Devs only: What are your dev struggles lately?

[ayla]

Oct 13, 2023 11:54:11 GMT -5 @freecatarina said:

After experiencing a lot of dev highs, it becomes easier not to let yourself be consumed like before. I came to terms with the fact that I may never satisfy this urge inside me and that's fine. I also wanted to be rich but probably it's never going to happen. Writing is one of my hobbies and my favorite way to express my feelings. So this time, like I was using an alter ego, I started writing dev stories/tales that I'll keep to myself as a way to relieve my anxiety and also feel some pleasure.

I've often recommended that one of the best ways for dealing with a dev high is to find a creative/productive outlet for the feelings. Endlessly consuming media only seems to fuel the fire and enhance that feeling of never getting satisfaction. But translating the feelings into generating something, even something that's only for you, results in a finished product of some kind and that helps bring things to a conclusion.

[kat]

Oct 13, 2023 15:46:03 GMT -5 ayla said:

I've often recommended that one of the best ways for dealing with a dev high is to find a creative/productive outlet for the feelings. Endlessly consuming media only seems to fuel the fire and enhance that feeling of never getting satisfaction. But translating the feelings into generating something, even something that's only for you, results in a finished product of some kind and that helps bring things to a conclusion.

Finished product, OR a hard drive full of half-finished stories that were ruthlessly abandoned once the dev high waned Still, I second this - channeling that energy into creative pursuits can be fun.

[relladev]

Oct 14, 2023 5:26:17 GMT -5 kat said:

hahaha same here.
And my stories are mostly fantasies of AB tv drama/novel characters. I just conveniently arrange them to be PWDs.

[iliakis00]

ufff, Im really really just getting more and more dev through the time and its hard to cope with it..simple as that

[tanya]

Jan 22, 2024 12:34:56 GMT -5 lemons said:

Hi all. It was a cold weekend here so I spent most of my time online
and seeking PWDs nearby. Long story short, I actually connected with a handsome guy with MD. I was honest about being attracted primarily b/c of his disability, although I am certainly liking his face and personality as well.

He seems fine with it. I, of course, am ready to get together for dinner and hopefully more. He lives at home though, requires his van, and no longer drives. Suddenly I am worried about what his parents might think about dropping him off and leaving him with a strange woman. He's 45, btw, and it sounds like it's been a while since he's been on a date.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

First of all congratulations!

This guy sounds cute.

It's normal to be nervous about various aspects of starting a new relationship and this one obviously has a few other complications. I'd maybe get to know his parents, if he's 45 then I'm assuming they're around 70+?

I think they'll appreciate if you take the time to get to know them properly and introduce yourself. If they respect their son's choices as an adult then hopefully they'll be happy for him that he's found someone.

Most of all - try to enjoy it! This is a good thing and just take things slowly and see how if goes.

[dutchdev]

Have you asked/told him about your thoughts? He is used to his life style and knows his relationship with his parents and their attitude towards him. My guess is he realizes being 45 and living with your parents, depending on them for transportation is outside of the norm, and has ideas how to best navigate this.

You (and we) can make assumptions, but his parents can be everything from old hippies supporting and trusting him in everything he tries, to overbearing controlling parents that try to arrange his live.

I have no experience, but I think being upfront about what you worry about is the best way to go and probably increases intimacy and the feeling of being in it together.

[stedi]

I've been a dev since puberty, am 30 now, and I feel like I can't keep the dev thoughts and fantasies away as well as I've used to. And honestly, embracing that this is who I am feels like the right thing to do at this point in my life. But, I don't know where to begin (other than here) or how to learn more about all of this while managing the current relationship I'm in.

My boyfriend and I met on Feabie and our sex life is centered greatly on his love for my size as a 350lb woman. That's his kink, and he's had it since puberty as well. Recently I was able to let him in on my DDLG kink, which I've also had since puberty, and we've made some strides there although I don't think we'll ever get to a place that resembles the ideal DDLG dynamic I want. He has a 5 year old daughter from another relationship and sometimes the adult roleplay we do is a little too close to home for him. Regardless, I've been shying away from sex lately because neither sphere of kink is doing it for me. I'm watching dev videos much more than usual and even strategizing on watching them before my boyfriend comes over so that I can have the images freshly in my head when we're having sex. As such, my eyes end up closed for the majority of it and my boyfriend has started to notice that I go into my own world at times. It doesn't feel right to keep this from my boyfriend since we're so open about everything else, but I'm afraid that there's not really any way he could satisfy this part of me. I'm also just afraid of being judged. This is the one thing in my life that I have never told anybody. Not even therapists. 

So, has anyone else been in a similar situation before? 

[ichbin]

Jan 25, 2024 8:35:12 GMT -5 stedi said:

I've been a dev since puberty, am 30 now, and I feel like I can't keep the dev thoughts and fantasies away as well as I've used to. And honestly, embracing that this is who I am feels like the right thing to do at this point in my life. But, I don't know where to begin (other than here) or how to learn more about all of this while managing the current relationship I'm in.

My boyfriend and I met on Feabie and our sex life is centered greatly on his love for my size as a 350lb woman. That's his kink, and he's had it since puberty as well. Recently I was able to let him in on my DDLG kink, which I've also had since puberty, and we've made some strides there although I don't think we'll ever get to a place that resembles the ideal DDLG dynamic I want. He has a 5 year old daughter from another relationship and sometimes the adult roleplay we do is a little too close to home for him. Regardless, I've been shying away from sex lately because neither sphere of kink is doing it for me. I'm watching dev videos much more than usual and even strategizing on watching them before my boyfriend comes over so that I can have the images freshly in my head when we're having sex. As such, my eyes end up closed for the majority of it and my boyfriend has started to notice that I go into my own world at times. It doesn't feel right to keep this from my boyfriend since we're so open about everything else, but I'm afraid that there's not really any way he could satisfy this part of me. I'm also just afraid of being judged. This is the one thing in my life that I have never told anybody. Not even therapists. 

So, has anyone else been in a similar situation before? 

Hi 
stedi

Oh, yes, there are many, many devs who have been in similar situations, including me! Especially the "close eye and go into pwd fantasies while having sex" is very common I think. I could never orgasm without the picture of a scene in my head that includes a PWD. 

I think it's great that you fulfill the kink of your bf - and I so understand your concerns that there is not really any way he could satisfy your devness.

Being afraid of telling someone / your bf about your devness because of fear of being judged is also very common among us devs here. 

I could not tell anybody until I was 32 years old and it was a HUUUUGE challenge to overcome my fear to finally tell my best girlfriend. And from then on it became easier with every person I told.... I am much more free from that fear now than I was 10 years ago. So.... yeah, things have slowly changed. 

Feel hugged and understood! It's great you found this place here and opened up. 

[stedi]

ichbin, thank you so much for your reply. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel grateful to have found this space and to know that there are other people out there who relate!

If you’re comfortable (apologies if there’s a thread on which you may have already discussed this), how did you go about telling your friend at 32? And about telling others after that? I don’t know if I have anyone close enough to me on a friend level that I’d feel comfortable telling.. but part of me really wants to tell my boyfriend since I really think he could be the one.

[dutchdev]

Jan 31, 2024 23:30:07 GMT -5 stedi said:

ichbin, thank you so much for your reply. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel grateful to have found this space and to know that there are other people out there who relate!

If you’re comfortable (apologies if there’s a thread on which you may have already discussed this), how did you go about telling your friend at 32? And about telling others after that? I don’t know if I have anyone close enough to me on a friend level that I’d feel comfortable telling.. but part of me really wants to tell my boyfriend since I really think he could be the one.

I also am very familiar with the closing your eyes and going into fantasyland orgasm 🫣, it took me well into my 20’s to even know how I could accomplish that.

While no longer in a relationship, I am also currently on the threshold of telling some people around me. Scary as all hell, but thankful to know there is a community here to support us through it.

[Dani]

stedi
I can also attest to the same things you're describing, though, my enjoyment of sex did not depend on my devness.

But the thoughts you have and the worries sound familiar. I feel that most devs have been through exactly the same things. It almost feels like we go through these phases of first figuring it out, then the shame, fear, and guilt, then the "how to tell my partner" and "how to incorporate this part in my relationship", the "how to satisfy the urges" and then coming to an acceptance and contentment of just being who we are and hopefully reaching a type of peace in our lives as devs.

As far as telling your bf, I guess it depends on how stable your relationship is and what type of guy he is. Telling him could be freeing and if he is willing to let you indulge in your dev feelings, then it's just a matter of how you'll do that together with him.
But there are men who would have a difficult time hearing that their partner is into certain things they may not be able to fulfill. It can cause insecurity or uncertainty about the relationship. It's so individual for everyone.

I made it my goal to tell my husband; I couldn't have lived without telling him. For us, it worked out in our favor, but we were already in a very established and secure relationship/marriage at the time of my confession (at that time, married for twenty years). I didn't know about my devness before, so it had not been an issue until then when I discovered it. I had enjoyable and good sex with my husband before, so for me discovering I was a dev changed a lot of things. It was very difficult and painful at times, but over the years I've come to a contentment and am at peace.

As far as telling friends...I tried that with my three best friends. They never really understood it, so I didn't bother to get more into it, and we never really discussed it much after my initial opening up. I don't feel the need to tell everyone around me as far as family and friends. It's very personal to me, and though I'm out as a dev in public with my writing, in my private life, I don't make it a big deal, but I also don't try to stay secret and anonymous. I have a big ol' sticker on my car with my author name and stuff. As a writer, I'm out as a dev because I want to be a visible, normal person for other women as I am. I've also come to a point in my life where I don't care anymore if anyone finds out or not.

This was a journey that took place over about ten years or longer. I also am basically in an open marriage and allowed to explore the dev part of my life. This is not something that happens constantly or easily because there are just not that many options for me to meet PWD. I've had some rewarding and enjoyable interactions online and in real but I'm not constantly seeking out anyone.

You've come to the right place to be on your dev journey and hopefully you'll realize you are not alone with your thoughts and worries. Welcome to PD!

[figuringitout]

I’m curious to hear from blindness devotees, especially people in their 20s. I’m currently in an open relationship, so meeting someone else and going on dates with other people is totally okay. I would love to connect with a blind guy, but whenever I see events centered around blindness that I think maybe I could go to, they always seem like they will be dominated by much older people that I’m not interested in at all. I also don’t even know how I would navigate taking up space in those spaces— I would have a semi-good explanation for being there because I am interested in disability justice due to a chronic health condition I have (totally unrelated to my blind devness), and have done accessibility work/ training because of that that i want to continue— but that wouldn’t be the whole reason. I’m curious how people navigate this? I don’t want to be deceitful in any way but I also don’t want to go announcing my personal life to people I don’t know.
So- I guess my 2 struggles that I want to ask people about are 1) advice for meeting blind men in their 20s when blind spaces are normally dominated by much older people and/or 2) how to exist in those spaces without being deceitful but also not immediately disclosing a very personal sexual preference to strangers?

[dannyboy95]

Feb 13, 2024 9:08:41 GMT -5 figuringitout said:

I’m curious to hear from blindness devotees, especially people in their 20s. I’m currently in an open relationship, so meeting someone else and going on dates with other people is totally okay. I would love to connect with a blind guy, but whenever I see events centered around blindness that I think maybe I could go to, they always seem like they will be dominated by much older people that I’m not interested in at all. I also don’t even know how I would navigate taking up space in those spaces— I would have a semi-good explanation for being there because I am interested in disability justice due to a chronic health condition I have (totally unrelated to my blind devness), and have done accessibility work/ training because of that that i want to continue— but that wouldn’t be the whole reason. I’m curious how people navigate this? I don’t want to be deceitful in any way but I also don’t want to go announcing my personal life to people I don’t know.
So- I guess my 2 struggles that I want to ask people about are 1) advice for meeting blind men in their 20s when blind spaces are normally dominated by much older people and/or 2) how to exist in those spaces without being deceitful but also not immediately disclosing a very personal sexual preference to strangers?

I am not a blindness devotee in the sense that it gives me any sexual excitement, in that sense I am an SCI-devotee, but I was actually contacted last year by a blind (bi, mostly leaning towards men) guy on a different platform. I was first hesitant to even write him back, but now he is already one my and my boyfriend's best friends. This whole blindness thing is really interesting for me too and I learn something from him every time we spend time with each other. However, as I said I don't find sexual excitement from his disability. I just really like him anyway.



He studied at a university with a special program for visually impaired students and he regularly goes to a special skiing event for visually impaired people. He is mostly looking for guys and already 30, so I guess I can't play cupid for you two, but maybe you could find places, that offer these kinds of programs for blind people i. e. university programs where you'll find people in their early 20s and just try to date there normally. And of course, you should disclose at an appropriate time, that you have a thing for blind guys. The difference between just looking in the right place and being a predator can be a fine line. But you seem decent and aware of this issue, so I guess you'll be fine! :-)

[Dani]

I know we have some blind PWD here, maybe they can be of assistance if you put your question in the general section.

[em]

I don't know if this is a struggle, but I noticed a strange pattern - whenever I'm close to finishing a big project, my mind drifts into fantasy land and I start making up some devvy stories, and all the background info (and do the related one-person fun, although it wasn't all about that), and I obsess over it for a few days, imaging all kinds of dialogues, scenes, medical conditions, family structures, you name it!
I'd been in that world since at least Wednesday and I was forcing myself to focus on work because I have important things to do but I was really struggling. And then this morning I woke up and it was kind of gone, like I ran out of the things I felt the need to process (i.e., stories I was telling myself).
I don't know if my brain just considers a finishing-a-project high and a dev high similar and it got confused? Because I don't think it's the first time this happened. Maybe it's something to do with my cycle too, I need to investigate that as well. Now I'm kind of glad that I can focus on the real world but I also miss the excitement of being in the story in my head...