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Post by dentelle on Nov 24, 2011 5:08:33 GMT -5
I hate the term "see past" because if you're seeing "past" something, then you're not really seeing it... and then what's the point, if you're not seeing the whole person?? My two cents, as I'm too distracted to take this idea of devs as a last resort apart... Let's just say, I'm against it. LOL I agree with you ladies It sounds like trying to ignore the disability.
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Post by dentelle on Nov 24, 2011 5:31:19 GMT -5
wow, got more to add! I don't look at dating anyone with a disabilty a last resort. For a couple of years now, I've been getting up the courage to go on the websites like Whispers, but didn't feel I could or had the right. I signed up to a couple in June Lately, when I look at the AB profiles or profiles of people who are 'open minded', I just don't get that zing and actually feel empty and disappointed. Especially when they write to me or when I go to POF and look at profiles there. Go figure I feel like why are these people writing to me? Must be the antibiotics ;D
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Post by wheelieInCali on Nov 25, 2011 3:43:03 GMT -5
I think a lot of the guys these days don't understand that the devotee attraction is not the same as what they may be used to. Like Emma said, they are looking right at the disability not past it. Face it fellas, most girls would prefer that you not be disabled and though they might be able to accept your disability, they are not sexually aroused by it.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Nov 25, 2011 10:31:57 GMT -5
If you try to post something and you get an internal server error that means to keep your mouth shut, right? lol
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Post by Cake on Nov 25, 2011 10:37:31 GMT -5
If you try to post something and you get an internal server error that means to keep your mouth shut, right? lol No, it's the universe testing you whether if an internal server error is enough to chicken you out of saying what you think.
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Post by BA on Nov 25, 2011 10:48:35 GMT -5
I think a lot of the guys these days don't understand that the devotee attraction is not the same as what they may be used to. Like Emma said, they are looking right at the disability not past it. Face it fellas, most girls would prefer that you not be disabled and though they might be able to accept your disability, they are not sexually aroused by it. Thank you Jason, for addressing my question/concern. My next question is this: Part of a healthy relationship involves both partners being turned on and aroused by the other's physical appearance, correct? (Of course we all know about the multitude of other personal qualities that create and maintain attraction). So, if the average woman "looks past" a disability, what do you feel she really thinks about your body? Is it OK for her to think that it is sufficiently OK but not particularly arousing and that what she really likes is your mind or warmth or (fill in the blank)? Hey, at least she is "normal" by not liking it. It's at least normal to find it non-arousing or at best, very neutral or ignorable. Is that how you always imagined you wanted to be perceived by a woman? How many of you guys would sustain a sexual relationship with someone who you found tolerable bus not a turn on? Do you in anyway feel that YOU have had to lower your standards of what you find attractive because of your disability? If so, what made you feel you had to lower them? Whose message are you buying into? Hey, I am no disability activist by any means but I think it is very telling when a guy says "Hey, I can get all "regular" girls - don't need a dev.". It implies that the dev is quite abnormal and that being with one would minimize a guy's status (even in his own mind). Talk about buying strictly into what the majority thinks is attractive! Yeah we all do it. The devs and our guilt is pretty well tied up in going against the grain of societies' view that disabled bodies = asexual and no way arousing. Takes guts and work to buck that majority. Guys, I would love your thought. I promise no arguments from my end!
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Nov 25, 2011 10:50:26 GMT -5
If you try to post something and you get an internal server error that means to keep your mouth shut, right? lol No, it's the universe testing you whether if an internal server error is enough to chicken you out of saying what you think. Ah, well then! lol Wait! I know what you're doing! You're hoping for another opportunity to use the Michael Jackson popcorn pic... well, it's not that controversial, missy! ;D I think a lot of the guys these days don't understand that the devotee attraction is not the same as what they may be used to. Like Emma said, they are looking right at the disability not past it. Face it fellas, most girls would prefer that you not be disabled and though they might be able to accept your disability, they are not sexually aroused by it. I think there are several of the guys who've been here for YEARS who still either don't quite understand this or simply can't come to any sort of ease with it. I lean towards the no ease bit. It IS a lot to wrap your noggin around. It was a lot for me to understand and I own it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2011 11:24:33 GMT -5
I think a lot of the guys these days don't understand that the devotee attraction is not the same as what they may be used to. Like Emma said, they are looking right at the disability not past it. Face it fellas, most girls would prefer that you not be disabled and though they might be able to accept your disability, they are not sexually aroused by it. Thank you Jason, for addressing my question/concern. My next question is this: Part of a healthy relastionship involves both partners being turned on and aroused by the other's physical appearance, correct? (Of course we all know about the multitude of other personal qualities that create and maintain attraction). So, if the average woman "looks past" a disabilty, what do you feel she really thinks about your body? Is it ok for her to think that it is sufficiently ok but not particularly arousing and that what she really likes is your mind or warmth or (fill in the blank)? Hey, at least she is "normal" by not liking it. It's at leastnormal to find it non-arousing or at best, very neutral or ignorable. Is that how you always imagined you wanted to be perceived by a woman? How many of you guys would sustain a sexual relationship with someone who you found tolerable bus not a turn on? Do you in anyway feel that YOU have had to lower your standards of what you find attractive because of your disability? If so, what made you feel you had to lower them? Whose message are you buying into? Hey, I am no disabilty activist by any means but I think it is very telling when a guy says "Hey, I can get all "regular" girls - don't need a dev.". It implies that the dev is quite abnormal and that being with one would minimize a guy's status (even in his own mind). Talk about buying strictly into what the majority thinks is attractive! Yeah we all do it. The devs and our guilt is pretty well tied up in going against the grain of societies' view that disabled bodies = asexual and no way arousing. Takes guts and work to buck that majority. Guys, I would love your thought. I promise no arguments from my end! My $.02: I just want to preface this with the statement that I'm tired and not feeling the greatest. I may have more to add later. You're right. I don't WANT a woman to simply stomach my physical appearance. We all want to feel attractive and actually wanted. And I refuse to compromise my own standards, even though I realize they are probably unrealistic given most women's views of what a datable man is. I would love to find a dev to love and grow old with. But can I afford to wait for the stars to align and drop that perfect dev in my lap? You know the one, she is beautiful, intelligent, funny, lives near me and actually likes me back? As far as I know, this is the only place to find devs (at least the ones that are open about it). I don't hold out much hope for a successful relationship coming from here. So, I'm looking around my own neighborhood. If I can find someone that "looks past" my disability and still loves me, so be it. Is it ideal? Of course not. Is it what I want? No, but we rarely get everything we want. I'm 33. I don't think I can wait another 10 years to find someone.
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mrigby
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Post by mrigby on Nov 25, 2011 13:56:49 GMT -5
My $.02: I just want to preface this with the statement that I'm tired and not feeling the greatest. I may have more to add later. You're right. I don't WANT a woman to simply stomach my physical appearance. We all want to feel attractive and actually wanted. And I refuse to compromise my own standards, even though I realize they are probably unrealistic given most women's views of what a datable man is. I would love to find a dev to love and grow old with. But can I afford to wait for the stars to align and drop that perfect dev in my lap? You know the one, she is beautiful, intelligent, funny, lives near me and actually likes me back? As far as I know, this is the only place to find devs (at least the ones that are open about it). I don't hold out much hope for a successful relationship coming from here. So, I'm looking around my own neighborhood. If I can find someone that "looks past" my disability and still loves me, so be it. Is it ideal? Of course not. Is it what I want? No, but we rarely get everything we want. I'm 33. I don't think I can wait another 10 years to find someone. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world. I get where you're coming from, but I don't think I could ever settle for a relationship that felt like I was settling, or they with me. It may be because I'm a hopeless romantic that idealizes what love should be, or it may be because I feel entitled to happiness after all the shit that I've gone through in life, but I will never give up trying to find her... who ever she may be. I fully realize that I will probably die before my search is done, but I could never live with myself if I didn't try. </2Cents>
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2011 16:40:30 GMT -5
I think a lot of the guys these days don't understand that the devotee attraction is not the same as what they may be used to. Like Emma said, they are looking right at the disability not past it. Face it fellas, most girls would prefer that you not be disabled and though they might be able to accept your disability, they are not sexually aroused by it. I would NEVER settle for a woman that can ''look past my disability'' or one that doesn't find me sexy and irresistible. I realize that maybe only 2% of the world's population(male and female) may have enough depth and character to be open to having a relationship with a disabled person. Obviously most devs fall within that 2%...but many don't(those that it's nothing more than a sexual fetish or fantasy, and aren't interested or suitable for a long-term relationship) For me it's been a plus, I don't have to waste my time wading through the 98% of the shallow or self-centered women(Don't get me wrong...just because someone isn't open to a relationship with someone disabled...doesn't mean I think they are a bad person...just 'maybe' missing out on the relationship of a lifetime, that most everyone seeks). With my close friends, and within the serious relationships I've had...they frequently say that they forget I'm disabled... For me, that's a great compliment. I personally would never ''settle'' with a dev because I thought it was my only option or best option. I view the devs that I've gotten to know personally on PD the same as any other of the 2% high quality women. I think this attitude is necessary for my own self-esteem, as well as theirs'. I can't imagine a long term relationship being epic if either the dev or DP have that mindset...it's unhealthy. I think all healthy-minded disabled people should be open to the possibility of a dev being 'the one'
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Post by wheelieInCali on Nov 25, 2011 19:42:03 GMT -5
Thank you Jason, for addressing my question/concern. My next question is this: Part of a healthy relationship involves both partners being turned on and aroused by the other's physical appearance, correct? (Of course we all know about the multitude of other personal qualities that create and maintain attraction). So, if the average woman "looks past" a disability, what do you feel she really thinks about your body? Is it OK for her to think that it is sufficiently OK but not particularly arousing and that what she really likes is your mind or warmth or (fill in the blank)? Hey, at least she is "normal" by not liking it. It's at least normal to find it non-arousing or at best, very neutral or ignorable. Is that how you always imagined you wanted to be perceived by a woman? How many of you guys would sustain a sexual relationship with someone who you found tolerable bus not a turn on? Do you in anyway feel that YOU have had to lower your standards of what you find attractive because of your disability? If so, what made you feel you had to lower them? Whose message are you buying into? Hey, I am no disability activist by any means but I think it is very telling when a guy says "Hey, I can get all "regular" girls - don't need a dev.". It implies that the dev is quite abnormal and that being with one would minimize a guy's status (even in his own mind). Talk about buying strictly into what the majority thinks is attractive! Yeah we all do it. The devs and our guilt is pretty well tied up in going against the grain of societies' view that disabled bodies = asexual and no way arousing. Takes guts and work to buck that majority. Guys, I would love your thought. I promise no arguments from my end! I think your question ultimately comes down to how important we view sex in a relationship. I know it shouldn't be as important as it is for me but I can't help it, I'm a total horndog. No healthy relationship should be centered around sex (which almost all of my pre-injury relationships were). Intimacy is another matter, I think almost any couple can reach quite sufficient intimacy without having some good old sex. Those couples we see in their 80's who have been together for over 50 years and are still in love, I'm sure would tell us that sex in a relationship is not all that important. Sharing and caring will take a relationship much further than mind blowing sex. I have a strong sex drive and put sex on a pretty high shelf even though I know it doesn't last forever with any couple. I'm still kind of young.
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Post by BA on Nov 25, 2011 22:09:40 GMT -5
Jason wrote: . I know it shouldn't be as important as it is for me but I can't help it, I'm a total horndog.
Why shouldn't it be? It's very important to me even though I know it likely won't last forever nor be the most important thing for the long haul. I still rate sex as very high on my list.
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Post by Dee Dee on Nov 25, 2011 22:38:54 GMT -5
If you try to post something and you get an internal server error that means to keep your mouth shut, right? lol It´s strange, because the server errors happen all the time lately. No kidding. Does anyone else experience the site not responding constantly? In maybe 8 out of ten times? LOL Inigo.
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Post by BA on Nov 26, 2011 7:53:00 GMT -5
Omg, that was quite an incredible response.
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Post by Dee Dee on Nov 26, 2011 9:50:09 GMT -5
Judit, how did you and your husband connect on here, if you don't mind me asking? Were both of you on the site to find someone? Did either of you post on the personals message board? Who made the first move? We both posted on Personals here, he came about one year after I did, but neither of us was here to find a date. It started here: paradevo.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=personals&action=display&thread=798In January that year I just started a basic Spanish class, so we started to correspond to help me learn the language. When I first visited him in September that year I was quite fluent in Spanish, already learning Dutch (and dropped out of Spanish). I don't really know when it turned to something else than a friendship. He did not send me a pic during months, so I didn't know how he loked like, he was quite shy about telling me about his disability, so I didn't know what I'm getting myself into (btw. he is totally not my dev type, but it already didn't matter when I found out), but we just somehow clicked. Then we started to visit each other regularly. He lived with his parents until finally he moved in with me, so when I visited him or when he came here his parents were always around - very nice, friendly and accepting people. They didn't have anything against me, even though I come from the eastern block, I am from another religion, and our relationship with their son ment quite some physical and financial burden on them, too. I was just another daughter for them. So I guess I not only fell in love with him, but also with his whole family. Judit, this is a great story .
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