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Post by dolly on Nov 26, 2011 20:28:48 GMT -5
i just realized i basically reiterated what others have said before me, but oh well... also wanted to say thanks to judit for sharing her happy story.
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Post by Pisti on Nov 26, 2011 20:39:12 GMT -5
I just read through the last few days of this tread, and I planned to write to some of you pages of answers and opinions (I still might another time), but this pretty much sums up what I wanted to be expressed: i personally think a dev-wheeler relationship between the right partners (including a fully accepting wheeler), is a total win-win. (Thank you, Dolly!)
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Post by Emma on Nov 26, 2011 20:56:24 GMT -5
i think the sampling of devs participating on this board are in the top percentile of self-awareness and frankly, bravery. This made me smile. Thanks Dolly for calling me a brave dev since sometimes I feel like the weird friend with the unusual sexual kink my friends prefer to ignore.
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Post by alluringpariah on Nov 26, 2011 22:55:01 GMT -5
Mr Rigby, I like what you wrote on page 3 (reply #33), your post had a touch of class to it. I interpreted looknohands to be saying, 'devs aren't crossing my path right now, but that doesn't mean the path isn't open to them'. I guess it's just a matter of how we first perceive things. Is it really about a disabled persons self worth? Personally, I just wish I could be perceived by others as the real me, it's not really about hating my body as it is now. But of course I wish I was healed, so I can run, jump and dance etc. I would expect so to would my partner, but for practical and health reasons. Self loathing/self esteem isn't really a big factor. I am surprised at the amount of early posts stating non dev women wouldn't truly find disabled men attractive (although latter posts have somewhat rectified this). Here I always thought the girls I've hooked up with did so because I am really really ridiculously good looking, but alas, it seems pity played its part Is looking past your disability, not accepting who you are? Or just her accepting that if the light bulb breaks, you ain't fixing it. @ alf, son I would love to be part of a parade. I'm always ranting about having a march/protest. If an occupy the GC eventuates, I'm a be on the frontline, hopefully getting bashed by a cop (imagine how many hits on youtube I'd get). Also, my brother has DOWN SYNDROME, he's not a mongoloid mate
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mrigby
Junior Member
Posts: 59
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Post by mrigby on Nov 27, 2011 2:12:59 GMT -5
Mr Rigby, I like what you wrote on page 3 (reply #33), your post had a touch of class to it. Thanks.
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Post by wheelieInCali on Nov 27, 2011 10:44:19 GMT -5
I think everybody is WAY over-analyzing here. Why would I want a relationship with a devotee over a vanilla girl? Sex. I'm a good looking guy, there are plenty of girls out there who find me attractive enough to have a relationship with. If I were to find a relationship with any girl I would want those things: mutual understanding as well as love, caring and romance but the plain and simple fact is that sex with a vanilla would always be lacking because of my disability. What is a relationship without the dynamite sex (for all parties) I'm talking about here? Just a relationship. I don't want to be in just a relationship. I do see the wheeler/dev relationship as a match made in heaven for the very reason that there is an other than normal attraction there. My disability is a huge part of who I am and I think a non-dev girl would be settling in deciding to have a relationship with me. She would be settling or she doesn't have much interest in sex; and in that case, I would be settling.
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Post by BA on Nov 27, 2011 12:56:30 GMT -5
I think everybody is WAY over-analyzing here. . On the contrary. I think it's an amazingly insightful conversation and people do need to clarify things that they say if they were misunderstood. I don't see it as being over-analyzed at all. It can, however raise a ton of strong feelings one way or another. As long as those feelings are put on the table respectfully then I think we've got a wicked good topic.
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Post by MarineAmp on Nov 27, 2011 14:55:40 GMT -5
I felt like I stepped in a big pile of poop...and I just kept sinking...and the more I struggled to explain...the deeper I went I almost felt like I was reading about a witch hunt. It is amazing how a little misunderstanding can turn into something unexpected. I get you bro, and I understood the second I read it what you were saying. So here's my two cents: I do think I'd prefer being with a dev vs. a "regular" woman. There are definite advantages for both the dev and the disabled person. At the same time we have to be realistic about this whole thing. There are so many more disabled men than female devs in this world. If you're a disabled woman or a gay disabled man, then you have more options of finding a dev interested in you. Just because of numbers, disabled guys are most likely going to be single just waiting around for the right dev to come along. Dev ladies, you do have more options finding a disabled partner than a disabled partner finding a female dev. Although I do realize the pool of men that you are attracted to is far smaller than most of the population on the planet. This is a tough scenario for both sides, then you throw in all the individual factors of personal preferences, what you're attracted to specifically, and if that person is really capable of being in a long term relationship. Let's be honest not everyone has the characteristics to be a good partner in a relationship regardless of being disabled or not. Then throw in the complexity of being in a relationship with a disabled person. I don't want to say there is no hope for anyone, but the truth of it, it is going to be hard to find a good match, let alone find this "epic romance." You might have to just settle for a healthy, committed romance or something along those lines. That's all semantics anyways. I dated a handful of women before meeting my wife, and I am sure most of them weren't devs. I do have my suspicions about one or two of them though. I do agree, my wife's attraction to my body is stronger than those other women, but I wouldn't say that their attraction to me was significantly diminished because I was an amputee. Sex was similar to the sex I had before my injury, and I never had the impression that I was being settled for. Another thing I thought of is how hypocritical some posts are coming from certain people. How can you get mad at a disabled man for saying the dev thing isn't panning out at this moment so I'm going to give the non-dev thing a chance when a lot of you are dating or married to a non-disabled person? To me it seems (to some degree) that you settled for something less than what you wanted. I also think there is kind of a hierarchy of disabilities that are more capable of dating non-devs, and I think there are some disabilities that can lead to men thinking their only hope is to be with a dev woman, and vice versa. It doesn't sound like the ideal romance, but it is very possible that, that kind of relationship could grow into something powerful. To contradict myself slightly, the person with the disability plays a huge role in it too. If I had my same disability, but I lived with my parents, had no source of income, weighed 75lbs more, and rolled around everywhere in a diaper, I don't think I'd be capable of being with many women, let alone a non-dev who isn't as understanding about my situation. Then throw in all those characteristics with someone who is in a power chair and needs a personal assistant to do everyday tasks and it starts snow balling. No-offense if you fall into this category, but it is the reality of the situation. I don't think it is impossible for non-devs to love a person with these characteristics, but it is rare, which can easily lead to "settling." It just seems like the odds aren't in anyone's favor, almost the kind of odds that Spock would always give Capt. Kirk when choosing his options of staving off disaster, but somehow he always seemed to pull it off. Unfortunately we don't live in fantasy land and we don't get to create our perfect world, you have to play the cards you're dealt. Some of us were dealt amputee card, para card, SB, CP, SMA, fat, ugly, sexy, smart, funny, short, tall, blonde, red head, or whatever else. And that is what we have to play with, and you better figure out how to use your best cards, or there is a good chance you'll be left behind as the game moves on. Another thought that my wife and I shared with each other. I think my wife is the perfect dev for me, or at least as close to perfect as it can get. I think some of the way devs are attracted to guys may or may not be a turn on for the guy. If your attraction is centered on conversations dealing with your disable partner's lifestyle, I think that would drive me nuts. I don't mind those conversations once in a while, but I couldn't do that all the time. This is getting long enough I think I'll end this here.
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Post by Pisti on Nov 27, 2011 18:50:12 GMT -5
Marineamp, your lady is a lucky girl. I like your way of thinking.
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mrigby
Junior Member
Posts: 59
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Post by mrigby on Nov 27, 2011 23:42:31 GMT -5
If I had my same disability, but I lived with my parents, had no source of income, weighed 75lbs more, and rolled around everywhere in a diaper, I don't think I'd be capable of being with many women, let alone a non-dev who isn't as understanding about my situation. Then throw in all those characteristics with someone who is in a power chair and needs a personal assistant to do everyday tasks and it starts snow balling. No-offense if you fall into this category, but it is the reality of the situation. I don't think it is impossible for non-devs to love a person with these characteristics, but it is rare, which can easily lead to "settling." Minus the 75lbs and the diaper, I fall in that category. I get that you meant no offense, and I'm really trying not to take offense, but I do. I'm just really tired of being used as an example of "how bad it could be." I fully realize the odds are against me to find love. I'm painfully aware of that every day. The odds alone of me still being alive by age 26 was really slim too, but here I am. I've had a really rough last 24 hours that I'd rather not go into, so my apologies for this less than classy quip, but fuck the odds.
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Post by alluringpariah on Nov 28, 2011 0:55:13 GMT -5
We all have those days mrigby, much love brother I thank you marineamp, for telling it how it is and having the guts to say what's on your mind. Although I would have to disagree with your cliched description of a power chair user (I use a manual chair but). I would never ever expect a partner to become a carer. I suppose over time as/if you fell in love, she would want to help you, but I would limit it as much as possible, as surely this is a surefire relationship killer? Don't you Americans have huge medical insurance? Who in the developed world still requires families to take care of them? Down under, we get the calculated minimum amount of hours required to survive. You get chucked in the deep end, but use your resourcefulness to keep afloat. The only people I know who rely on family, are precious little sooks who want this so, as well as their paid assistants. wheelieInCali, do you not believe you could have enjoyable sex with a non - dev girl? I thought you were more into intimacy anyway. Your giving me a complex bro, I mean you have hands/fingers. I thought you might alf, hence my . There are people who (unwittingly) don't realise mongoloid isn't used anymore. But I get what you're saying, sometimes I post on my wheelie friends FB wall, that they're 'fat cripples who need go for a jog'. An in-joke between friends . However I don't know anyone with downs, who would refer to another as 'mongoloid' in the context that black people call each other.............
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Post by Emma on Nov 28, 2011 1:01:15 GMT -5
I'm sorry you had a rough last 24 hours Mrigby. I hope things get better for you. I don't mean to offend you by this post but rather inspire and enlighten you and others.
I was thinking about your post and remember the guy I dated right before I met my husband. He was AB, attractive and we had a good time together. What reminded me of him so much in this thread was several things; I should say however that I broke up with him right after meeting my husband and we had been together over a year and he had been talking marrige. Anyway......he lived with his parents, had a low income but admirable job and was about 75 lbs heavier than both he and I liked. He didn't wear a diaper and wasn't disabled but I was constantly at him for moving out, loosing weight and getting a better job. He actively pursued all those so I was okay with staying with him but as I realized after meeting my husband I wasn't happy about those things. What I'm trying to say is it doesn't matter if your disabled or not, living with your parents is never good for meeting women. Having a decent income is imperative. So although I think its very challenging for some guys with disabilities I think its extremely important to move out and establish your life on your own. That helps women see you as independent, devs or non-devs regardless of how independent you actually are. As a dev I think having helpers at home is so very different than having your parents help you.
I dated another guy who had CP and lived at home with his parents. He didn't work or have income to support himself. He didn't drive or even cook for himself despite being capable to do both. While I was impressed with his intellect, personality, looks and was somewhat into his disability I was VERY unimpressed with his lack of independence. Ultimately I broke up with him because of these issues.
I hope this doesn't make you feel worse mrigby. I'm just trying to educate you and others about the inner working of my dev mind and what I'm ok with and what I expect from a partner. I wish you all the best finding the woman for you.
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Post by E on Nov 28, 2011 2:32:11 GMT -5
As far as I know, none have been devs. I'm not really a 'dev magnet' fortunately I'm pretty busy with non-dev ladies. ;o} When I read your comment LNH I wasn't surprised, dismayed, disparaged or any of the other adjectives that have been used here. I was happy you have women interested in you since it seems so often that women are shallow and don't consider dating someone with a disability. When I saw how the comment got turned around I was thinking it made for an interesting discussion but clearly knew that's not what you meant by it. The grammar geek in me is a bit excited that the confusion from Mr. LNH stems from a lack of proper punctuation. He wrote: As far as I know, none have been devs. I'm not really a 'dev magnet' fortunately I'm pretty busy with non-dev ladies. ;o} He meant: As far as I know, none have been devs. I'm not really a 'dev magnet'. Fortunately, I'm pretty busy with non-dev ladies. ;o} Or, even better: As far as I know, none have been devs. Unfortunately, I'm not really a 'dev magnet', so I'm fortunate to be pretty busy with non-dev ladies. ;o} It's interesting/important to note that in my clarified versions, it's clear that devs are his first choice, and non-devs are who he's "resorting to" -- not the other way around, as was earlier suggested.
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mrigby
Junior Member
Posts: 59
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Post by mrigby on Nov 28, 2011 2:45:38 GMT -5
I dated another guy who had CP and lived at home with his parents. He didn't work or have income to support himself. He didn't drive or even cook for himself despite being capable to do both. While I was impressed with his intellect, personality, looks and was somewhat into his disability I was VERY unimpressed with his lack of independence. Ultimately I broke up with him because of these issues. I understand that, but I am dependent on others for 90% of day-to-day tasks, and it isn't because I'm being lazy. I know that you weren't implying that I am, but I thought I should clarify my situation. Due to my health my options are to either live with a medically trained individual or a nursing home. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle the latter. My grandmother was in a nursing home, and I saw what she went through both mentally and physically. There are probably a lot of really good ones out there, but the thought of moving into one terrifies me. I'm not wealthy, but I'm not poor either. The line of work I'm in is either feast or famine. I work my ass off every day, but writing/producing is not a stable profession regardless of disability. Plus I am writing horror stories for a living. Some women may either embrace or reject me purely on this. It goes with the territory. I guess what I'm getting at is while a good chunk of my living situation is out of my hands, I technically have some choice in the matter. The thing is though, I will always choose what is best for me psychologically and emotionally. I could live in a nursing home giving tech support (no offense to this profession) for a living, but I'd never forgive myself. I'm wired to create. When I write, I'm who I'm supposed to be, not what the world expects me to be. Does that make any sense? I guess what I'm saying is that my circumstances are limited, but I'm not unhappy by them. If I'm to be with someone, they need to understand that. Is it a tall order? Absolutely. Still, I hang on to the hope that someone will understand.
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mrigby
Junior Member
Posts: 59
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Post by mrigby on Nov 28, 2011 2:55:28 GMT -5
f*ck the odds!!!! from what i see of your post your pretty cool mate. you will find your chick ... and she will be into all of you ... i have lost count of how long i have wanted the same thing .... to be loved and known. by a wheeler no less. i dont know whos odds are smaller mine or yours ? Thanks Lavly. You're pretty cool yourself. There are lots of wheelers looking for a great dev like you. I'm sure you'll be able to find the one that is right for you. On a side note, I think that I need to print a t-shirt that says Fuck The Odds! Seems like a good rallying cry.
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