Intro
So I was reading this thread and find it very interesting as well as finding many points I’ve experienced. So, I’m going to write my opinion in the matter, this will probably be a quite long text. And might be oversharing a bit, and maybe explaining more of the strictly necessary but I used to be super closed, but now I’m trying to be more open I hope some of you find this useful or at least interesting.
Background, childhood and shit.For a part of my life, I’ve felt that I should not be in a relationship. But I guess that was not always the case. I’ve had my fair share of crushes all the way to my early childhood. Back then If I found myself attracted to someone, I would fantasize on telling them and maybe becoming their boyfriend. But as the shy boy that I was (am?) never anything happened.
This was mostly the case from let’s say elementary school to most of high school but well I guess that’s sort of because at that age you don’t really think long term, and I haven’t grasped the concept of my own mortality, or how my SMA slowly progressing, would make me a bit weaker day after day.
I guess my parent’s didn’t explained it quite well to me when I was a kid my parents were always telling me to put an effort so I wouldn’t lose strength, to exercise more, do things quicker, stand straight and shit like that, and then I would lose strength and feel guilty about it.
I don’t remember the last time I stood up. But hell if I remember the last time I tried. I was there trying to get up but my ass would just get an inch apart from the seat and then my knees and legs would fall. I remember being all sweaty after trying. I also remember the anger, the sadness and perhaps more importantly, I remember feeling guilty. Perhaps if I were less lazy that wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I should have tried harder, maybe I could have done things differently.
But I guess experience was my teacher, I started knowing what to expect and how things would go. We got the internet at home when I was ten, and I used it for the regular things, playing games, watching funny videos, discovering music, and of course watching porn. It wasn’t until I was seventeen that it occurred to me to find more about my disease. It sounds weird I know. Why was it until then that I got the idea to search for it. I honestly don’t know but perhaps what I found was not so helpful. I don’t remember where I read it, but I read the SMA Type II had like a 20-30 year life expectancy. That shit hit me so hard it felt like a free ice bucket challenge.
Back then I was feeling bad, my body was aching, I was really sad and perhaps I didn’t know it back then, but I was also really angry at life and even more angry with myself, perhaps I was a little bit depressed. But for sure that was not at all the reassurance I needed but I kept reading. Treatment options. There wasn’t any at the time just suggesting physical therapy to try slowing down the decadence progress. There was also section they talked about some drugs that were advancing on the tests and were showing promising results. Now things are a bit different I guess, more with the new medications (Not that I have access to then though, but let’s not go down that rabbit hole).
That college life.Anyways so let’s fast forward to my first semester of college where I met this girl on English class, we would meet like an hour before class and would talk about everything, we were great friends to be honest I didn’t fall for her then but then I saw her at a gala at the museum. And it was like a movie scene, the way the last sunlight beams stroke her hair and her dress. Didn’t even recognize her. All I could think was I wish I had the balls to go and talk to her.
Then the most amazing thing happened. She turned my way and came to say hello and we chatted for like 30 seconds because she had to leave, that was like the last week of the semester, me and my friends had absences we could use, so that week we went eating burgers or doing stupid shit instead to going to English so I didn’t see her. She dropped out of school, and I didn’t see her the next semester. But anyways I sort of searched on Facebook and sent my first friend request ever, even though I had like +100 “friends”.
But then this stupid she’s better without me mentality invaded me, I guess it was a combination of no feeling worthy or attractive, feeling like I could die any good die and just break this poor girl’s heart. So, like I then took the very serious decision of never looking for a relationship.
But life had other plans for me, as then I would meet my now ex-boyfriend, this time was French class and I couldn’t stand him, he tried to talk to me many times, not like hitting on me just having conversation, but we just didn’t connect that was like all the way back in 4th semester. But then the last weeks of seventh semester while my dad was really sick in the hospital we connected, and we started going out as friends and then we started falling for each other.
Then I gave him flowers and we started dating, some of my worst feelings got validated, as I would see him struggle with many things, it was a difficult relationship at times not only for my SMA but also because of thing he struggled with. Out of his privacy I won’t share many details, but he struggled with both physical (invisible) and mental health and so did I.
I don’t want to put him on a bad light because for the sake of brevity (In a +1000-word post) I’m not telling all the wonderful moments we shared. I could take a lot of points out of our relationship. From the inside and from how people reacted to several things. There are some fun stories there. I could also say how he validated me so many times and helped me become a better rounder person, capable of expressing myself, my feelings, and so much more.
I feel we grew as a couple, but we had issues, and ultimately, he wouldn’t communicate fully with me, so we broke up I guess, and fuck, I thought I knew what being sad and depressed was. But I guess you can always go deeper. Right at the end He did say some things that hurted me. Thinks that were like nails in my wounds. I could write them I’m not sure if the spoiler tag works here. And not sure if there’s a point of it.
does it work?
The aftermath and maybe the only part I needed to writeSo, we break up and I’m deep in my misery for a few months, well I kept going to work and went to therapy, but still was miserable, then I felt a bit better and was trying to go out more find some shit, reconnect with old friends and such, then the covid appeared and life sucked for a bit again.
But still trying to do better embracing my disability, I come out as bisexual with my friends, my mother and brother. My mom didn’t like it, told me not to tell dad. I haven’t still working on it. I feel like I need to clarify that my ex is trans and wasn’t out as such when we were dating, we weren’t on a secret relationship we were very public. And I would have no problems with a trans partner.
Then I start talking with museum girl, found out she had a boyfriend so have to settle for being her friend, then she breaks out with him I wait a few months and say fuck friendship ask her out for coffee, she agrees but tells me she has to sort some things. Those things were apparently going back with the boyfriend, so we stopped talking.
Now or then I feel like I shouldn’t be in a relationship and feel that dating me is sort of like dating a suicidal person. Not that I am one. But one day I could choke on my food or die or have a complication and die. Or I guess a meteorite could fall from the sky and die, and we all die but still I don’t like to think of myself as a widow maker.
Once my ex before we started dating told me to try tinder, but I guess I’m a bit insecure but what’s the worst thing that could happen? Get scammed or ridiculed idk. Then I feel the weakness progress and I feel like I should not go out with no one. But reading the posts from the devs perspective which is something I’ve had never seen before, sort of helps me.
For the time being I’d like to be independent and move. But for that I need to hire people, and I don’t think I can afford rent + food 3 assistants wages, so I’ll have to be patient and get a better job, and maybe someday I’ll meet someone or maybe not and that’s also okay. But then I don’t speak to no one and I don’t know how to interact with strangers specially IRL.
OMG that’s a lot of writing maybe should have slice it on to smaller parts, or work harder trimming thing out anyways if you read all of that thank you very much feel free to ask anything, critize or comment on whatsoever
TLDRWhen I was a kid I didn’t think much about it then I was like adamant on not dating, met my ex changed my mind (obviously haha) then we broke up and I sometimes struggle with the matter and think waaay to much about it but try to control it the best I can and who knows maybe some day I’ll meet someone or maybe not and that’s also okay. But I’m too socially awkward to search for someone.