robert_house
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Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by robert_house on Oct 18, 2021 18:13:58 GMT -5
I have felt what you are feeling before, but I can also tell you that people who will accept you for who you are (disability and all) do exist. Are you extra work? Maybe, but plenty of people will understand that. Your dating pool will be narrower, but you only need one person.
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Post by infinatedreams on Oct 19, 2021 3:53:31 GMT -5
easternwind If nobody has ever found you hot or sexually attractive how can you conclude therefore that if someone does it is because of a 'fetish'? unless you have dated a dev and non dev you cant conclude anything and even then its hardly scientific as individuals attractions are so varied. Maybe you give of bad vibes given that you feel societally, biologicaly and logically useless that you arent really a good catch? and its your 'attitude' that is most unatractive? Let the chick decide wether you are a 'burden' or not. A lot will but still enough out there that wont if you bring other attributes to the table. Not saying it is easy dating as a disabled dude, it aint. But you can 'compete' with and 'out-do' many AB guys. you say im unscientific then go on and talk about "vibes" lol whats unscientific is believing in something with no confirmation. I'll believe im not a burden when someone comes along and doesnt see me as one well i did preface my 'vibes' with a 'maybe' i was asking a question rather than making a scientific statement 🤷‍♂️ unlike you who made a definitive statement based on the fact youve never (yet) been found attractive or hot. Anyhow good luck, chicks love such a positive attitude to life.
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easternwind
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Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by easternwind on Oct 19, 2021 12:53:51 GMT -5
you say im unscientific then go on and talk about "vibes" lol whats unscientific is believing in something with no confirmation. I'll believe im not a burden when someone comes along and doesnt see me as one well i did preface my 'vibes' with a 'maybe' i was asking a question rather than making a scientific statement 🤷‍♂️ unlike you who made a definitive statement based on the fact youve never (yet) been found attractive or hot. Anyhow good luck, chicks love such a positive attitude to life. yeah bc having a positive attitude is all thats needed to get everything you want in life
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easternwind
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Gender: Male
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Post by easternwind on Oct 19, 2021 12:57:44 GMT -5
I have felt what you are feeling before, but I can also tell you that people who will accept you for who you are (disability and all) do exist. Are you extra work? Maybe, but plenty of people will understand that. Your dating pool will be narrower, but you only need one person. if someone like that does exist any tips on how to find her? cuz i have no idea
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Post by koala on Oct 19, 2021 14:53:22 GMT -5
well i did preface my 'vibes' with a 'maybe' i was asking a question rather than making a scientific statement 🤷‍♂️ unlike you who made a definitive statement based on the fact youve never (yet) been found attractive or hot. Anyhow good luck, chicks love such a positive attitude to life. yeah bc having a positive attitude is all thats needed to get everything you want in life It may not be ALL that's needed, but it certainly goes a long way. Bitterness and a lack of self confidence are NEVER attractive qualities, and most people can pick up on a negative attitude rather quickly. It's a huge turn off for anyone (dev or not)...much more so than any perceived "burden" ever would be.
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gimp3590
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Posts: 176
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by gimp3590 on Oct 19, 2021 19:14:32 GMT -5
i definitely agree that confidence goes a long way but I understand that it is hard to be confident if you have never had a positive experience or have never been told your self- worth
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Post by zacc on Oct 20, 2021 10:31:34 GMT -5
easternwind I've felt exactly how you've felt before. And my best advice is to find someone to talk to about it outside of this forum. I found a therapist was really able to help me deal with feeling like a burden. It's a really tough thought to break and I still struggle with feeling burdensome. But the only way to find friends and romantic relationships is to be confident in yourself, or at least fake it till you make it!
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Post by IcarusFellOnce on Oct 20, 2021 11:45:30 GMT -5
I have felt what you are feeling before, but I can also tell you that people who will accept you for who you are (disability and all) do exist. Are you extra work? Maybe, but plenty of people will understand that. Your dating pool will be narrower, but you only need one person. if someone like that does exist any tips on how to find her? cuz i have no idea People have given you MANY ideas on how to find "her". You're just not listening... and maybe you're not in a place to listen. Maybe it's not our place to make you hear it.. maybe it has to come from within you first.. maybe a family member.. maybe a friend. I do not know nor will I pretend to know your path. I will try and be empathetic and patient with your journey (NOT THAT YOU NEED ME TO). BUT also at the same time.. there is a tough love part of me that is like.. if you don't even see your own self worth.. or value.. if you see all of us that live with a disability as a burden just because things happen to be particularly difficult for you... then fucking tough. I've got my career.. my circle of friends... my wife.. and working on starting a future family. You're on your own.... Maybe that's what you need to hear.. Who knows. More empathetic part of me wants to say you are not alone.. and there is much you can start to do to make it better. AND shit on a positive attitude all you want. That being said, a positive attitude alone will change nothing. That positive attitude needs to be put to work into inducing real concrete action to better your life for yourself... a happier better you WILL ATTRACT a mate that you want and that you deserve... Or don't. It's a tough place to be in. Hoping the best for you.
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easternwind
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Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by easternwind on Oct 20, 2021 16:26:28 GMT -5
if someone like that does exist any tips on how to find her? cuz i have no idea People have given you MANY ideas on how to find "her". You're just not listening... and maybe you're not in a place to listen. Maybe it's not our place to make you hear it.. maybe it has to come from within you first.. maybe a family member.. maybe a friend. I do not know nor will I pretend to know your path. I will try and be empathetic and patient with your journey (NOT THAT YOU NEED ME TO). BUT also at the same time.. there is a tough love part of me that is like.. if you don't even see your own self worth.. or value.. if you see all of us that live with a disability as a burden just because things happen to be particularly difficult for you... then fucking tough. I've got my career.. my circle of friends... my wife.. and working on starting a future family. You're on your own.... Maybe that's what you need to hear.. Who knows. More empathetic part of me wants to say you are not alone.. and there is much you can start to do to make it better. AND shit on a positive attitude all you want. That being said, a positive attitude alone will change nothing. That positive attitude needs to be put to work into inducing real concrete action to better your life for yourself... a happier better you WILL ATTRACT a mate that you want and that you deserve... Or don't. It's a tough place to be in. Hoping the best for you. The only tip i saw was someone telling me to be positive, that is not concrete advice. I do not think of every disabled people as equal burdens, some are heavier burdens then others. I have no family, i have 2 guys friends, that is my whole socia circle I need factual advice, actual things i can do, not vague statements like "be positive and love yourself"
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easternwind
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Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by easternwind on Oct 20, 2021 16:29:22 GMT -5
i definitely agree that confidence goes a long way but I understand that it is hard to be confident if you have never had a positive experience or have never been told your self- worth Thank you! You understand. How can i be confident if i have nothing to base my confidence on?
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Oct 20, 2021 18:36:47 GMT -5
I think you need to be a little more open-minded because man, your attitude really sucks! Maybe PD isn't the place for you as yet, but you need to find a way to instill some confidence bud.
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Post by koala on Oct 20, 2021 21:07:54 GMT -5
i definitely agree that confidence goes a long way but I understand that it is hard to be confident if you have never had a positive experience or have never been told your self- worth Thank you! You understand. How can i be confident if i have nothing to base my confidence on? I know I've contributed my fair share (ok, maybe a little more than my fair share lol) to this thread, but I just can't help myself as this is a topic I feel VERY strongly about. I want to address this statement, specifically, because there's a lot here even though it appears simple on the surface. First, I will say...I GET IT! I really do. It may not seem like it from some of my posts, but that is only because I've put some extremely hard work into digging myself out of that deep, dark hole. I have been there more times than I care to admit, and I was quite comfortable there for most of my childhood and young adult years. I hated myself...I wasn't pretty enough, fun enough, outgoing enough, smart enough, talented enough (the list went on and on). I had no self confidence and saw no value in the person staring back at me in the mirror...I loathed her and everything about her. I always thought if only I had a relationship, a better job, more friends, a nice house, more money, better grades, etc. THEN I would be worth something...THEN I would be confident and happy and valuable as a person. It took me a long time to realize that relying on external factors to change the way I felt about MYSELF was never going to create any kind of real, lasting contentment. External factors are fleeting and ever-changing. They will let you down every single time. The only way to truly start liking yourself and find that confidence and worth that you so desperately need is to do the work and create it yourself. If you're able to do it all on your own by doing some deep introspection - GREAT!!! If you need to talk to a therapist - GREAT!!! If you need to take medication to treat an underlying chemical imbalance - GREAT!!! It absolutely doesn't matter HOW you do it. It only matters THAT you do it. EVERY...SINGLE...PERSON has intrinsic value just by virtue that you are a unique and complicated individual. If you can learn to identify what it is that makes you unique and individual, you will be able to leverage that and build on that to begin creating the version of yourself that you want to be. It's super hard work, and you have to be fully committed to it and willing to be 100% honest with yourself (which totally SUCKS), but the end result will be so worth it.
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easternwind
New Member
Posts: 24
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by easternwind on Oct 20, 2021 23:19:25 GMT -5
Thank you! You understand. How can i be confident if i have nothing to base my confidence on? I know I've contributed my fair share (ok, maybe a little more than my fair share lol) to this thread, but I just can't help myself as this is a topic I feel VERY strongly about. I want to address this statement, specifically, because there's a lot here even though it appears simple on the surface. First, I will say...I GET IT! I really do. It may not seem like it from some of my posts, but that is only because I've put some extremely hard work into digging myself out of that deep, dark hole. I have been there more times than I care to admit, and I was quite comfortable there for most of my childhood and young adult years. I hated myself...I wasn't pretty enough, fun enough, outgoing enough, smart enough, talented enough (the list went on and on). I had no self confidence and saw no value in the person staring back at me in the mirror...I loathed her and everything about her. I always thought if only I had a relationship, a better job, more friends, a nice house, more money, better grades, etc. THEN I would be worth something...THEN I would be confident and happy and valuable as a person. It took me a long time to realize that relying on external factors to change the way I felt about MYSELF was never going to create any kind of real, lasting contentment. External factors are fleeting and ever-changing. They will let you down every single time. The only way to truly start liking yourself and find that confidence and worth that you so desperately need is to do the work and create it yourself. If you're able to do it all on your own by doing some deep introspection - GREAT!!! If you need to talk to a therapist - GREAT!!! If you need to take medication to treat an underlying chemical imbalance - GREAT!!! It absolutely doesn't matter HOW you do it. It only matters THAT you do it. EVERY...SINGLE...PERSON has intrinsic value just by virtue that you are a unique and complicated individual. If you can learn to identify what it is that makes you unique and individual, you will be able to leverage that and build on that to begin creating the version of yourself that you want to be. It's super hard work, and you have to be fully committed to it and willing to be 100% honest with yourself (which totally SUCKS), but the end result will be so worth it. Ive already tried therapy and i dont have money to get more I have infinite free time so introspection is pretty much all i do and im going crazy from it I am anti-mediaction with how heavily over diagnosed mental disabilities are, so im against it unless its 1000% safe and necessary Everybody says to base confidence inwards, but how? By internalizing the belief that you matter and have value even though you have no proof? I'm sorry i cant do that. I believe things i have proof of
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Post by someonerandom on Oct 21, 2021 0:59:44 GMT -5
I know I've contributed my fair share (ok, maybe a little more than my fair share lol) to this thread, but I just can't help myself as this is a topic I feel VERY strongly about. I want to address this statement, specifically, because there's a lot here even though it appears simple on the surface. First, I will say...I GET IT! I really do. It may not seem like it from some of my posts, but that is only because I've put some extremely hard work into digging myself out of that deep, dark hole. I have been there more times than I care to admit, and I was quite comfortable there for most of my childhood and young adult years. I hated myself...I wasn't pretty enough, fun enough, outgoing enough, smart enough, talented enough (the list went on and on). I had no self confidence and saw no value in the person staring back at me in the mirror...I loathed her and everything about her. I always thought if only I had a relationship, a better job, more friends, a nice house, more money, better grades, etc. THEN I would be worth something...THEN I would be confident and happy and valuable as a person. It took me a long time to realize that relying on external factors to change the way I felt about MYSELF was never going to create any kind of real, lasting contentment. External factors are fleeting and ever-changing. They will let you down every single time. The only way to truly start liking yourself and find that confidence and worth that you so desperately need is to do the work and create it yourself. If you're able to do it all on your own by doing some deep introspection - GREAT!!! If you need to talk to a therapist - GREAT!!! If you need to take medication to treat an underlying chemical imbalance - GREAT!!! It absolutely doesn't matter HOW you do it. It only matters THAT you do it. EVERY...SINGLE...PERSON has intrinsic value just by virtue that you are a unique and complicated individual. If you can learn to identify what it is that makes you unique and individual, you will be able to leverage that and build on that to begin creating the version of yourself that you want to be. It's super hard work, and you have to be fully committed to it and willing to be 100% honest with yourself (which totally SUCKS), but the end result will be so worth it. Ive already tried therapy and i dont have money to get more I have infinite free time so introspection is pretty much all i do and im going crazy from it I am anti-mediaction with how heavily over diagnosed mental disabilities are, so im against it unless its 1000% safe and necessary Everybody says to base confidence inwards, but how? By internalizing the belief that you matter and have value even though you have no proof? I'm sorry i cant do that. I believe things i have proof of In my experience confidence doesn’t just come out of nowhere. Confidence comes from having previous success, and previous success comes after having previous failures and learning from them. Introspection isn’t going to get you anything, you have to do some things and go after things.
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Post by devogirl on Oct 21, 2021 7:42:31 GMT -5
Yes, exactly what koala and someonerandom said. Confidence and self-esteem are not things that someone else gives to you. Also it's a sad but true fact that no one can attract love by acting in desperate need of it. The only way to work on yourself is to cultivate friendships and interests. Reach out to others even if it's only online with the intention of forming friendships, not of getting laid or finding a romantic partner. Get involved in activities that interest you, again even if it's only online. Developing friendships based on shared interests is how you see what you can offer others and gain confidence in social interactions.
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