this time.) But then WHY? Is it because sometime in the future my partner will have an accident or stroke or come down with MS or something? Is it because he's going to pass away and my dev is there for someone else, to come? (Considering my age/circumstances, I have a hard time believing that one.) How do you ladies who are with AB partners answer this question? Or do you just leave it to the hand of fate and secretly delve via fantasy in order to 'satisfy that part of you in the meantime, assuming that there's supposed to be this whole other vein of need that will someday be satisfied, and that's okay? I'm not at all religious so maybe my answer won't satisfy you, but really there is no such thing as fate. Things happen at random, that's all. I found it very freeing to give up trying to answer why we find disability sexy. We actually know very little about sexual desire in people in general. We certainly don't know why some people are gay, so understanding much less common desires is even more of a question mark. Devotees are not some shameful aberration. We're just a less common part of poorly understood human sexuality. When I was in my early 20s and still in the closet, I felt very strongly every coincidence related to myself and disabilities I found attractive. This feeling was so strong, I often felt like the universe was a giant magnifying glass pointed right at me. Like I was somehow fated to be with this one particular guy. But it's not and I wasn't. It took me a long time to let go of that feeling, because feeling guilty, ashamed, marked, and special are all wrapped up together. I was very romantically attached to the idea of myself as tragically special, but it was all just narcissistic posturing. Once I gave up the idea of myself as uniquely special, fated, cursed, I was much much happier. It really doesn't matter why we have these feelings. The less you obsess over it and just let it be, the less it feels like these desires are controlling you or intruding in unwelcome ways. In my own case, I married an AB man after many many relationships with PWDs, enough to realize that physical attraction alone is not sufficient basis for a marriage. I have no regrets at all for marrying a man who is a great partner. I told him when we were still dating and he was totally fine with it. I'm not the only one, there are many devs here married to AB men who are out to their husbands. |
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Post by lucretia on Aug 23, 2017 8:59:19 GMT -5
I've been restless. I miss casual sex and emotional flings. Sex with my SO (he is AB) is honestly the best I've had in a long term relationship. But, the concept of exclusivity has always been one that I found challenging. Don't get me wrong, the strength and reliability of the family unit is something that I have absolute respect for. But I don't particularly feel that needs to be threatened by little things like flings and one-off encounters. Everybody goes through this, this vague panic that they're missing out even though they have confidence that they've chosen correctly. But, I can't help but think that devs experience it more acutely. My SO is gorgeous and I could look at him for days... but it's just a different feeling when I indulge my dev side alone with my laptop. Actually, a weird dev thing happened the other day. If anyone is still reading (after making it through the supremely inane paragraphs above,) let me know if this sounds like anything you've experienced: I have a queer friend who came to visit recently. He and I go way back, in fact, I'm the first person he came out to, 13 years ago. He's had a rough time of things, and he's got some serious sexual repression. But, there we were, having a cup of tea and talking about the fairly disastrous series of events that had recently taken place between him and his sort-of-boyfriend.... and he said he wanted to have sex with me. Somehow that tickled my dev fancies. I don't know what it was, but something about that moment made me feel something that previously hasn't been affected by an AB person. Maybe it's got something to do with how repressed he is, which could tie in to my fantasies of enabling a PWD's exploration of their sexuality. Or, maybe I've drifted so heavily into my devness that I can only associate a spike in sexual attraction with dev attraction. As mentioned previously, sex with my partner is great, but I've sort of.... reclassified it as a romantic/bonding activity. I've had gay guy friends say they would have sex with me. Probably because I have genuinely felt like a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Laugh, but I'm serious. Anyway, I have been supremely attracted to gay men and have seriously considered taking them up on it... But I know that if it had happened it would make our friendship awkward. Not that I haven't kissed or danced with or played heavy with my gay friends... But it was always super light-hearted. But the attraction was real, and very similar to dev feelings toward PWD. |
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Post by PretzelTwist on Dec 31, 2017 15:42:01 GMT -5
Re: Shame/embarrassment as a dev
I know this topic runs rampant throughout the boards and it doesn't make sense for me to make a whole new thread so this one seems to make as much sense as any other.
I'd known about about PD years before I joined and it still took a lot of gusto just to post an intro, an intro which sounded like a lot of other intros that might have taken equal amounts of gusto to post. Idk though. I still can't get over loathing myself for being a dev. Too much shame brought on myself to myself especially since no one else in my real life knows that I am one. I'd literally be mortified if anyone found out. I'm super concerned with being judged by other people - it's a character flaw - so that just exacerbates the whole thing. It's like going in circles and all these topics have been touched on in some capacity I'm sure, but like no, I'm not into people suffering and would totally lend a hand to make sure that suffering was limited in a reasonable capacity; no I'm not trying to take care of anyone - like I already got 2 kids. I want someone to take care of me and it just so happens if he happened to be a pwd that would make it all the better. I think for a grand majority of us, we obvs need a connection in order to make any kind of relationship worthwhile so it's not like any pwd can go by and it's instant attraction. Physical attraction also plays a part in the equation - like do I think they're attractive?
I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting at here. I'm frustrated that I've lived this long knowing about these feelings yet have still not accepted who I am and have never given myself a break from the shame bit of the whole thing. Part of it probably stems from media portraying pwd as Non sexual people, which is shit, and also the fact that the majority of ppl show pity towards pwd. Like, shouldn't I feel bad too? Idk. It just feels so wrong. I'd like to stop fantasizing about a relationship with a pwd....but I know i won't cuz I've never been able to control it before so I doubt I'll be able to stop myself now.
I'm sorry this is long and just a lot of word vom but I needed to word vom somewhere I guess. It's been a long time coming pent up frustration waiting to come out. Some folks were talking about lulls in devness or spikes even. For me, it's just always there. I try so hard to ignore it. But i can't. Also sorry for the recurrent topics...im nervous about posting a new thread or commenting the wrong thing on an existing thread - prob goes along with my fear of other people's judgement.
If you made it this far, xo.
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Post by tori on Dec 31, 2017 17:24:00 GMT -5
Maybe try to go outside of your comfort zone and find a real life friend that you can share this part of you with. I think you’ll realize that most of our real life people will NOT think it’s nearly as wrong/bad/crazy as you have built up in your mind. And if they don’t think it’s a big deal, it might lessen your own fears about it. The first few friends I told were gay, and that actually made it a little easier for me knowing that they’ve also struggled some with outing a part of themselves as well, and I always supported them, why wouldn’t they do the same for me? I don’t tell them EVERYTHING, lol. There’s only so much I feel comfortable sharing with non-Devs. I hope you come to a better place, maybe it can be your 2018 goal  This hits the nail on the head. When I finally outed myself to my AB husband, my oldest (adult) daughter, and my sister in law they were all like "that's it?" It really wasn't as much of a big deal as I'd built it up to in my head. |
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Post by PretzelTwist on Dec 31, 2017 17:31:13 GMT -5
PretzelTwist, I’m glad you posted, and it’s not word vom.  I’m sure many of us can relate to this at least in one way. I don’t really have any great words of advice for you, but for me, talking to a pwd who I met here shortly after I joined here really helped me to see this all much differently than I had been seeing it before. The more I would say how it was wrong to find these things attractive, the more I realized how crazy insulting it is to think that way. Why shouldn’t I find a man attractive who IS attractive in many ways, including the disabled parts? We’ve all said over and over again that it’s the whole person that we would want to be in a relationship with, so the disability is part of the whole person. When it comes to fantasy, just know that real life is much different than fantasy, and in my experience, it’s way less “guilt-ridden” because the other person is a real person, so it feels way less like objectification, which I think we feel more when it’s fantasy. Maybe try to go outside of your comfort zone and find a real life friend that you can share this part of you with. I think you’ll realize that most of our real life people will NOT think it’s nearly as wrong/bad/crazy as you have built up in your mind. And if they don’t think it’s a big deal, it might lessen your own fears about it. The first few friends I told were gay, and that actually made it a little easier for me knowing that they’ve also struggled some with outing a part of themselves as well, and I always supported them, why wouldn’t they do the same for me? I don’t tell them EVERYTHING, lol. There’s only so much I feel comfortable sharing with non-Devs. I hope you come to a better place, maybe it can be your 2018 goal I really appreciate you taking the time to show some love on this. ♡♡ I'm itching to tell someone but no idea who that would be...like a irl person. Talking to anyone on PD, it's already a given. Lol. |
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Post by mona on Jan 1, 2018 5:56:23 GMT -5
PretzelTwist, I feel you. I joined PD six months ago and back then, I could have written a very similar post to yours. I'm glad that you found the courage to join and write your feelings/doubts/struggles down. I think it's a very good beginning. I have spent a lot of time here reading old and new threads and also researching a bit about sexual preferences. I reflected on what it actually is that I feel attracted to and stopped ignoring it or playing it down. And little by little my feelings of shame have totally disappeared. I feel that through PD I have gotten closer to who I really am. I have become friends with my devness. I hope you will have a similar experience here. ❤
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Post by elbs on Jan 1, 2018 8:17:51 GMT -5
I've had gay guy friends say they would have sex with me. Probably because I have genuinely felt like a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Laugh, but I'm serious. I'm curious what you mean by that. Do you think you might be trans? (There are gay trans guys.) Or is it something else? |
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marmar
New Member
Posts: 42 
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by marmar on Jan 4, 2018 6:20:38 GMT -5
Ive read through this whole thread and shame seems to pop up a lot which is something I'm currently struggling with. I know when I indulge in my dev-ness i can sometimes get so into that I find myself thinking some ableist things which makes me feel awful. I do try to separate the disability from the person, but when it's just a video and I know nothing abt the person in their actual life, it can be hard. Ive never had an irl interaction with a PWD, so I honestly don't know how I would react. I'd assume since it's an actual encounter with a real, 3D person my ableist thoughts would not come to surface. I know I have a hard time with wondering if my dev-ness is directly ableist or not, since what is making me attracted to them IS their disability. This is especially bad for when I'm attracted to a woman with a disability bc I feel like a creepy perv.
Another concern is how very specific my dev-mess is. I'm only attracted to SCI people, specifically quads or higher injured paras. It's been like that since I was at least 11 though. Never amputees or blind/deaf, CP, or anything else. Im worried that I'll never be satisfied as I get older since dev stuff is the only way I can get off really.
Anyway, sorry for the very much TMI word vomit 😭 This just seems like the safest place to sorta vent out these thoughts
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Post by shape on Jan 4, 2018 7:20:41 GMT -5
Well, I can say here is probably the best place to get the strength we all need to overcome guilt. I have and hope you both do, marmar and PretzelTwist. You've had a lot of good points in the previous answers. I can only add that I meet and am friends with some pwd. Some with my dev disability, some of the sex I'm not into... It's always different from fantasy to real life, because you are interacting with people. Pwd or ab, they're always people who are or might be just the opposite of what you feel in your fantasy. I don't like some of the pwd I interact with... I think it is all about not getting obsessed, and getting out of the comfort zone (that often becomes a jail). Meeting pwd irl will help. And if you find somebody irl with whom you feel comfortable enough to talk about it do it. None of my pwd irl friends know about my devness, only the ones I meet online. Only one friend, ab, knows a little about it, but he's a non judgmental person. For the rest, you just have to work on it, try to feel better about yourselves, and stay tuned! We'll always be here, and we all probably can relate to what you are feeling (I do), so we'll understand and maybe help. |
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I’m sure many of us can relate to this at least in one way. I don’t really have any great words of advice for you, but for me, talking to a pwd who I met here shortly after I joined here really helped me to see this all much differently than I had been seeing it before. The more I would say how it was wrong to find these things attractive, the more I realized how crazy insulting it is to think that way. Why shouldn’t I find a man attractive who IS attractive in many ways, including the disabled parts? We’ve all said over and over again that it’s the whole person that we would want to be in a relationship with, so the disability is part of the whole person. When it comes to fantasy, just know that real life is much different than fantasy, and in my experience, it’s way less “guilt-ridden” because the other person is a real person, so it feels way less like objectification, which I think we feel more when it’s fantasy. 
