Devs only: What are your dev struggles lately?

[Deleted]

First off, I am sorry you are dealing with that lisa
I am sure lots of the devs here can understand. For me it is always this two edged sword really...I kind of wish I would see a nice looking wheeler sometimes (hasn't happened in months) but at the same time, I know when I do, it messes me up very intensely. So as much as I long to live out the dev, I also kind of dread it because it will bring me face to face again with my "demons" so to speak, the devness and how much it is part of my psychological make-up.
My husband pretending is not what helps me because for me it's not just an easy sexual thing/fix, like..oh, get a wheelchair, get in it or act like you can't move your legs or something and I'm happy. It's not that easy. And I don't want to put this on my husband, he is also not a good "actor". We enjoy other sexual things together and so in that aspect, we are actually perfectly happy. I have other things that get me off.
The dev in me craves something else, it is a deep feeling it craves and so with that, I have also set out to maybe meet someone in my area, which has been totally unsuccessful. And it can't just be any random dude in a chair either, I mean there has to be an attraction so I have kind of given up about this. And again, as I have mentioned before, guys will be guys and even if I met someone, they want something else out of it and not just me sitting there having coffee with them and drooling over the mere image of an attractive dude in a wheelchair drinking coffee with me. Just thinking about this though give me palpitations but without the sexual aspect.
The problem with this is, that I can't even find a guy who is willing to just do that with me, hang out, talk, let me feel and explore my devness in his presence and see where it takes me/us. I know my initial interest is not for sex, it's for something else and to find a willing "subject" is probably not going to happen. Will it possibly lead to sex, I don't know because I have other things that get me off...so he would have to be cool with that.
Or possibly I would meet that guy and my hormones would explode and I would want to jump him, I don't know and I probably will never know. I don't watch videos and I don't read any dev fiction except my own because that is how I process my devness. And as an author I am open about being a dev and I will publish all my stories for myself and maybe if just some random woman/man may come across them and realize that she feels something, I would be happy.
So, I guess I don't have any solid advice and I'm sorry about that. I know it's not easy being a dev in many aspects, many of us are in committed relationships with AB men and the chances even for our single lady devs to find their one and only PWD or the dis guys to find their one and only dev, is slim, because we are such rare species on both sides.
Maybe try the pretending with your bf or explore other avenues of sexual options with him and see where it takes you. If your devness is primarily sexual, maybe listen into yourself if there are other things that may turn you on that you could do with your bf. Of course if you are not happy with him otherwise or if the relationship has cracks, even that may not help. If you feel you need to follow your dev  heart once and for all, then maybe pursuing that is the only option. But sit down with your bf and discuss this openly.
Sorry, this got so long...I totally understand you though and we all have to find ways to indulge our dev, it's not easy sometimes. 

[missparkle]

lisa , I'm sorry to hear you are struggling, but I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice. To be honest, stories or clips never really worked for me, I was always craving for "real deal". In that sense, I am absolutely sure role play would never work for me either, on the contrary, it would even be repulsive to me, like "insult" for my devness, if that makes any sense... Probably not, LOL. Like I can not fool myself, I can't enjoy fake, for example I could not enjoy the transfer of a person I know CAN move, I wouldn't find anything exciting about it...

My own devness only "real thing" can put to ease, only then I feel like "at home", at place I've always belonged to, as it should be. And I agree with others who already said it, it doesn't have to be sexually, it can simply be close friends.

[lisa]

Thank you, all, for answering, you're the best!

I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who can't really imagine enjoying role play (at least not this kind of role play). I have experienced in the past that having a close friend with a disability (who knows that I'm a dev) can be a huge help. At the moment I don't have someone like this in my life unfortunately. I think there's this eternal problem that in a friendship like this someone always hopes for more and if this doesn't happen, the friendship won't last very long either, like Dani said.

Jul 15, 2020 18:20:54 GMT -5 Dani said:

even if I met someone, they want something else out of it and not just me sitting there having coffee with them and drooling over the mere image of an attractive dude in a wheelchair drinking coffee with me.

But it seems some of you have this experience and I'm very happy for you. I get that it helps tremendously on multiple levels. I would like to explore if also the sexual part of my devness (which is there, but probably not the main part) can be satisfied by just being friends. This would be great (given there would be a friend like that ).

Jul 16, 2020 5:54:55 GMT -5 missparkle said:

My own devness only "real thing" can put to ease, only then I feel like "at home", at place I've always belonged to, as it should be.

Thank you for putting it like this, it's exactly how I feel. In previous situations, being next to a wheeler, just taking a walk through the city, this is when I felt like "arriving", being where I'm meant to be, like this is my place in the world. It's great to know that this exists, but once I knew it does, the longing to experience it again can't be ignored as well as before.

But just to clarify again: I'm very happy with my boyfriend and we are great for each other on so many levels. But yeah, my twisted sexuality is a bit of a problem (at least for me, not so much for him, I guess). But this doesn't mean that I don't want him in my life anymore. He has been super supportive with all the dev stuff, even allowing me to meet PWDs and explore things with them.

[rebeckers84]

Can kinda relate with where you’re at right now. Been really seriously wanting a pwd relationship for some time. I continue to date (mostly from dating apps). I’ve been seeing one guy now for a few weeks and while he is super awesome there is just “something” missing. You all know what that something is but no one else in my life does. So any time someone asks me how things are and I’m like ok they rag on me for being too picky or too this or too that. But I still don’t feel like I have anyone that I want to tell that SOMEthing too!! This is really the first time I’ve been seeing someone where it’s all clicking except he’s AB and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t let it go on too long if I can’t continue with an AB. But I also don’t want to break off a good thing. And I gotta figure out how to tell all my peeps I’m breaking off a good thing for no good reason (that they know of). Uuuugghhhhh it’s all so complicated.

Maybe I need to just stop seeing AB guys. But then good god I’d never date anyone cause these pwd’s are nowhere to be found!!! And they think we’re unicorns... 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Amee]

I feel you 100% rebeckers84! It's not that I don't find AB guys attractive, but I'm just crazy picky with them and it's so frustrating that I can't tell anyone or talk about it with anyone.

I keep playing with the idea of telling a few select people in my life, but I'm still somewhat unsure.
Some really funny things have been happening with my younger brother lately. He's a bit of a clown and likes to say outrageous or silly or saucy things just to provoke people or get their attention. He's been asking me weird immature questions about what I'm into a couple of times now. Just a few days ago, he was walking up to me while I was on my laptop with PD open. I told him to leave me alone and when he didn't I closed my laptop, so he wouldn't see PD. He then asked me if I was watching porn and then completely out of the blue, he asks me if I'm into "midget bondage porn". I asked him if he would be shocked, if I was and he said "No, I don't kink shame." That's actually something he has been dropping more than once, recently "Don't kink shame.".
So I kind of feel like he would actually be pretty cool and nonchalant about it, but he's still my little brother and telling him something like that is just... nope.

lisa I couldn't imagine that any pretending/ role play with an AB partner would do something for me, either. But I'm not sure, if the reason for that might just be that the idea of pretending is so charged with shame and creepiness in my head that it's just an instant turn-off. I just couldn't imagine that I would be able to let go, which would be necessary to genuinely explore whether it might do something. But if your boyfriend is so supportive of your devness, maybe it's worth a try?

[mona]

Amee, how old is your brother? I wasn't aware of the term "kink shame" but I like it!

[Amee]

Jul 17, 2020 12:53:59 GMT -5 mona said:

Amee, how old is your brother? I wasn't aware of the term "kink shame" but I like it!

He's 24, but he behaves like a 14-year-old most of the time.

I've never heard that from anyone else, either! But just hearing him say it always makes me feel good inside

[missparkle]

rebeckers84, Amee, I would really like to encourage you to tell to someone really close to you IRL. And I have few good reasons for that:

First of all, as you both already said, it feels frustrating and lonely not to be able to discuss these things with someone close, someone who really knows you. Yes, we are here on PD, lake "safe harbor" for each other, but let's be honest... We mainly know only one side, dev aspect of each other.

Second, as long as you don't somehow integrate devness it in your real life it stays in zone of "dark secret". So we are like AA group here, accept, support each other, but that AA has to be accepted in outside world too, right?! Once people who are close to you, care for you, fully accept it as a part of you, it really feels good and makes you accept it more yourself.

Last, but not the least, I've noticed that my friends who know I am dev started to look at pwds in some other, more positive, respectful light... Like not "object of compassion", but "object of someone's desire". (Don't jump to my throat for this "object")

In my life only few people know, but I find it very valuable for me. They all say they were a bit shocked at first, not judging or anything, but didn't really know where to put it. But once they had a time to digest it, they are all very cool about it, supportive, curious, teasing me all the time and regularly report on "wheeler spotting". LOL And yes, one of them is my "baby sister".

[rebeckers84]

O I’m totally on board with the no “kink shame” thing now!!! That’s new for me to but yea I like it!!! Haha

I made a list of friends the other night that I thought I might be close to being ready to spill to. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer and closer. Whyyyyy is this something we are so “ashamed” of (if that’s the right word)?!?!? Adding pros/cons and I gotta say, there aren’t really many cons.

I think this latest guy is gonna make me have to tell at least my closest and dearest gal pals because they’re hounding me with I don’t understand what is wrong with him why can’t you just be happy. And it’s not that there’s something wrong with me. He just doesn’t have what I want. And how to explain that to them 🤦🏻‍♀️

[rebeckers84]

Thank you, missparkle!!!! Your words mean a lot and I will definitely take them into consideration.
I was making the above post when a lot of the internet went down (I know because I work for a tech company and we went down!! Ugh) so as I mentioned I think I am soooo close to telling at least 1 person. Although knowing me I go from 0-100 in 2 seconds I’ll probably end up telling all my close gals. Hahaha

[Amee]

missparkle thank you for your words! I've considered all of those points you mentioned, but somehow, I'm still not sure, if I'm really quite "there" yet. I know myself and unfortunately, I have this horrible disease where I care way too much about what other people think of me. I've really tried to work against that and it's gotten a little bit better, but it's still pretty strong. So I'm sure that I would feel quite exposed, if I told someone. And I'm just not sure if that would be the best thing in my personal journey of dev self-discovery and -acceptance at the moment. Right now, I feel quite comfortable with my devness and with the pace at which I'm learning to better accept it and integrate it into my life in a fulfilling way. I feel safe, because I'm not exposed. I'm not sure if the possible benefits of telling someone outweigh the possible risk of losing that safety at the moment. I'm sure I'll tell someone at some point, but at the moment, I feel like I just need to give myself time.

rebeckers84 if you tell your girls, let us know how it went!

[ana]

Hi, i have been here for a while, i was not ready to chat, but know i really need to talk with someone that understands me, My AB boyfriend has a friend, who recently got paralyzed, it's very annoying for me to try to control my dev feelings and don't ask him about his friend, i really love my man, i confessed my dev side to him once, but we were drunk so i am not sure if he does remember that, also i am scared that he ask me to visit his friend, i knew him before his accident and i feel so shame of my devside

[ContingentlyComposite]

Aug 22, 2020 9:21:00 GMT -5 ana said:

Hi, i have been here for a while, i was not ready to chat, but know i really need to talk with someone that understands me, My AB boyfriend has a friend, who recently got paralyzed, it's very annoying for me to try to control my dev feelings and don't ask him about his friend, i really love my man, i confessed my dev side to him once, but we were drunk so i am not sure if he does remember that, also i am scared that he ask me to visit his friend, i knew him before his accident and i feel so shame of my devside

Hi ana I don't have anything very helpful to say, I'm afraid. I guess my suggestion would just be don't try to control your dev feelings and thoughts. Keep reminding yourself that there's nothing wrong with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking about your bf's friend either. Having dev thoughts is not cheating on your bf. If you end up developing real feelings for your bf's friend after spending time around him, then you probably need to have another talk with your bf about the situation, but short of that there's nothing for you to feel ashamed of or guilty about IMO.

[Deleted]

ana I think the more you will try to suppress your feelings, the more complicated it will get.
Are you feeling ashamed because you are curious about the paralyzed friend or are you feeling ashamed that you are attracted to the paralyzed friend, who just went through this trauma?
I think the second one is a common one for devs, to feel bad about being attracted to someone who has endured such life altering trauma...it's a tough one really.
I know that one is weird for me too, like I actually get scared when I watch guys do crazy things where they could get hurt or something. I can't even really watch stuff like that. It's so twisted because at the same time I am a dev and fascinated with these things.
If it's the first one, maybe talk to your bf about it again...I am not sure. I guess it depends what makes you uncomfortable.
Are you worried you may be too attracted to the friend and it could cause issues in your relationship?
I guess I don't have great advice either...sorry

[ana]

Aug 23, 2020 13:39:10 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

Aug 22, 2020 9:21:00 GMT -5 ana said:

Hi, i have been here for a while, i was not ready to chat, but know i really need to talk with someone that understands me, My AB boyfriend has a friend, who recently got paralyzed, it's very annoying for me to try to control my dev feelings and don't ask him about his friend, i really love my man, i confessed my dev side to him once, but we were drunk so i am not sure if he does remember that, also i am scared that he ask me to visit his friend, i knew him before his accident and i feel so shame of my devside

Hi ana I don't have anything very helpful to say, I'm afraid. I guess my suggestion would just be don't try to control your dev feelings and thoughts. Keep reminding yourself that there's nothing wrong with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking about your bf's friend either. Having dev thoughts is not cheating on your bf. If you end up developing real feelings for your bf's friend after spending time around him, then you probably need to have another talk with your bf about the situation, but short of that there's nothing for you to feel ashamed of or guilty about IMO.

Thanks for your advice, i know there is nothing wrong, i just had a bad experience with my first boyfriend, after 2 years of relationship i told him about my secret and he was ok for a while, but then he became rude about it, soo. I wasn't sure to do the same with my actual boyfriend, we've been together for almost 3 years and i really love him, zero emotional interest on his friend, just dev curiosity